


In Aeternum et Semper

by emo_kyloren



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren redemption arc, Kylo and OC are married, Millicent the cat is mentioned, Not for the faint of heart, POV Female Character, Sith, Sith Lord redeption arc, So yeah..., Theres a dragon, but then she runs away, eventual pregnancy, eventually Rey and Ben will be friends, i have no experience with sex scenes so dont expect too much smut, major character has intentional memory loss, no seriously i'm an asexual author, so theres only one scene..., total fandom garbage written by a total fandom dumpster, trigger warning for alcohol and suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-05-17 04:08:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 28
Words: 43,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5853547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emo_kyloren/pseuds/emo_kyloren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darth Astra is a Sith Lord. She's married in secret to the one and only Kylo Ren. Their marriage is a happy one, and its the only thing keeping Astra tethered to the Dark Side.<br/>She's determined to run away- even knows where she's going and how to get there.<br/>The girl's got plans. But nothing ever goes her way.<br/>So when Kylo is suddenly gravely injured, she has to make a decision.<br/>Be there when her husband wakes up, and face sure damnation in the eyes of the Resistance's justice system.<br/>Or,<br/>Run away. Erase her own memory, and face the uncertainty of a new life on D'Qar, far away from any contact except her adolescent dragon, Aragon.<br/>Its kill or be killed, and she's not planning on being the prey.<br/>Not to the First Order,<br/>Not to the Resistance,<br/>And sure as hell not to Snoke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

‘I know that you are probably very confused right now. That’s okay. I’ve done a complete system wipe of your memory. And before you freak out, just know that I am you. Before you, me, whatever- before we jumped off of that cliff.’ I paused, considering my next words carefully. This is what I would read, soon after jumping. So what would I say to myself? ‘I’ve kept- (I’m just going to say your) basic survival skills. You will retain the ability to fight, hack into computers and ships, use the Force, shield yourself from other Force users, and keep yourself alive. You know twenty three languages. Among those are all of the languages spoken in both the outer rim and mid rim, as well as most of those in the core worlds. You can pilot any space craft with ease, and you can fight with all current weapons, no matter how complex.’ I released my lower lip from its place between my teeth, swiped my tongue over the bead of blood from my canines, and frowned down at the data pad. ‘The planet you are on is D’Qar. It is a Resistance-owned planet in the Outer Rim in the Illenium system. You will have no affiliations with any group, I have made sure of that. Try as hard as you can to avoid human contact for a few years.’ My door slid open with the quiet, whooshing sound of decompression. I let my gaze flick up to my guest, my fingers automatically keying in the lock code on the data pad.   
“How did the meeting go?” Kylo’s shoulders were tight beneath his robes. I watched him move almost unsteadily toward the cube-shaped cutout in the wall. He tugged his helmet off of his head and slipped it into the cubby. A small, invisible screen slid across the opening, sealing his helmet in for decontamination and any repairs. He ran his fingers through his perfectly tousled black hair, dark eyes finding me. I pushed myself off of the edge of the bed and came up to him. His eyes flickered to the data pad I’d left behind before they refocused on me.  
“Why won’t you tell me what you are working on?” He questioned. It was a poor attempt at changing the subject, and I noticed his aura darkened a few shades when he asked. I tilted my head and placed my palm against his chest, over his heart, drawing closer to his body when his larger, gloved hand covered mine.   
“It’s a personal mission.” I murmured. He looped his other arm around my waist, applying gentle pressure to bring me closer to him. I obliged and rested my cheek against the rough fabric covering his chest. “I assume the meeting went south.” His chest rose and fell with a deep breath before he sighed and answered.  
“Snoke found out that I’m looking for Skywalker. He’s angry because he thinks I’m not focused on the mission.”   
Silence reigned for a minute or so. I held onto Kylo, reassuring and calming him with my presence until his aura evened out to a light grey. His fingers looped through mine and he pulled me over to the bed. I sat down, waiting for him to take off the outer layers of his clothing. This was our nightly routine. He would come in, angry or annoyed at something, and I would soothe him. It was always the same.   
I watched his muscles flex as he removed his over-shirt, thinking about how our relationship wasn’t without balance. On the rare occasion that meditating didn’t help me with a problem, he was there. He never judged me for breaking down once in a while- probably because he would sometimes, too.   
Once he’d stripped down to just a pair of sweatpants and an undershirt, he hunched over on the side of the bed. I came up behind him, wrapping my arms around his middle and resting my chin on his shoulder. After a minute, he let his head lean against mine, his chin resting on intertwined fingers. This was new. Normally, he would lean back against me, his head in my lap, eyes closed as I ran my fingers through his hair.   
His body heat warmed me. It existed inbetween our bodies, moving between my chest and his back. He was always so warm. As I closed my eyes, I remembered the three, long nights we’d spent on Hoth after our ship crashed on the way to Starkiller base. The pilot had been killed on impact, but our combined use of the Force had saved us. We had shared a single winter jacket (it was the only one on the ship). It had taken us three hours, huddled under the poofy black thing to finally find a cave. Kylo was angry, as per usual. I’d had to stop him from cutting the cave to pieces, and he’d eventually calmed. We spent the next couple of days, bodies intertwined for warmth. The experience had taken us from just friends to something more. Now, we were happily married.   
Well, almost happily.   
Snoke and the rest of the crew all thought that we were just lovers. That was something the Sith would allow. Passion, not love.   
Kylo’s steadily darkening mood brought me out of my memories. He pushed himself up with a growl, headed for the bathroom. I stared after him, knowing that whatever had put him in this mood wasn’t an easy fix. My stomach clenched. This was something that ran deeper than his argument with Snoke.  
I heard the shower door click shut and the water turn on. My fingers twitched toward the datapad. I brought it with me to the head of the bed, where it sat on my pillow while I shed a few layers. My clothing was at a bare minimum (one of Kylo’s black training shirts and my underwear) when I slid under the covers, cradling the datapad like it was a baby.  
‘Your previous life does not matter. It has been wiped from your mind. There is a reason for that, and my judgement should not be questioned. Trust me. It’s not in your benefit to remember what has happened to you. All that matters now is that you gain balance in your life before you help the rest of the galaxy.’ I popped my knuckles and continued. ‘Your name is Caru. You were born on Dantooine, to a Jedi woman who was fleeing from the First Order. Your mother was captured by Supreme Leader Snoke and killed. She refused to reveal your location. At the age of five, Luke Skywalker found you and trained you to be a Jedi. This is all you need to know.’ The shower cut off. I locked the datapad and slipped it into my bedside drawer that already held my lightsaber. A few minutes later, Kylo slid inbetween the sheets next to me. His arms snaked around my waist. I turned so that I was facing him and buried my face in his bare chest. His hands slipped under my shirt, caressing my back. I could feel his heart beating steadily beneath my palm. Cold droplets of water ran tracks down my neck from his hair. He moved his head, his face nuzzled into the crook of my neck.   
“I love you, Astra.” Kylo murmured, his breath fanning against my chest.   
A tear slipped down my cheek, its path merging with a bead of water from his hair. He’d never know the difference, I thought.   
“I love you too, Kylo Ren.”  
I closed my eyes, savoring the feeling of his body intertwined with mine. There was no way to guess how long I would have to prepare for the betrayal, but I knew that my days were numbered.   
My days are numbered…


	2. Meetings and secret missions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Astra is inspired to do a drawing of Kylo. He mentions that he likes it, but reveals an insecurity of his own while praising her. She has to leave the room, and locks the datapad automatically. The drawing saves. (future complications will arise.) She's subject to a meeting before the battle at the beginning of TFA. This will start the rising action.

When I woke up, Kylo was still fast asleep. I glanced over at the blinking alarm clock on his side of the bed.

5:45 am. With a quiet groan of protest, I stretched my legs out and pushed myself off of Kylo’s chest. He was still fast asleep as I disentangled our legs, gently extricated my body from his embrace, and slipped out from under the covers. The warm air of our shared quarters blew against my bare legs and arms as I yawned and turned back to see the sleeping face of my husband. His expression in sleep was probably the most relaxed I ever got to see him. The worry lines between his eyebrows were smoothed out, his lips were slightly open after having been released from their tight-pressed line. He looked younger when he slept. Less like the Sith Lord he was.

I reached out with one hand, my palm cradling his jawline, thumb brushing over the light stubble on his cheek. His eyelids fluttered, but remained closed. I kissed the tip of his nose, then rested my forehead against his. The bed was calling out to me. But then, so was he. A light groan passed his lips and he turned toward the heat of my body, his movements sluggish and laden with sleep, but the intent was clear.

_Come back, Astra_ , his actions screamed. _Come back to bed._ _Forget the world._

It was so tempting. I pulled away with a sound of disgust in my throat at having to act like an adult all day, but such was the life of a Sith.

Another datapad sat on the counter beside me, screen blinking with my mandatory agenda for the day while I brushed my teeth. I grinned in the mirror. My reflection had a bubbly, white-foamed smile. My reflection looked happy.

My reflection wasn’t a true reflection.

Mirrors couldn’t show the pain inside.

I spit out the toothpaste in the sink, washing it away quickly. With the datapad in hand, I headed back into the main room, headed for the bedroom. My robes had been cleaned and folded by the servants and now sat in a neat, folded pile beside Kylo’s. I slipped into my chest binder and clipped the latched on the sides that pressurized it. Next was my compression tank top, then my long-sleeved shirt. I slipped into the slightly baggy pants, fastened the waist, pulled on my black robe, cinched the belt, and threw on my cloak. It wasn’t until I was sitting on the edge of the bed, tying my black boots that Kylo decided to join the land of the living.

“Morning, sleepyhead.” I grinned at him over my shoulder, laughing when he threw an arm over his eyes and groaned.

“It’s too early for this shit.” He complained.

I raised an eyebrow at him. “I let you sleep in.” I commented. “Twenty minutes, to be exact.”

Another groan. I clipped my lightsaber to the thigh-strap on my right leg. The muzzle of my blaster pistol pressed against my back. I turned to face Kylo, leaving my hood down, my scarf around my neck. He sat up, groaning as his back popped. I snorted at him. His lips twitched upwards and he reached out a hand to fix the inside-out scarf. His fingers lingered by my cheek. Dark eyes met mine, and I found myself leaning in. His hand cupped my cheek. One of my hands moved of its own accord to his chest.

I closed my eyes when his breath fanned across my lips- ( _Damn you_ for not having morning breath, Kylo Ren). A second later, our lips met. I could feel his sleepy control slipping away as the fingers of his other hand wove into the hair at the nape of my neck.

“Five more minutes?” He murmured against my lips. I nodded, eyes half-lidded, and let him slip two warm arms around my waist. My head hit the pillow, and after a second of scooting back against his chest, I was out like a light.

Five minutes became fifteen. The alarm blared. Kylo cursed and bolted upright in bed. Before my sleepy brain caught up with his actions, he’d already Force-shoved the alarm clock into the far wall. It shattered and fell to the floor. Now that woke me up. I jerked upright, groaning when I saw the source of the noise.

“That’s the third one this week!” Kylo sent me a sheepish smile.

“Sorry?” I rolled my eyes and shoved at his shoulder.

“Just go get dressed.” He grinned, knowing that he was already forgiven, and darted in to kiss my cheek. I groaned again when he darted out of the way of my hand. The boy knew me too well. I snatched my private datapad off of my bedside table and crossed my legs on the bed, leaning over the screen.

_‘Previous you- (me, right now,) was (are) married to a man named Ben Solo. He’s the only thing I regret leaving. Maybe one day you’ll see him again. That day, well, I can’t promise it will exist._ ’ I looked up to see Kylo heading back over to me. I swiped left on the screen, opening a sketch pad. Kylo’s face fixed itself in the forefront of my mind as he stood beside the bed, getting dressed in his robes. I let my subconscious direct my finger as I sketched, shaded, and erased until I was staring at a three-quarters view of my husband.

“That’s really good.” Kylo’s voice coming from over my shoulder made me jump out of my skin.

“Shit-!” I smacked him in the chest in mock anger. He chuckled at my expense and hopped off of the bed, moving toward his helmet.

“Not the subject matter, I mean,” He said over his shoulder. His helmet clicked into place, and suddenly it was the distorted voice that continued the sentence. “Your abilities. They are incredible.” And before I could yell at him for dissing his looks, he was out of the door. I sighed and locked the tablet, unaware that the drawing had saved to the hard drive.

 

“Hux, Kylo hasn’t destroyed anything in over a month now. Do you really think we still need a- what did you call it? A tantrum room?” The officer to my right snorted, covering her mistake with a cough and a guilty look directed to me. I rolled my eyes and cracked my neck, steely gaze falling back on Hux. The general flinched.

“As you are the only one keeping him in check, it is my concern that the two of you will be separated, and we will lose even more- equipment _and_ men, to his wrath.” Hux drawled, refusing to meet my eyes.

“Don’t you have anything better to do than talk about me, general?” Kylo was leaning against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest, obviously not amused.

“K-Kylo,” Hux stuttered. He straightened his back and rearranged his features into a calm, indifferent mask. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

“Well here I am.” Ren growled back. “Darth Astra, we have a battle to win.”

I nodded and pushed myself out of the chair, following him to the flight deck. Once we were on the ship and moving at light-speed, he used the Force to draw me to a small back room.

“This battle is a turning point.” He whispered, closing the door behind him. I nodded and pulled my hood down. Kylo took a step closer, his fingers pushing down my scarf that had the voice-changer in it. A second later, I was pressed against the wall, pinned in place by one of his legs between mine, supporting my weight as my knees went weak. I stared up into his eyes as he stared back down at me. He leaned down to my height. My eyelids fluttered shut as his warm breath fanned across my lips. Only a second passed before our mouths melded together with barely restrained passion. My fingers moved into his hair and tugged lightly, eliciting a soft moan. His hands moved along my sides and down to my thighs, where they lifted me up. I locked my ankles behind his waist and pulled him closer. He let out a startled (but pleased) groan. I nipped at his lower lip, and the kiss deepened.

We pulled back for air, our eyes closed as our chests heaved.

“Don’t get too caught up in the fight.” I whispered. “Always stay in touch with the force.” He nodded and dipped down to kiss me again.

“I expect that you will be in our room later to continue this?” He murmured against my lips. I hummed in happiness.

“Of course, love.” I opened my eyes and stared at his flushed features. His eyes were still closed, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks. “I’ll be waiting.” His eyes opened halfway. I gazed into his eyes, lost in the swirling, chocolate depths. One of his hands moved up my side, lightly grazing against my abdomen on its way up. His index finger hooked the chain around my neck and pulled it out from under my shirt. I watched his expression as he examined the ring that he’d given to me almost a year ago. Regret rushed through me. It was his birthday today, and I was planning on leaving him soon.

My chest hurt and I looked away. I loved him. So much. So deeply. With every fiber of my being.

And I was going to have to leave him behind.

Leave it all behind.

His hand cupped my cheek and turned my face to his. Dark eyes searched my own.

“What’s wrong?” He whispered into the space between us. I shook my head and closed my eyes.

“I don’t want you to get hurt.” It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t what was wrong though, either. I couldn’t meet his gaze. He’d see right through me. The light over the door blinked on. We’d entered the planet’s atmosphere and dropped out of light speed. My legs dropped from around Kylo’s waist. He had his hands on my hips, waiting for me to have my feet under me before he tucked my ring back under my shirt and hid my mouth and nose under the scarf. His fingers smoothed out my hood before that too went up, hiding my eyes with its dark shadow. I stared up at him from under the lip of the hood, the Force drawing his helmet to my hand. His eyes closed as I brushed my fingers gently along his cheek before putting his helmet in place. The front section whirred and clicked into place, hiding my husband under an emotionless mask. My mind reached out and brushed against his.

_Be safe, mon amour._

_In Aeternum et semper._

Forever and always.


	3. Behind their backs, above the clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astra makes a supply run to another planet during the short battle on Jakku. She goes to D'Qar to drop off the supplies and see her dragon.   
> More rising action. No Kylo/ Astra action yet. More will come.   
> Filler-ish chapter? Still important to the main story line.

I boarded a departing Stormtrooper ship to get back to base before Kylo did. This battle was his, not mine, and I had orders from Snoke not to interfere. I was still supposed to be in the background, away from the main spotlight. Few knew of my existence, but those that did feared me even more than Kylo.

Once I was back on base, I logged an X-wing into the computer system for a flight. A little green light lit up beside the computer panel, and I was free to leave. I climbed into the cockpit and pulled the hatch closed over my head, strapping my bag in beside me. The engines roared to life under my touch, and I was soon speeding out of the terminal at half-speed. Jumping to light-speed threw me back against the seat, but it didn’t really matter. I needed to get there and back- fast.

Once the x-wing was safely landed, I stripped down into just my plain black training clothes so that no one would know that I was a Sith Lord. I released my chest binder and slid on a sports bra, pulling on a tight tank top over it. My boots stayed on, because they were the only pair I brought. I strapped my lightsaber to my thigh and pulled on a large overcoat that hid my form well enough while still allowing for free movement. My credit card got slipped into the waistband of my trainers, where it was safe, and then I was off, the hood drawn to avoid attention.

I tipped one of the mechanics who was watching the loading bay. He nodded at me, the universal sign for ‘your ship is in good hands’, and then I slipped unseen into the market square, knowing that the x-wing would still be there when I got back. My fingers went to the chain around my neck. I fingered the ring that rested against my collarbone, still struggling to figure out if I should keep it or not- once I ended this life, that is.

If I needed to pay for something big that I needed urgently, it was there. If I didn’t have memories attached to it, then there wouldn’t be emotional attachment. On the other hand, the selfish side of me wanted to hide it away so that my relationship would always be a secret.

These distracting thoughts were running through my head as I slipped into a crowded shop, looking for new clothes. I found what I needed relatively quickly- plenty of forest green material that I could make clothes out of (I was actually really good at sewing) and a few dark green tunics. Under the piles of tunics were rows and rows of black pants- leggings and jeans, and sweatpants, and fatigues- it was a runaway’s paradise. I tried on as many clothes as I could stand before paying and leaving the shop with a heavy bag full of new clothes that I wouldn’t even be able to use until I ran away.

Once I emptied the bag in the x-wing, I headed back to the food stalls for anything that would keep for quite a while. Eventually I found a vendor who had crates full of different options.

I left the planet with a bag full of protein bars and powders and another bag full of new clothes.

 

My x-wing flew under the radar in the skies of D’Qar. The Force really came in handy at times like these.

I touched down far away from the Resistance bases. This huge area of untouched forest was going to be my new home once I’d escaped the First Order.

I removed the overcoat, leaving me in just tight-fitting training clothes. Carrying both bags really wasn’t a big deal for me. I was a Sith Lord. I was trained both mentally and physically to go beyond the capabilities of the average Joe. Two bags each weighing fifty pounds or more? Pssh. Easy.

Besides, there was an adolescent dragon waiting for me, nose sticking out between two trees.

Yes, I said dragon.

Aragon was mine. I raised him. I trained him. I taught him how to fly. D’Qar was his home. It was all he ever knew, and that meant he knew it well.

Once he scented me, his head pushed further out from between the two trees. His jaws parted, revealing two rows of glistening white teeth. Dark, forest-green tinged black scales rimmed light hazel eyes that had the power to stare right into one’s soul. Little spikes protruded along his forehead, creating a crown-like pattern that extended down to the tip of his nose and went up, between his back-curled horns and down his neck. Velvety green ears perked in my direction, mimicking the movement of his head as he cocked it to the side. I pushed open the top hatch of the x-wing and jumped off of the nose of the ship. Aragon darted forward, catching me on his back. I settled just before his shoulders, his wings extending on either side of me. The lithe green beast purred contentedly at my presence. I smiled and wrapped my arms around a neck that was already as thick around as I was.

_I’ve missed you._ I whispered into his mind. One great gem of an eye locked onto me.

_And I, you._

Aragon’s voice was deep as it reverberated through the force. I stared at his twitching ears as he carried me and my two bags through the dense undergrowth toward what was going to be my new home.

_You’ve grown larger._ I muttered sourly. My response was a dragon’s laugh. The sound made my legs vibrate with his chest. I smoothed my hand over the scales on his neck, admiring the way the light played with the matte color of his sleek body.

_You’ve grown sadder_. He commented, sadness tinting his own voice. I watched the passing scenery with a disinterested air.

_I can feel that my time with him is growing short._ I whispered. Aragon hesitated for a second before taking another step. His wings curled in to allow him to pass through a tight trail.

_I do not know of mates_ , Aragon murmured _, but what I do know from you is that you love this man very much. Leaving is your decision. I will be here either way to support you. If the darkness is too much, then you must leave. If you have no other option, than you must leave._

I mulled his words over in my head.

_I love you._ I whispered to him.

_I love you too, small one._ Our love for each other wasn’t the same as my love for Kylo. We knew the deepest parts of the other through our connection. When Aragon had hatched, he imprinted on me, and I imprinted on him. Our minds were joined and now, anyone who looked into my mind would see a kaleidoscope of the two of us. They would see through both of our eyes, hear both of our thoughts, and feel what both of us felt. Aragon felt everything I felt, and I felt everything he did. We were one being. Separate, but united.

One.

I straightened my back and stared at the passing trees, memorizing as much as I could. My path was clear now. I would escape from the First Order. I would leave humanity behind to heal the mental scars that wiping most of my memory would leave. Aragon and I would survive together, alone.

And in time, the galaxy would forget the name and face of Darth Astra.


	4. To be or not to be? Poe and his now mixed feelings...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astra spends time with Aragon, her dragon. (oh hey i just realized that you get Aragon by taking Dragon, minus the D, plus an A. Oops?) When she gets back on base, she talks to their new prisoner, Poe Dameron. His mind is tortured by his surroundings, so she uses the Force to give him a peaceful, restful sleep. When he wakes up, he's confused. Why would a Sith help him?

Aragon’s wings beat powerfully under me. Wind whipped through my unbound hair. My arms were flung out to either side. A happy scream tore from my lungs, echoed by Aragon’s roar. Smoke streamed from his nostrils, fanning out around us. The clouds were below us, and we didn’t have a care in the world.

I had a few hours before I had to leave. My future home had been stocked with the new items I bought. Now, I was set. At any time, I could wipe my memory and start fresh, secure in a life among the trees.

For now, I was content to cling to my dragon’s back and soar through the clouds.

My outstretched fingers brushed suspended water droplets as Aragon banked left. He took a sudden, sharp nose-dive which sent the two of us careening toward the thick canopy of trees.

I wasn’t afraid.

Adrenaline slammed through my veins, creating a steady burn in my limbs as I clung to one of Aragon’s neck spines. We hurtled toward the ground at break-neck speeds. I closed my eyes against the burning cold air. Aragon’s mind brushed against mine in warning a second before he pulled up, having given me just enough time to brace against his back.

We soared easily over the canopy, his wing tips brushing against branches on every down-stroke. I sat up straight on his back, staring out at the unrestrained, green waves of trees, admiring the way my dragon blended in perfectly with his surroundings. He was in his fifth year of life, and he had many, many more ahead of him. By extension, so did I, as well as anyone I, well, (as he put it,) consensually mated with. That meant Kylo. And any future kids.

My whole bloodline would be pretty much immortal.

And force sensitive.

I just hoped the surgery on Coruscant three years back had done its job.

The galaxy wasn’t ready for immortal, Force-sensitive people. That was the stuff dictators and supervillains were made of.

Aragon landed softly in the middle of a clearing close to my x-wing. I slid off his back, and just like every time we’d done this before, he curled around me, nose-to-tail, and waited for me to get comfortable against his warm belly before he draped his wing over his arms and legs, enveloping me in a tent made of soft, vein-rich velvet.

Once the last traces of adrenaline wore off, my body was exhausted. I rested my head against Aragon’s forearm and quickly fell asleep, dreaming of quiet, peaceable, alternate worlds where Aragon and Kylo and I could live a relaxed life, free from all harm.

 

Aragon’s soft brush against my mind woke me up. D’Qar was starting to get dark. I had to leave.

My dragon’s hide was darkening with the colors of the trees. He had the perfect camouflage. As a forest dragon, his scales took on the color of his surroundings. This made him nearly invisible to all imaging, which meant that he would be safe so close to the Resistance base.

I crawled onto his back and lay stomach-down on his back, my arms draped over his muscular shoulders, his wings holding me in place as he started the short walk back to my x-wing.

Just about five minutes later, I slipped off of his back and rubbed his nose in parting. He hummed and pressed against my hand, eyes closed. A small smile tugged at my lips.

_I will miss you._ I murmured against his mind.

_I will miss you more, small one._

The x-wing’s cockpit was cold. As I turned the engine on, sound suddenly enveloped me. I sighed and closed my eyes. The peace of D’Qar’s forest was broken. I was back to the busy life of the First Order. With one last glance at Aragon, I pulled up on the joystick and lifted off of the ground. Once the ship cleared the forest canopy, Aragon roared a good-bye. I made the jump into light-speed to get back to Starkiller Base.

 

The Base was in a frenzy of movement. I took in a deep breath to calm myself down, keeping it in the forefront of my mind that behind my long, dark robes, no one could see my panicked face. My mind skimmed over the whole planet, finally settling on Kylo’s location. He was with a prisoner whose mind was whirling in different, beautiful colors. I didn’t realize it, but when I opened my eyes, I was standing in front of the door to the prisoner’s room. Kylo had left for some food, which left me alone. With a curt nod to the Storm Trooper, I used the Force to slide open the doors.

A dark haired man greeted me. His eyes were closed, head tilted to the side. A quick look over his mind showed me that he was unconscious. His body was slumped against the restraints. I waved a hand at the two guards inside the room. They snapped to attention and left without staring at me. Once the door shut, I slipped my hood off and pulled down on my scarf, reaching out a tentative hand to the prisoner.

The skin of his cheek was cold. Bruises covered the left side of his face and blood dripped down the right side. I felt bad for him, honestly. Acting on instinct, I reached out and cupped his face in my hand, moving the Force through my arm and into his body, healing only the worst of his injuries. He was still a prisoner, after all. With my eyes closed and all of my focus on his internal injuries, I didn’t see his eyes flutter open and lock on my face.

My own eyes flew open when he jerked away from my touch. He stared at me with such conflicted emotions that I took an involuntary step back before I hardened my gaze and turned away from him, angry at myself for allowing him to see my face. This small slip up could jeopardize all of my plans of escape.

“Wait-“He started, his voice hoarse, probably from screaming.

I hung my head, staring at my feet. “I’m sorry for anything Kylo has done to you.” I whispered, just barely audible. Behind me, he took in a sharp breath. I could feel his dark eyes on my back. “What’s your name?” I asked, turning just slightly to look at him over my shoulder.

He paused, considering his situation. “Poe.” He murmured. “Poe Dameron.” There was another brief pause. “What’s yours?”

“Caru.” It was my new name. The name I would use once I left the First Order. I turned away again and cursed myself under my breath for being so stupid. If he was to escape- I lifted my hand and let the Force flow through my body again, directing it toward him. “Sleep well, Dameron.” I breathed out and let the Force move between us. It swirled around him, slipping into his body and relaxing his muscles. I watched him for a second as his eyes dropped and his head sagged, and then he was asleep. His mind was peaceful and calm for the first time since being on Base.

I hadn’t realized it, but I’d just given him a precious gift. He was free from his torture for a while, and now he would remember my name.

He would remember my face.


	5. Birthday presents can leave you sore.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter was short, and i'm sorry, so here's a present. Well, Kylo's present. For his birthday. From Astra.   
> Its smut. As much as my innocent, asexual brain could come up with. No, that's not sarcasm. I'm serious.

I slipped into my room unseen. My hood and scarf had been put back into place once I’d left Poe’s cell, so my identity was still safe from the Storm Troopers. I locked the door using a passcode so that only Kylo could enter, and stripped down to my fatigues, content to wait for my husband to return.

For the time being, I lounged on the bed with my datapad on my lap.

The checklist of items I needed to survive was blinking green and red before my eyes. I catalogued the clothes and food I’d bought earlier and double-checked the list.

Lightsaber. Stolen Kyber Crystals. Fire starter. Clothes. Food. Non-perishables. Dried fruits. Pillows. Blankets.

The list went on for two pages, full of details. I tucked my lightsaber into the bedside table and went to work on another sketch of Kylo. This one was of him asleep, holding tightly to his pillow, his lips slightly parted. I’d just finished when the door slid open.

Kylo yanked off his helmet and forcefully slammed it into its cubby beside my voice-changing scarf. I locked the datapad and put it beside my saber, knowing that Kylo needed some help calming down. His eyes cut over to me as I shifted positions on the bed, my back pressed against the headboard, right leg bent. Dark eyes surveyed my form, and I suddenly felt the Force take ahold of my wrists, pinning my arms above my head. I tiled my head back and closed my eyes, listening as Kylo prowled across the room to the bed. His coat hit the ground with a light thump at the foot of the bed, and then the mattress dipped as he leaned his weight on it. He towered over me, even on hands and knees, his forehead against mine, one arm braced on either side of my head, one knee on either side of my hips. I tilted my chin toward him, smiling when I felt his lips graze mine. His fingers wound between mine, holding my hands above my head and effectively rendering me powerless.

Damn boy knew it was my biggest turn-on.

My body was limp beneath his as he took control and kissed me. I let out a quiet moan as his lips traced along the line of my jaw and dipped down to my throat, leaving open-mouthed kisses along my skin, intermittent between harsh nips that were sure to leave hickeys on my pale neck.

“ _Kylo_ -“ I arched my back against his chest as he held both of my wrists in one of his hands, the other running down my back to rest just above my backside. His dark hair brushed the side of my face as he sucked on my neck, leaving a definite hickey.

His hand dropped its grip on my wrist, allowing me to reflexively run my fingers through his hair as his fingers hooked the hem of my training shirt and pulled up, leaving the dark material bunched just under my breasts as his hands roamed the skin of my abdomen.

“So beautiful,” he murmured, his fingers tracing the line of my hips before they moved across my abs.

“Not fair.” I grumbled, pulling his shirt over his head. He grinned wickedly and threw his shirt across the room before he yanked mine off of my torso. I gasped when he immediately latched onto my neck, his mouth moving down and tracing a path between my breasts and then further down- across my stomach and over my hips. My nails grazed over his chest, the pads of my fingers tracing the hard line of his abs down to the waist band of his pants. I moved back up his chest, grinning when I felt him shudder under my touch. His hands gripped onto my thighs, enticing a gasp from me when he suddenly pulled me against his body. I opened my eyes and stared up at his face, soaking in every detail from the light smattering of freckles to the dark locks of hair that fell across his features, always untamable.

He yanked down on my leggings, earning a gasp and a moan when he leaned down and kissed the tops of my thighs. Soon, my leggings were off and halfway across the room, which left me in just my black lacy undergarments. His eyes roved across my figure. I didn’t shy away.

Kylo Ren was the one person I didn’t feel uncomfortable with. I could be stark naked and under his gaze and I would be able to lift my head up and proudly stare him down. Now, with his predatory gaze drinking in my prone form, I felt more empowered than ever.

My fingers hooked into the waist band of his trainers and pulled. I suddenly released it, enjoying the moan that followed the snap of fabric against skin. He took my lead and shimmied out of the black fabric, returning to pin me against the mattress with his mostly bare body. I hooked my legs around his hips and pulled my body against him, earning a breathy groan when my core brushed a sensitive area. His eyes fluttered closed. I leaned against him and kissed the tip of his nose. He smiled and leaned down to nuzzle my neck. I giggled and locked my fingers into his hair.

“I love you.” He whispered against my heated skin.

“I love you too. More than you know.” I murmured back, nibbling on his earlobe. He pulled back.

“Prove it.” He grinned. I bit my lip and stared at him from behind half-lidded eyes. He sucked in a ragged breath as I pushed myself up and put my hands on his chest. I smirked at his ragged moan of surprise when I pushed him onto his back, straddling his hips. His eyes closed as I bent over, keeping my weight off of him to allow him to make the next move. His hands found my hips and pressed down. I flattened myself against his chest, rocking back slightly and earning another breathy moan. I turned my head and kissed the underside of his jaw, my stomach doing flips. He moaned my name, fingers digging into my hips. I cupped his jaw in one hand and bent over him, my other hand firmly on his chest.

“Too much?” I whispered. “The fun part hasn’t even started.” I kissed his cheek, grinning at the shuddering breath he took in as I moved down his body, teeth leaving definite nips against heated flesh.

His body reacted to my touch as I slipped his boxers off. I found myself underneath him again, staring up at the ceiling as he swiftly removed the last vestiges of clothes from my body. His hips ground against me and I clung onto the sheets, my body reacting almost violently. He sucked on my neck, earning a ragged moan. I could feel him grin against my skin.

Suddenly he was inside of me. I screamed out his name as my body struggled to adjust. Pleasure exploded behind my closed eyelids. Waves of euphoria spread across my body. All rational thoughts fled my mind, and all bets were off after that.

Round one led to round two. Our insatiable bodies were tired and soaked in sweat by round three. Round four was under the warm spray of the shower. Both of us were panting from exertion, hazy, lust-filled eyes drowning in the other’s body. His back was scratched up and pinkish purple hickeys ran the length of our bodies, but neither of us felt any pain in the moment.

His fingers ran through my hair, massaging shampoo into each strand. I kept my legs locked around his waist, my fingers tracing lazy circles against his chest as he washed my hair. I leaned forward against his chest, my tired eyes closing as I buried my face in the crook of his neck like I was a child. We stood there under the shower head for a good ten minutes before we were too tired to do anything more than dry the other off and slide into bed.

His arms snaked around my waist under the soft fabric of his shirt that he’d slipped over my head to keep me warm. My bare legs brushed against the soft fabric of his sweatpants as I moved back against his warm body. He pulled the blankets over us as I turned in his arms and snuggled closer, wishing I could live forever in the warmth and sweet scent of his body. He kissed the crown of my head and buried his face in my hair.

“Sleep well, my love.” He whispered, voice hoarse from exertion. My only response was a half-asleep sound of agreement against the soft skin of his chest. I felt his gentle chuckle before sleep overtook my exhausted frame and I fell asleep in my husband’s loving arms.


	6. Daring escapes and confessions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An imbecile breaks the news of Poe's escape without Astra around.   
> later, Astra talks to Kylo about his loyalties- without letting on that she's switched sides. 
> 
> ~i've been writing, writing, writing, all day long, with intermittent breaks to buy more Star Wars stuff. Lastest haul was six ish books and a concept art book, a 100-piece puzzle ft. Rey, Finn, and BB-8, and two mint tins- one is a clone trooper helmet, the other is Darth Vader's helmet. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAY i've had sugar and now im going to write some more!!!!!!!!!!!!~

The next morning was a Saturday. We were both too tired and sore to move, so we stayed in bed, a tangled mess of limbs and beating hearts.

Saturday became Sunday, and there was too much that needed to be done for us to stay in bed. It was with loudly growling stomachs that we dressed and headed to the officers’ cafeteria for food.

Locked in the safety of a private room offset from the rest of the café, Kylo removed his helmet and I took off my scarf and hood. We consumed a good, combined four plates of food before simply sitting back, digesting, my head resting on his shoulder, our fingers intertwined on his thigh.

I let out a quiet moan of protest whenever he shifted positions.

“Are you still sore?” He whispered against my hair. I groaned in agreement. He chuckled and kissed my head. “Sorry.” I knew that the apology was insincere. He probably took great pleasure in the fact that he could make me sore for a full two days afterward. I mumbled something disgruntled and incoherent against the coarse fabric of his over-shirt in reply.

The sensor above the door to the small alcove dinged, making us jump apart. Kylo straightened his robes and I pretended to be busy pushing a blue berry around my plate. The door slid open, revealing General Hux. A second passed in which our eyes met before I realized why he was staring at me.

“What do you want?” I growled, making even Kylo flinch.

The general stuttered, his eyes taking in my features. My upper lip curled in distaste.

“Are you going to stare at your superior, or are you going to speak, General?” Kylo sneered. Hux snapped to attention, his eyes focused on the relative area above my head.

“There was a… breach… in the flight deck…” He started, eyes flicking down to Kylo’s face to judge his reaction. “The prisoner from Jakku escaped.”

“Escaped?!” Kylo yelled. All motion in the cafeteria stopped. Hundreds of eyes turned to us. I used the Force to pull my hood up so they couldn’t see my face. My scarf fit into place, and it was the distorted, masculine voice that responded to the General.

“How exactly did a prisoner escape from our Base?” I questioned.

Hux visibly gulped.

“There was a defective Storm trooper, scheduled for reconditioning.” He started. “He aided the prisoner’s escape.”

“FN-2187.” Kylo growled. I put my hand on his bicep to calm him. He glanced appreciatively at me before pulling on his helmet. I slid out of the set, followed closely by Kylo. He stormed off in the direction of the control room while I went to see Captain Phasma.

 

“Why is it that FN-2187 was not accompanied to reconditioning?” I asked the silver-clad captain. She stared evenly at me from behind the black visor of her helmet.

“FN-2187 was to submit his blaster for inspection. He was found with his helmet off, shaken up from the battle. Nervousness is common among troopers who go into their first battle.” She snorted. “He’s never shown signs of non-conformity.”

I raised an eyebrow. It was a shame she couldn’t see it. “So you have personal experience with him.”

She looked surprised, from what little I could tell.

“No more than what I know of my other troopers, my Lord.” She responded. I waved my hand at her.

“Dismissed.” She stood at attention, saluted, and took her leave. I sighed heavily and slumped over onto the control panels of the meeting room, putting all of my weight onto my right leg and dropping my left hip. I had a headache from the events of the morning. Already. This had to be a new record.

 

Kylo was obviously very angry that night. He lay with his head in my lap, eyes closed as I ran my fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp with my fingertips.

“So they crash-landed on Jakku? Do you think they were going back for the droid?”

“Yeah.” He sighed, eyes still closed. “The TIE crashed in the northern sands, meaning they could be dead. That’s what I’m hoping, at least, but knowing FN-2187’s training, it’s highly probable that at least he is alive. We sent teams down to retrieve them, but we haven’t heard anything yet.”

My fingers swiftly fish-tailed a small section of his hair, near the back of his head. I cupped his face in my hands and leaned over, placing a chaste kiss on his lips.

“Forget about it for tonight, love.” I whispered against his lips. He nodded.

“Okay.”

I let him get up. He took my hand and tugged me to the bathroom. We showered together to save hot water- that was common for us to do, even without getting sexual. Once both of us were clean, dry, and dressed in comfortable night clothes, we slid under the blankets and cuddled until we fell asleep.

 

The next morning was disastrous. Kylo was pulled into a meeting with Snoke. Shortly after, when I wasn’t around him, some stupid officer decided to break the bad news to Kylo that the TIE fighters had failed. FN-2187 had been rescued by a scavenger girl, and the two of them escaped on the one and only millennium falcon with the BB unit.

It went without saying that Kylo had destroyed the comms room.

I was the one in charge of calming him down, so a squad of Storm troopers had tracked me down and led me to my seething husband.

“Kylo.” I said. He turned to look at me, sending the troopers away with a wave of his hand. The room was destroyed. Comms panels were ripped in half, the edges still glowing red from the heat of his saber. Smoke filled the air. It was filtered out by his mask, but not by my scarf, so I stayed outside of the door. I watched as Kylo clipped his saber back onto his belt and came out of the room to me. His strong arms wrapped tightly around my waist and he lifted me easily. With my feet dangling about a foot off of the ground, I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him bury his masked face in my shoulder, ignoring the way the metal dug almost painfully into my skin. I could feel the way his chest was still heaving, his heart beating wildly beneath his black robes. “Come back to our room.” I muttered. “No one will bother you there.” He nodded and set me back on my feet, setting a quick pace back to our room.

Once the door shut behind us, Kylo yanked off his helmet and started pacing the floor. I stood back, letting his pace out some negative energy before I said anything.

“A scavenger.” He eventually growled. “A measly scavenger. Took the Millennium Falcon.” He paced back over to me and stopped, eyes squeezed shut, fingers harshly rubbing his temples. “This is going to bring my father into the mess.” He whimpered. “Snoke’s going to make me kill him.”

I stepped forward and pulled his face down to my level, kissing him hard on the lips. “I know how much your father means to you.” I whispered. His hands found my hips and pulled my abdomen flush against him. “Do what you can to end this peaceably and then be done with it.” I advised. He nodded and pressed his forehead to mine.

“I don’t know what I would do without you.” He whimpered.

There it was again- that pang of regret in my chest. I kissed him again, trying to memorize the way his lips felt against mine.

“Maybe you should try to contact Leia.” I whispered. “Tell her how you feel. It could mean a world of difference in your future.” He nodded and closed his eyes again. His fingers dug into my hips. I held in a flinch of pain and placed my palm against his cheek, bringing him back to the present. His eyes opened and his grip relaxed. “I could do it for you.” I whispered.


	7. Private hologram messages to the mother in law, confessions ctd.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astra's running out of time.  
> She makes an executive decision to message Leia without Kylo's knowledge. What Leia sees in the message is her son- and his wife- something she never could've believed possible if someone had told her after Ben Solo killed the younglings.

“General Organa, we have received a private message for you from the First Order.”

Leia’s back straightened. She stared at the officer before her, not believing what she’d just heard.

“Show me.” She commanded, her voice wavering with barely withheld emotion. Was her son contacting her? The officer led her to a private hologram room, where a black-clad figure stood with their arms crossed over their chest. The hologram flickered, and so did Leia’s heart. It wasn’t her son.

The door closed behind her, and she was shocked to see the Sith Lord pull down their hood and remove a scarf. Her eyes widened even further when she realized it was a girl beneath those men’s clothes.

“Hello, Leia.” The woman greeted her as if she was an old friend.

“Who are you?” Leia questioned, crossing her arms.

“My name is Darth Astra, but you may call me Caru.”

Leia’s eyebrows scrunched. “Why does that sound familiar,” She murmured.

“You may have heard of me before.” The Sith said. A pained expression crossed her face. “I didn’t come here to brag.” She continued. “I came here to say that no matter what happens, your son misses you. He is under Snoke’s control, on pain of torture if he doesn’t comply. You have to forgive him for whatever happens.”

Leia watched the Sith carefully. There was something in her eyes- and the way she fingered something on a chain around her neck-

“You two are lovers.” Leia commented. With her tone of voice, it was as if she was commenting on the weather.

The Sith’s head snapped up. “How do you-“She paused and looked down. Leia was beginning to get the sense that this hologram of a woman was more human than anyone else in the First Order. She had feelings. Emotions. “That doesn’t matter, but if you must know, we are married.”

“You’re my daughter-in-law.” Leia gasped. The girl nodded. Her head whipped to the side, and she rushed over to the projector. Leia could see over her shoulder then- she was in a bedroom.

“Don’t speak. Just watch.” Darth Astra whispered to the camera. She rushed over to the bed and removed her cloak. Leia was about to ask why the girl was giving her a strip tease when she heard the door to the hologram room open. A dark figure strode in. The General’s eyes widened when she saw her son for the first time since he’d left with Luke.

He was taller than she remembered.

Kylo put his helmet down, out of Leia’s sight and dropped his coat beside it. He walked back into the view of the camera and cupped Astra’s face in one hand, leaving a quick kiss on her lips. Leia watched his body carefully, noting the way his tense shoulders relaxed when the two kissed.

“How was the meeting with Snoke?” Astra asked when the two separated.

“He told me that I needed to kill Han if I saw him.” Kylo growled. Leia gasped, but covered her mouth in time. Kylo didn’t hear her. He pulled off his shirt and leaned back, letting Astra position him on her lap. Leia watched Astra run her fingers through his hair.

“Do you want to?” Astra asked. Kylo sighed. Leia’s heart stopped. If he said he did, she knew she couldn’t forgive him.

“I just want to be back with them.” His eyes closed and a pained expression crossed his features. Even from the hologram, Leia could tell. Her son was deeply hurt by the Dark Side. By Snoke. “I want the four of us to be a family, Astra. I don’t want this anymore.”

Leia was glad that she was recording the events. She’d told an officer to record the message before she’d walked in- for safety reasons.

“I don’t either.” Astra murmured. Her eyes cut to the small camera that she’d hidden in her scarf. Leia understood her meaning. She was planning something. Something big.

Leia and Astra both saw the single, renegade tear that slipped down Kylo’s cheek.

“I made a mistake, following Snoke. I was young, and unbearably stupid. Leia was never there and Han wanted me to be something I wasn’t. I regret it all, now. I just want to forget all of this ever happened.” His eyes opened. Astra’s eyebrows furrowed when she saw his unshed tears. “I’d rather kill myself than kill Han.” He whispered.

“Do you think you ever could go back to Leia?” Astra asked. Kylo pushed himself up and settled again with his back to his wife, his head on his pillow.

“You know I can’t do that.” He growled. “She would never be able to forgive me for what I’ve done- especially if I can’t forgive myself.”

Even through the hologram, Astra’s eyes locked onto Leia’s.

 

The next morning was worse. FN-2187 and the scavenger had teamed up with Han Solo and Chewbacca, thus sealing Kylo’s fate. If he met Han and didn’t kill him, then he forfeit his own life into Snoke’s hands. The piece of the map to Luke Skywalker was still with the BB unit. Officers on the comms deck were working furiously to track down the Falcon. Now, they had the area down to a smaller radius- by their best guess, the ex-smuggler and his smuggled guests were heading to Maz Kanata’s den.

This meant war.

Storm troopers were gathering on the flight deck, piling into ships while mechanics ran around like chickens with their heads cut off, trying to fuel and check every transport ship. Hux looked down on the chaos from the Flight Control Center, or FCC. As always, he was standing perfectly straight, hands locked behind his back, feet shoulder-width apart, stick up his arse.

Kylo paced the deck of his Upsilon-class command shuttle.

“Takodana.” He growled. “Of all places, they are on Takodana.”

On the other side of the flight deck, I was climbing into my X-wing, readying it for the battle. There was a sinking feeling in my chest that my time with Kylo was drawing to a close.

In my lap, I held the datapad that contained everything I was going to give to Aragon for safe keeping.

_A man named Poe Dameron knows your name and what you look like. So does Leia Organa of the Rebellion. Only Organa knows that you are married to Ben._

_I cannot stress how important it is that you stay away from other people. Aragon will protect you. Others will try to harm you._

_Whatever you do, DO NOT LET THEM TAKE YOU TO THE REBEL BASE._

 I locked the datapad, slid it under my seat, and waved to the tech who gave me a thumbs-up for liftoff. My X-wing was steady as it pulled up, the landing pads retreating into the hull. I zipped out of the hangar, hitting light-speed on my way to D’Qar.

Aragon met me where I landed. I gave him the datapad, and he flew off. Because I was in my X-wing, I risked flying over the Resistance base. The Air strips were buzzing with activity. Among the pilots, I recognized the mind of Poe Dameron and cursed the idiot for flying out so soon after being tortured.

Not that it was my concern.

Because it wasn’t.

I hit light-speed again, flying like a crazy person to Takodana.

My X-wing landed in the forest, far behind where I knew the fight would be. I wouldn’t even be on either side’s radar.

And so the waiting game began.

It wasn’t long before the first explosions rocked the ground beneath my feet. I put a hand on the hull of my X-wing to steady myself, staring out toward the spires of Kanata’s castle as the tallest fell. The battle had begun.

 

Rey ran through the forest. Her feet slapped the ground with a maddening rhythm, lungs burning to pull oxygen into her body. She’d just jumped over a branch when the ground beneath her feet shook, sending her sprawling, face-first into the dirt. She got up, brushed herself off, and kept running.

Finn was running, too. He wasn’t the quietest, either. Loud, large feet pounded the concrete tunnel under Kanata’s castle. His arms pumped in time with his legs, Luke’s lightsaber firmly clutched in one hand. Behind him, Maz Kanata, Han Solo and Chewbacca struggled to keep up. When the four finally broke into open air, the battle was in full swing around them. Finn split off of the group, headed for a trooper supply ship that he wanted to destroy. To him, the fewer Storm troopers that could make it back to Starkiller base, the better.

Maz was right. Her words echoed in his head on repeat.

_want to run… want to run… want to run…_

He was running, alright. Running straight toward the First Order.

Han Solo and Chewie were fighting their way through messes of white-armored men and women without remorse. They saw Kylo’s command shuttle land, but neither of them saw him step out. _It was for the better,_ Han thought. If he didn’t see his son, he wouldn’t have to tell Leia.

 

My chest burned. There was a sickening twist in my stomach, and I threw up. Again.

The world was flickering in and out of my vision. I put a hand to my head and moaned. Something was wrong with me. Something was very wrong. This had never happened before.

Takodana shook again. I heard the screams of TIE fighters exploding and the roar of other X-wing engines. I fell to my hands and knees and crawled away from the puke, hoping that my stomach would settle.

It didn’t. I threw up again and again, my brain racked with horrible images- Force visions- of the battle and of Starkiller base.

Of Kylo, gravely injured.


	8. Imprisoned.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starkiller Base implodes.   
> by some miracle, Three last stragglers survive.   
> Kylo, Astra, and someone who's escaped death too many times to count.

There was a blip on Poe’s radar. It was from an X-wing that wasn’t supposed to exist.

He shot down another TIE fighter and sped over to the ship. What he saw made his gut turn uneasily.

The Sith Lord who had healed him lay in a crumpled heap on the forest floor, breathing heavily. She was wearing only a tight-fitting outfit- black tee shirt and black pants with a strap on her thigh where her saber was clipped. Black boots were laced up to her knee. She kicked at the ground and screamed as he landed. He slammed the cockpit window open and jumped out of his X-wing in a rush to get to her. When he touched her shoulder, she screamed louder and lashed out. He caught her wrist with one hand and used the other to pin her shoulder down. She thrashed and kept screaming.

Anxiety was beginning to creep into his mind. What was wrong with her?

“No! KYLO NO!” She yelled, her voice cracking. He flinched when she spit up blood. Instinct kicked in and he rolled her onto her side as she coughed up more blood. He fought with her flailing limbs for another minute before he finally had her subdued- his shins pinned hers, his hands caught her wrists. Her back arched as she struggled, her head swinging side to side. He realized that her eyes were closed.

Poe was distracted when the chain around her neck slid. A small ring slipped out from under her tank top. His breath caught when he realized what it was.

Her skin was covered in a fine sheen of sweat by the time her flailing had reduced to a few spasms. Through her garbled screams, he’d realized what was happening. She was having very violent Force-visions. Leia had told him about those- Luke used to have them, but they didn’t compare to what the girl under him was going through. He could only imagine what would be so horrendous that she coughed up blood.

“I don’t have a choice!” She yelled. “Come with me, please.” A whimper escaped her lips. Poe found that he couldn’t look away.

_Damn you hormones- she’s married!_

She let out another, even more broken sound before she went limp. Poe released her and moved to straddle her hips, his hands cupping her face. When his fingers found her pulse, he breathed a sigh of relief. She was alive.

It was enough to make him react in the moment and kiss her- straight on the lips.

 

I didn’t know where I was when I woke up, but a panicked look around made me calm down. Somehow, I’d ended up in the pilot’s seat of my X-wing. I took a steadying breath, staring out of the windshield at the slowly darkening world around me. The X-wing’s monitor beeped with an incoming message. I hit the accept button, and a miniature version of my husband popped up.

“Hey, love.” I murmured. My throat hurt. From what, I didn’t know.

“Astra! Are you okay? I’ve been trying to contact you for hours!”

“I’m fine. I’m headed back now.” I murmured, flicking the switches to start my engines.

Hologram-Kylo ran a hand through his hair. “I have to go to a meeting with Snoke. Will you be back when I get out?”

“Yeah. I’ll be there.”

“Okay.” I was thrown back against my seat as I hit light speed.

“I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah.” He whispered. “Soon.”

Pulling back down from Light speed was the easy part. Landing in the midst of utter chaos, now that was harder. Once I touched down though, I jumped out of the cockpit and ran towards where Kylo’s tortured thoughts were.

My heart slammed to a stop.

Han Solo stood on the bridge, facing Kylo.

Kylo’s helmet was off and by his feet. Han said something I couldn’t hear, and then Kylo unclipped his lightsaber and held it between them. His dark eyes met mine over Han’s shoulder. I shook my head, begging him not to do it without uttering a word. He looked away.

A second later, the Force swirled around the two. I knew that what I was seeing was an illusion, simply because I was so experienced with the Force, but it still shocked me to see the red blade of Kylo’s lightsaber sticking out of Han’s back.

I screamed. Han reached out and caressed Kylo’s cheek before his legs buckled and he fell off of the bridge. A Wookie yelled, somewhere above me. There was a blast of light, and Kylo took a step back, his hand pressed to his side.

Something exploded beneath my feet. I was thrown into a far wall from a blast of heat. Kylo started stumbling over to me, just as I pushed myself up, my ears ringing.

“Go to the command shuttle. Get to safety.” He commanded me, already halfway out of the doors, following the scavenger and the traitor.

“I will find you.” I promised to his retreating back. “No matter what.”

The planet shuddered. I ran for the Flight deck as fast as my legs would carry me. Just as I reached the ramp to the shuttle, the ground beneath me cracked. I scrabbled up the ramp on hands and knees, trying my hardest just to get to the pilot’s seat as the planet shook again. Alarms flashed in front of me. I flipped switch after switch, cursing when the planet shook and sent me flying into the far wall. Eventually, I got the command shuttle off of the ground and managed to get the trackers working.

The tracker chip I’d put in Kylo’s belt led me to the middle of the forest. I ran off of the ramp, my eyes scanning the trees, searching for any form of life. Eventually, I looked down.

Kylo was lying the snow, already covered in the white powder. There were blood stains seeping out from around his head and chest. I screamed and ran to him, falling to my knees beside him. I reached out a shaking hand and moved his fingers away from his face.

“Oh _Force_ \- what did they do to you?” His eyes were closed. Blood seeped from a diagonal cut that ran from the right side of his jaw to above his left eyebrow. I brushed aside a strand of blood-matted hair and moved to look at the blood on his chest, but another ground-shaking, ear-splitting noise came from behind us, reminding me of how dire the situation was.

“We have to go back.” Kylo murmured. I looked down and realized that his eyes were open and staring blankly at the sky, clouded over with pain. I slipped my arms around his cold chest and pulled as hard as I could. He was limp in my arms when I finally managed to drape his long frame over my shoulder and fight the snow for footing on the way back to the command shuttle. If he said we had to go back, then we had to go back. Quickly.

Kylo sagged against the co-pilots seat as I fiddled with the controls. We lifted off and zipped back over to the base. I was shocked to see Han Solo trudging through the snow, his arms wrapped around his chest for warmth. He waved his arms at the ship. I touched down and ran out of the ramp to him.

“How are you alive?”

“I won’t be for long if we don’t get the hell off of this planet!” He sniped, dragging me behind him up the ramp. “Did you find Ben-“His words died in his throat when we entered the control room. Kylo was slumped over, his skin icy and pale from blood loss.

“I’ll fly.” Han murmured, going to the pilots’ seat. I ripped a first-aid kit off of the wall and started working on cutting my husband’s clothes off.

Han glanced over at me every few seconds, his eyes widening when he saw the multiple lacerations and gunshot wound on his son. I used the Force to put pressure on the worst of the wounds while I cleaned the cut on his face.

Kylo’s eyes flickered open. He tried to focus on me, but when he spoke, his voice wasn’t obeying. He tried again.

“Astra-“

“I’m here, love. Just hold on.”

“I love you.” He whispered, coughing up blood. Han’s eyes darted between us.

“Please, please stay with me!” I begged, my eyes widening in horror when his eyelids drifted closed.

“…always…” He murmured. His head lolled to the side, lips slightly parted, face pale as snow.

“No- No, no no!” I yelled, banging a fist against his chest. His heart beat weakly under my fingers. I worked frantically to clean and bandage his chest and abdomen, screaming at Han the whole time to ‘Go Kriffing faster- to the Resistance!’ and ‘no you idiot, light speed!’

“You think I don’t care that my son’s dying?” He growled. I was shocked. “He told me to trust him on that blasted bridge, and I did. He saved my life back there, at the expense of his own.” His voice trailed off. My eyes darted to Kylo’s prone form.

He- how?

Shaking it off, I grabbed Kylo’s arm and draped it over my shoulders, using the Force to help me lift him up and drag him to the back of the command shuttle into a small side room that had heaters in it. I put him down on a bench and pulled off my cloak, draping it over him. Next, I set to work turning the heaters onto full blast.

“Ten minutes until D’Qar!” Han yelled from the control center.

I had ten minutes to raise Kylo’s body temperature before we entered into an uncertain fate. Once every heater was on high, I stripped down to my trainers and draped every piece of clothing over Kylo before I curled my body around as much of his as I could, my arms clutching to his chest, my front to his back. I buried my face in his neck, knowing that my time with him was very limited.

This was my good-bye.

His icy skin warmed under my touch. It wasn’t long before he let out a low moan and turned to face me, encompassing me in his shivering grip.

“I love you, so kriffing much Ben Solo.” I murmured against the freezing skin of his neck. I could feel his slight smile.

“You know that I love you too, Astra.” He whispered.

“Caru.” I murmured. “I’m done with the Dark Side.”

He let out a long breath. “So am I. No more Kylo Ren.”

I closed my eyes and just listened. His heart beat was growing steadily stronger, but it was still far too weak. The ship hummed around us. I cupped his hands in my own, bringing them against my chest to warm him up. What little space was between us was finally eliminated. It was like we were on Hoth all over again. When I looked up, his eyes were closed, but his features were still twisted with pain. The slash on his face had stopped bleeding, but blood still covered most of his chest.

The sight of his wedding band on a chain around his neck nearly made me cry. After all of this, he still wore it.

And I wasn’t going to be there for him anymore.

Too much of the Dark Side weighed too heavily on my mind. Images of all of the people I’d killed haunted me. Scenes of death and destruction chased my dreams away and left me buried in nightmares.

I had to forget. It was the only way for me to live a peaceful life.

“We’re landing.” Han yelled. I shook Kylo awake. He tried his hardest to help me as I wrapped my arms around his torso and slid him off of the bench. The ship shuddered as the loading ramp went down. I could hear yelling from outside and shuddered at the thought of what they could do to us. Our fate was in the hands of the Resistance.

Han took Kylo’s other arm, stooping to grab onto my training shirt on Kylo’s other side. The two of us managed to half-carry, half-drag my husband onto the ramp.

Jeers were what greeted us. That was, until the rebels caught sight of Han Solo.

The crowd went silent.

Rey, Finn and Poe broke through the crowd. Rey’s eyes were wide at the sight of Kylo. She’d thought he was dead. Finn looked torn between compassion and hate. Poe ran forward and took Han’s arm off of Kylo, replacing it with his own. I gave him a tired half-smile of appreciation and was rewarded with a small nod.

The three of us stopped at the base of the ramp, face-to-face with Leia Organa.

“General, please help him.” I begged. Jeers and yells of protest rose up among the crowd. Leia silenced them with a single wave of her hand. “I beg of you, just help him. I’ll do anything.”

Leia’s eyes were locked on her son who was struggling just to draw in a breath.

A tense moment passed. And another. I stared at the crowd with wide eyes, frantically searching for one compassionate face- just one. One would be enough.

Leia broke the tense silence.

“The Resistance welcomes those who seek help.” She said. Her voice echoed across the silent masses. “We will not turn you down, but only if you swear allegiance to us. Forsake the Dark Side forever.” Leia’s eyes locked on me.

“I already have.” I murmured. Leia nodded. She waved a hand, and the crowd parted. Poe and I carried Ben between us to the med bay.

I couldn’t look at the hateful faces that we passed.

Once we were in the med bay, a swarm of medics took Ben to a bed. I watched them carefully as they worked on him. There was a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Leia.

“Thank you for bringing my son back to me.” She said. I nodded, not letting myself meet her eyes. “I recorded the conversation we had, Caru.” She continued. My eyes widened. “I’ve already forgiven him. Rey told me that he’d killed Han, but obviously that wasn’t true.”

“He used the Force to make it look like-“Leia cut me off.

“He disobeyed direct orders from Snoke to save his father. That will be enough for the people. I will try my best to have him healed and integrated as a part of the resistance in our continuing fight against the First Order. However,” I dared risk a glance up. She held a pair of handcuffs in one hand. “You are still technically a prisoner of war.”

I nodded. “Of course.” Sadness crossed her eyes. I forced my gaze down to the ground. “I won’t resist you.” I whispered, sinking to my knees and bowing my head. Medics stopped to watch the scene before them. Leia’s eyes cut to the on lookers who crowded the glass doors to the med bay. I held out my arms, wrists up. Leia sighed and cuffed me. I stole one last glance at my husband’s prone form on the hospital beds before I was led out of the med bay and to a cell.

 

Poe was part of the girl’s escort. With Leia ahead of them, Poe stood to the girl’s right side, a hand on her upper arm as he walked her to the cell. She was covered in Kylo Ren’s blood. Her hair fell, unkempt, down to her mid-back, matted with more blood. She was the picture of depression. His eyes softened when he looked over at her. He understood the crowd’s hate for her, but when someone threw a rotten tomato at her, he felt they had gone too far. Her only reaction was to gaze sadly at the red fruit as it rolled away. The tomato was quickly followed by many other rotten items and pieces of trash. Curses were thrown too. Someone’s spit hit her square on the cheek. She wiped it onto her shoulder and kept walking. Poe thought he saw a tear streak down her cheek, but it could’ve been a trick of the light.

The three stopped outside of a jail cell. Poe led her in and locked her cuffs to a chain that came from the back corner of the room.

“I’m so sorry about this.” He whispered, staring up at her as she slouched against the far wall. He was crouched in front of her as he tightened the cuffs.

“It’s not your fault.” She responded. “Just do what you have to.”

His heart broke for her. Here she was, a Sith Lord who just wanted to help the Resistance, and they were treating her like garbage.

Steeling his resolve, he stood up and left her in a bare metal room, devoid of anything except a toilet and a sink.


	9. Healing what's broken, at least on the outside.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caru reveals powers that shouldn't exist in order to help Ben. She knows her time is coming to an end.   
> Poe has some seriously mixed feelings about the Sith, feelings that he just can't shake.   
> Feelings that he won't even admit to himself.

Day one of life as a prisoner came and went. By day two, I thought they’d forgotten about me. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two days, and my stomach hurt. I was curled in a tight ball in the back corner of my room when the door finally opened.

I didn’t look up.

Without Ben, my life felt like it had no purpose. I couldn’t even feel Aragon in my mind. There was something about the cell walls that cut me off from everything.

“I brought you some food.”

It was Poe. Still, I didn’t move. He set a tray of food down in front of me. I didn’t touch it. The smell of meat- because that was what dominated the middle of the plate, sickened me.

Only my husband knew that I didn’t eat meat unless I absolutely needed to.

Poe sat down in front of me, his legs crossed.

“How are you holding up?” He asked. I closed my eyes and kept still.

Minutes passed in silence. I couldn’t find it in me to move. Something deep inside had broken.

Poe sighed. “Kylo’s stable. He hasn’t woken up, but the medics are trying their hardest.”

“Ben.” I said. Poe’s eyes widened.

“What?”

“He doesn’t want to be called Kylo anymore. He told me that on the ship here.”

“O-Okay.” Poe stuttered. I glanced at him, taking an apple from the plate in front of me and curling up with my knees to my chest.

“Leia has a test prepared for you tomorrow. You are going to show what you can do, and then she’ll have you working for us.” His dark eyes took in my features. “You are going to have to earn your keep.” He said. I put the apple on my lap. He reached out and grabbed the bar that separated my wrists and tugged me forward. I let out an automatic yelp of surprise. He smirked, fingers deftly unlocking the chain from the cuffs.

“What are you doing?” I asked as he pulled me up to my feet. The apple rolled onto the ground.

“I’m taking you to get cleaned up.” He answered.

“Does Leia know about this?” He paused, back to me.

“No.” I pulled back, ripping the cuffs from his hands.

“What-“

“If Leia doesn’t know, and she hasn’t authorized me to move, then I’m staying here.”

“Damnit Caru, now’s not the time to play the perfect prisoner!”

I sat down, sending him a hard look. I needed to be perfect. Ben’s life depended on it.

“Look-“Poe started, running a hand through his hair angrily. “If I take you to see _Ben,_ will you go?”

I huffed. His offer was tempting. Instead of answering, I just stared at the wall. He growled, muttering curses under his breath, and walked over to me. Using all of his strength, he yanked me to my feet and scooped me into his arms, one hand still on the cuffs.

“What are you doing?” I growled, struggling. He made as if to drop me, and I yelped, instinctively moving closer to him.

“Don’t struggle, or I’ll drop you.” He growled. “I’m taking you to get cleaned up, and then you can see Ben.”

With his threat hanging in the air, I let the pilot carry me down long hallways to a part of the base I hadn’t seen. It was only once the door to his quarters opened that I started seriously doubting his plans. When a quick brush against his mind revealed semi-aroused thoughts, I used the Force to push out of his arms and land on the balls of my feet, two paces away from him.

“Why are we in your quarters?” I demanded. He rolled his eyes and walked into a side room, emerging with a towel that he threw at me. I caught it and stared at him.

“Go get cleaned up. The bathroom’s in there.” He jerked his thumb towards the room he’d just come from. I frowned at him.

“What do you want from me?” I asked. His eyes widened.

“Nothing!” He frowned. “Why would you think that I want something?”

“Well, I’m a prisoner. Leia doesn’t know that you came to get me, and you are the first person to give me food in two days. Not only that, but you unchained me and took me to your room. It’s obvious that you want something, Dameron.” I growled.

“Just- go get cleaned up.” Poe ran a frustrated hand down his face. I studied him for a second before deciding that it was better not to fight him on this. Instead of replying, I walked into the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. Blood matted my dark hair. My two-toned eyes were glazed over with exhaustion. I hadn’t slept in two days, too worried about Ben.

I ran the hot water and dunked my head under the faucet, struggling to wash my hair with barred handcuffs on. Once my fingers ran through it without knots, I switched the water off and squeezed out my hair before draping the towel over my shoulders and wiping off more water. I washed my face and stared in the mirror again. Dark circles framed my eyes. I looked tired and worried. There was still a spark of hope in my heart reserved for Ben, though, so I walked out of the bathroom and back into Poe’s room.

“Can I go see him now?”

Poe nodded. I could swear that there was a brief spark of _something_ in his eyes- something I couldn’t quite catch, so I ran my fingers through my hair, toweled off the water again, and threw the towel onto the back of a chair as I left the room.

The walk to the med bay was silent. Poe’s grip on my upper arm was tight as he set a fast pace through the halls. My arms were forced into the position of _awkwardness_ that was all handcuffed prisoner’s stance. One arm was bent, the other crossed over my abdomen. Luckily, no one was in the halls.

The med bay was likewise deserted- except for one bed.

“Ben!” I yanked my arm out of Poe’s grip without realizing it and darted to my husband’s side. He had been facing the other way, but at the sound of my voice, he rolled over and tried to push himself up. I put gentle pressure on his shoulder, forcing him back down. He relented with a tired sigh.

“Are you okay?” He questioned, eyes darting to the cuffs before they cut over to Poe, who gave an awkward wave from his position by the door. “Did they hurt you?”

I shook my head, reaching out to brush the fingers of one hand over the white stitches on his face.

“I’m fine. How are you feeling?”

“Better every minute.” My eyes scanned down his chest- more stitches. Bandages. Blood-soaked gauze. I looked away.

“I’ve missed you.” He whispered, so low that Poe couldn’t hear. My eyes flickered to his un-bound wrists as he lifted a hand to trace the line of my cheekbone. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch. When I opened my eyes again, a faint smile was lifting his lips.

“I missed you too. I love you.” I murmured, kissing his palm. He smiled, flinched, and settled for a small lift of his lips. My eyebrows furrowed. “Does it hurt much?” I asked. He closed his eyes. That was the only answer I needed.

I took his hand in mine and channeled as much Force-energy as I could bear into his body. My own energy was already depleted from not being able to eat, but because this could be the last time I saw him, I focused really hard.

When I opened my eyes, Poe was behind me, holding me upright.

“What did she just do-?” He exclaimed, staring at Ben’s new scar. My vision swam. Their voices were blending together. Was I going to pass out? I couldn’t be sure. Suddenly, Ben’s hands replaced Poe’s, and energy shot through my body again. My vision cleared and I smiled gratefully at him.

“The Force has the ability to heal, but only at a great expense, and never to the user. Caru is special- she’s a healer. She has the ability to transfer energy from her body to another. While all trained Force users can learn to give and take energy, only very few can heal with that energy. That’s what she just did.”

Poe’s wide eyes focused on me. I blushed and looked away. Ben always embarrassed me. I hated bragging about my abilities. Hated it. With a passion.

“That’s incredible.” He breathed. I found the balance to stand and shakily got onto Ben’s bed, curling up next to him with my head on the only unbandaged portion of his chest. Thankfully, Poe got the memo and gave us a minute. I closed my eyes. Ben’s fingers wove through my wet hair. I draped a leg over his hips, committing his warm, earthy scent to memory.

Tomorrow, I realized, was do or die time. I had to jump off of some height to make it look like I died, and then Aragon would take me back to my new home, minus the horrible memories that plagued me.

These soft moments with Ben were something I could hold on to.

“I love you.” I murmured against Ben’s warm skin. “In aeternum et semper.”

His other arm draped over my waist. I felt his warm breath fan out over the crown of my head.

“ _Forever and ever.”_ He translated. “You know that I will always love you.”

 

Poe took me back to my cell a few minutes later. I curled up in the back corner, ate the food that had been left out, and slept for the first time in two days. Nightmares haunted me, and I woke up screaming multiple times, reassuring myself every time that this was the last night I would suffer like this.

I didn’t know that Poe had spent the night with his back to my cell door, warding off the various angry rebels who wanted to hurt me. He woke up every time I did because of my screaming.

Morning came. So did two guards. They pulled me out of sleep with a harsh hand on each arm. I was yanked to my feet, still blinking away sleep. Luke Skywalker stood on the other end of the door, Rey and Finn flanking him. I was dragged behind the trio by the two guards, my tired feet struggling to keep up.

Bright sunlight blinded me as we emerged onto the tarmac of the airstrip. I stumbled and was caught by the guards. They threw me to my hands and knees in front of Luke, where I stayed, unmoving. My mind was too busy melding with Aragon’s for the first time in days to bother with my physical body.

 

Luke brushed his mind against that of the supposed Sith in front of him. What he found was shocking- and not just because of its peculiarity. He was confused by the multi-faceted thoughts and dual-eyesight, but that wasn’t what really had his mind spinning in circles.

“She’s not the enemy.” He eventually stated. “She’s not here to harm the Rebellion. Her name is Darth Astra, and she’s rebuked the Dark Side permanently.” He frowned when his mind-probe hit a sudden wall. He pushed against it. Caru staggered to her feet, pushing back against the probe. Luke pressed harder. The wall shattered. Thoughts slammed through his mind, going at such a high speed that all he could get was an impression of fear- and then the girl was running.

He wrapped the Force around his body and pushed it toward her, trying to catch a wrist, or an ankle, or something- _anything_ to get her to stop, but he couldn’t. The Force stopped just inches from her where she was controlling it as she ran. He yelled for her to stop, but she was too far away already.

Poe heard Luke’s shout. He raced into action, sprinting after Caru. He was faster than her, and managed to catch her wrist just before she went over the edge of the cliff. He yanked, hard on her arm, pulling her back to solid ground. Around them, everyone else just stared. No one had even the slightest push to help- they wanted the Sith Lord dead, not knowing that it would take a Jedi with it.

Caru’s wild, frightened eyes met Poe’s.

“Don’t do it.” Poe growled, snatching her other wrist and pulling them together. Somewhere in the mess, she’d slipped out of her cuffs.

“Take care of Ben for me.” She replied. He didn’t even have a second to react before she Force-shoved him away and fell backwards off of the cliff.

A wordless shout tore from his lips as he scrambled to the edge of the cliff, just in time to see her eyes close and her features meld into a peaceful expression before she hit the rocky ground.

Poe’s eyes widened. He’d seen other pilots fall over the edge of the cliff- Suicide heights, as it was called. Even in their X-wings, nobody had survived the drop.

Blood pooled around her body. He yelled in surprise when a green, lizard-like beast darted from the forest and sniffed Caru’s body.

“ _Get away from her!”_ He screamed. The beast fixed him in place with one gem-like eye before it let out a vicious snarl and closed a clawed hand around Caru’s midsection. It held her to its chest almost reverently in both hands, pushing off with its back legs. Poe scrabbled back as the beast jumped, massive, forest-green wings extended.

You could’ve heard a pin drop in the silence that ensued.

Every eye tracked the dragon’s progress across the sky before it disappeared into the forest on the other side of the tarmac. Poe was shocked to the bone.

A girl had just pushed out of his grip and committed suicide. Then she was grabbed by a _beast_ and flown off to _space_ _knows where_ , probably to be eaten.

He’d officially seen it all.


	10. More than what she knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben hears of Astra's suicide from his place in the med bay.   
> Caru finds out that there's more on the data pad than Astra intended. 
> 
> ~2.3.16~ sorry that this has taken so long- I'm really busy with my Sith training and don't have time for writing between homework, working out, and meditating. Not to mention food. and sleep.   
> So my point is, we are just over the first climax of this book. I'm at a point where i really want to continue, because the story may skip a few days or weeks, but what happens now is VERY important to the second (And final) climax. Plus, writing things from the perspective of two lovers who have been broken apart is the guilty pleasure of my lonely heart.   
> Thank you guys so much for reading this trash, i love reading comments so much- even if they are negative. Just don't starting bashing Adam Driver's looks. We will fight.  
> xoxo ~Kittani~

News traveled fast across the base that the prisoner had killed herself.

That’s why, when Poe Dameron showed up to the med bay to tell Ben of Caru’s last words, Ben already knew that his wife was dead- although no one knew of their relationship.

Poe stared at the former Sith’s back, his tongue aching from trying to find the right words to say.

He put his head in his hands and sighed.

“Don’t hurt yourself.” Ben muttered. “I already know.” He still hadn’t moved. A med droid came in to check his vitals and then left.

“She told me to take care of you.” Poe’s voice was soft, like he was speaking to a child. Ben knew the tone wasn’t meant for him- it was the pilot’s way of coping. “That’s the last thing she said before she- well-“Another heavy sigh escaped the man. Ben still didn’t move. He closed his eyes, focusing on not letting himself cry. His better half was gone. She’d taken most of him with her.

 

“Nnn-yeOOOOWWWW-“

Aragon chuffed out a sound that was half amusement, half ‘are you okay?’ I sent him a death glare from the bed in the far corner of my room. Damn dragon knew I was in too much pain to move, and yet all he’d done about it so far was laugh at me.

I steeled myself, braced my arms against the bed, and managed to push myself up. Aragon was suddenly there, supporting me with his massive head. I rubbed his warm scales, leaning against his healing warmth. 

Dragons and their bonded shared a healing bond that worked similarly to my Force-healing. The warmth of the fire in his belly had healing properties for me, but was poisonous to anyone who wasn’t of my blood. I’d spent the last two days curled against his belly, trapped in a tent of warm, living flesh. This bed was where he’d released my soul from his body and put it back into mine- another trick dragons could do with their bonded. This was my secret to being immortal.

Shh, don’t tell.

The thing was, although my body was already almost healed, I was still black-and-blue in unfortunate places, and the death metal band that had taken up residence behind my eyes hadn’t stopped screaming.

So what was the bright side of all of this?

My memories had been erased. I didn’t remember any of what had happened- except for the face of a man I didn’t know- dark, curly hair and a five o’clock shadow clothed in orange.

And I didn’t even have thoughts of the memories being gone.

They’d been erased.

The old version of me would’ve screamed for joy.

I just groaned. I’d hit my head pretty hard, and while it was finally, _finally_ getting better, it wasn’t fast enough. With another grumble, I got to my feet, steadying my shaky body with a hand on Aragon’s neck. The dragon kept a watchful eye on me as I limped over to the cabinets that were right outside of the door to my bedroom.

Actually, that was false. The ‘door’ was just a dirt opening that led to more dirt in the shape of a cave.

Luckily, the cabinets weren’t too bad- they were plain metal planks fused together with sealing doors and a self-sustaining heating/cooling system with three compartments- a cold section, a warm section, and a room temperature section.

I grabbed a protein bar and a glass of water (past me had installed a filtration system that cave me crystal clear, cold, fresh water from the river not that far away). Aragon helped me over to the living-room set up in the center. I kicked a new log onto the fire circle, watching as the dragon flicked his tongue over the serrated edges of his front teeth, creating a spark that instantly made the log burst into flames. He swiveled his large head around to look at me, a dragon-grin exposing rows of sharp teeth. I shook my head at his pride.

“I can’t wait until you can control fire.” I muttered, running a hand over his face. He purred in response.

_It’s not so much control as waiting for my body to produce the flammable-_

“I know, I know.” I smirked, fake-glaring at him to see his reaction. He huffed and sat back on his haunches, watching the dancing flames.

 _Do you feel up to reading?_ He eventually asked, breaking the comfortable silence that had fallen between us. I shrugged non-chalantly, my mind wandering as I stared into the heart of the fire. Aragon stretched out his back and turned back to my room, careful to tuck his tail so that he didn’t nick me with the barbed spike at the very tip. My eyes lazily traced the lines of his wings as he stuck his head and neck into my room. The house was big enough for him to grow in, past me had made sure of that. There were two entrances- one underwater for Aragon, the other no bigger than my small frame needed, hidden between the roots of the swamp-trees that composed the ceiling. The space was cozy and well thought-out. I had a self-sustaining power system that was undetectable from the outside, was fully heated and cooled according to outside temperature, (not that you needed heat on D’Qar- is was pretty much always summer) and a fully functional bathroom.

Aragon dropped a datapad on my lap. I jumped, shocked out of my thoughts.

“Thanks.” I murmured. He blinked at me, curling his long body beside the fire, eyes drifting shut as I unlocked the device and tapped on the blinking message.

 _‘I know that you are probably very confused right now. That’s okay. I’ve done a complete system wipe of your memory. And before you freak out, just know that I am you. Before you, me, whatever- before we jumped off of that cliff. I’ve kept- (I’m just going to say your) basic survival skills. You will retain the ability to fight, hack into computers and ships, use the Force, shield yourself from other Force users, and keep yourself alive. You know twenty three languages. Among those are all of the languages spoken in both the outer rim and mid rim, as well as most of those in the core worlds. You can pilot any space craft with ease, and you can fight with all current weapons, no matter how complex._ _The planet you are on is D’Qar. It is a Resistance-owned planet in the Outer Rim in the Illenium system. You will have no affiliations with any group, I have made sure of that. Try as hard as you can to avoid human contact for a few years.’_

I could’ve screamed. Could past me be any more vague? Thinking it could get more specific, I read on.

 _‘Your previous life does not matter. It has been wiped from your mind. There is a reason for that, and my judgement should not be questioned. Trust me. It’s not in your benefit to remember what has happened to you. All that matters now is that you gain balance in your life before you help the rest of the galaxy._ _Your name is Caru. You were born on Dantooine, to a Jedi woman who was fleeing from the First Order. Your mother was captured by Supreme Leader Snoke and killed. She refused to reveal your location. At the age of five, Luke Skywalker found you and trained you to be a Jedi. This is all you need to know.’_

I was wrong. I knew what the First Order and the Resistance were- and all of me completely agreed with the Resistance, but who was Snoke? Luke Skywalker? Why did the past version of myself work so hard to make me isolated? I read over those lines again- _You will have no affiliations with any group, I have made sure of that. Try as hard as you can to avoid human contact for a few years._

My fingers automatically went to the chain around my neck. I glanced down and pulled it out from under my shirt, holding up the end of it.

A ring was on the end, sparkling beautifully in the light. It was simple but elegant, composed of a silver metal that had wave-like impressions around the band and three-quarter curls that held a small, clear stone in the center. Three tiny rubies lined the inside of either curl, giving the ring the impression of movement. It was gorgeous, but I had no idea where I’d gotten it. My eyes skimmed down to a later paragraph.

_A man named Poe Dameron knows your name and what you look like. So does Leia Organa of the Rebellion. Only Organa knows that you are married to Ben._

_I cannot stress how important it is that you stay away from other people. Aragon will protect you. Others will try to harm you._

_Whatever you do, DO NOT LET THEM TAKE YOU TO THE REBEL BASE._

The last part sounded like a threat. I forced myself to ignore it and listen to what past me had written. If I told myself to stay put and avoid people, then I would. Then it hit me- _married to Ben_? Who was Ben? How did I miss that? I did a quick scan of the paragraph I’d skipped.

 _‘Previous you- (me, right now,) was (are) married to a man named Ben Solo. He’s the only thing I regret leaving. Maybe one day you’ll see him again. That day, well, I can’t promise it will exist._ ’

Suddenly the ring on my neck made sense. For some reason, I’d had to hide it. That was the only reason why it would be on my neck- unless…

I unclipped the necklace and slipped the ring off, sliding it carefully onto my left hand.

No, I’d been hiding it. The gorgeous piece fit perfectly on my hand. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I’d loved this man.

A little side note had been attached to the paragraph. I stared at the small icon for a while before I opened it.

A picture of a man was what the little file hid. I could see him from a three-quarter view from just slightly above. He had dark hair that brushed his shoulders and curled at the end. Isolated freckles speckled his handsome face. Dark eyes stared broodingly into the distance. Other than his eyes, his face was relaxed. My eyes drank in the features of a man who was a stranger, and yet so familiar. I could feel my eyebrows furrow when I traced my finger over a chain around his neck that ended in a single silver ring. I pulled back in shock when I realized that the image I’d thought to be a picture was actually a drawing. My eyes ran ever the details- his lips were slightly chapped, nose just a little crooked- although I expected that was how he looked- and I could practically trace each eyelash. His eyes held so many emotions that they looked like little galaxies. Shadows lined all of the right places, the light and dark contrasting in the image.

This was Ben. This was the man I’d married and now couldn’t remember at all.

_So now you know._

“Aragon!” I jumped, staring up at him.

_Little one._

A great, green eye fixed on my face. I looked down at the datapad, swiping left. More drawings- Ben asleep, his lips slightly parted, face relaxed. Ben sparring with a hand-to-hand training droid, his shirt off revealing a scarred torso. Ben staring up the galaxy from his back, hands behind his head, lying on the top of a snowy mountain. Ben smiling. Ben laughing. Ben smirking.

Ben.

I didn’t realize it, but tears were streaming down my face. I’d obviously loved him, and now I couldn’t remember anything about him.

He was a stranger.


	11. Medics and unwelcome surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long- I've been uber busy with school and things around the house. I don't really have much time to write these days, but i'm working on it. This book is probably my favorite to work on for the moment, so my other one won't be updated for a while- especially because the response i'm getting for IAES is so much better. 150 hits?!?!?! I love each and every one of you.   
> PLEASE keep commenting- I'll answer any questions you have, so long as they aren't about the future plot- that must remain a mystery.   
> I LOVE YOU ALL SOOOOOO MUCH  
> -Kittani

Ben was healing slowly but surely over the next week, she’d made sure of it. He hadn’t moved- or for that matter, spoken since news of the other Sith’s suicide had reached him. She wondered what their connection was that made him this clinically depressed at the girl’s death.

Shaking it off because it wasn’t her job to ask (and because he wouldn’t answer), she went back to work, took off his old bandages, and moved the healing droid over the scab left from the blaster wound- it was the only one that hadn’t healed yet. He stared straight at the wall, one arm under his head, eyes blank.

She couldn’t help but feel a twinge of empathy for the man who’d ordered her family killed.

 

Le’ora was wrapping his side up (at least, he thought that was her name). He ignored her when she asked him if he needed anything. She knew he wouldn’t speak. That was why they’d stuck his arm with a needle to keep him alive. The blasted IV dripped all. Day. Long. He was just going stir crazy when Rey slammed open the door to his room and stomped over to him. She yanked off the tape that held the needle in place and slid the piece of metal out of his vein. He watched her with a bored expression, unable to feel the pain. Once he was unhooked, she grabbed his wrist and pulled so hard that his skin burned and he fell off of the bed.

“What-“He croaked. Throat dry, he licked his lips and tried again. “What are you doing?”

Rey cocked a hip and sneered at him. “Master Luke has requested that I spar with you.” She growled out. He ducked his head and pushed to his feet, wobbling slightly on unsteady legs. His head swam. He ran a hand down his face, Rey’s eyes locked onto him, although now she was looking up instead of down. He was too tired to notice.

Her eyes strayed to his bare chest and the bandage around his midsection, softening slightly. As much as she wanted to hate him, something inside of her wouldn’t let her.

She blamed the Force.

“Okay.” He mumbled. She took a step back, shocked by his response.

“Then let’s go.” She stomped back out of the med bay, drawing the eyes of many injured pilots. Her features were quickly forgotten, however, when Ben walked out of his room. He didn’t look up. His posture was slumped, hands stuffed in the pockets of his standard-issue sweatpants. Their eyes bulged with disbelief. He kept his head down, blocking their view of his face with dark hair.

Rey set a quick pace. Each time she looked back at him, her lips turned down and she walked faster.

They reached the training section of the tarmac. Ben looked up to meet the eyes of Luke Skywalker. He was shocked to see nothing but pity in the older man’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.” He pushed the two words past the lump of emotions in his throat. Nothing else was coming out, though, no matter how hard he tried. His shoulders sagged ever further, and then he sank into a kneeling position before the Jedi Master, head bent in submission.

Luke’s eyes softened. The Force wrapped around Ben, calming him and assessing his injuries at the same time. Even though the Force was putting him at ease, Luke noted the way he flinched when the Jedi’s hand touched his shoulder.

“Stand, Ben.” Luke said, his tone kind. “We have work to do.” With that, he motioned for Rey to toss him a staff which he easily caught. Ben pushed himself up, finally meeting Luke’s eyes.

Luke knew he wasn’t searching for forgiveness. The energies around Ben told him that much. He knew that in order for the man to accept other’s forgiveness, he had to first forgive himself.

Besides, Luke didn’t know if he was ready to forgive Kylo- because that’s who’d killed the younglings, not Ben- for the images that tortured his mind at night.

At the same time, he knew that the man that stood before him was truly Ben Solo, prodigal son of the smuggler Han Solo and Princess Leia Organa- his nephew, not the stone-cold killer that was Kylo Ren.

Ben could earn his forgiveness, with time.

 

Ben took the staff from Luke. As soon as the older man was out of the way, Rey attacked. His fingers caught the button at the bottom of the staff and his eyes flickered down. It wasn’t a lightsaber- it was an adapted version of the lightsaber-deflecting weapons the Stormtroopers had often used on him.

Rey turned Luke’s lightsaber on. She smirked at the way Ben’s dark eyes widened, the glowing blue of her blade reflecting in his irises. She yelled and slashed toward his shoulder. He just managed to turn on his defensive weapon and block her attack. She beat him back, step by step, until she had him pressed against the fence.

“Fight. Back.” She growled, bearing down on the lightsaber. Her eyes caught his, her lips lifted in a snarl, his face strained. He pushed back.

Rey knew he wasn’t truly fighting her- for every offensive move she made, he simply blocked and moved away. She went harder- faster, spinning the lightsaber in her hands, body moving in fluid motions as she struck, blocked, struck, forcing him to retaliate. Her saber found any break in his defense and she slammed the hilt into his side every time she exploited the holes. When one hit landed higher than she thought it would- right into the center of his blaster wound, he cried out and fell to his knees, clutching his abdomen in pain. She pointed the tip of the lightsaber under his chin, forcing his gaze up to meet hers.

She was confused when it wasn’t panic that she found in his eyes. He was pleading with her, but not to turn the saber away. His eyes were pleading with her to end his suffering, once and for all.

The fire in her eyes died. She saw his lower lip quiver ever so slightly before he looked away from her gaze, already knowing that she wouldn’t do it.

She was breathing hard from their fight. Sweat dripped down between her shoulder blades as she turned away from him. He kept his eyes on the ground just before his knees as blood trickled from his split lip. She’d thrown him sometime during the fight. His cheek was bruised, upper lip split on the right side.

He couldn’t bring himself to care.

Rey trudged off to take a shower in her quarters.

A hand appeared before him. Hesitating, he took it, and allowed the person to help pull him to his feet.

Brown eyes met blue.

He dropped his gaze in shame. It was Luke who’d helped him up.

“I’m going to show you to your new quarters.” Luke said. Ben glanced up at him.

“Shouldn’t I be a prisoner?” He was confused. That was the treatment they’d given- no, he couldn’t bear to think about her.

Luke smiled. “No. If there’s one thing your friend helped you with, it was convincing the people that you aren’t a threat anymore.”

One of Ben’s feet caught the heel of the other. He stumbled, his mind struggling to catch up, different scenarios of how she could’ve done that dominating his thoughts.

“How?” He managed to say.

“A hologram.” Luke replied. The Jedi folded his hands into the arms of his robe. “She sent Leia a private message, which, of course, was recorded. Leia calls it your confession.”

Ben stopped in his tracks.

Luke sensed his cessation of movement and turned to face him, pulling a small data chip out of his sleeve. He took Ben’s hand and put the chip against his palm, curling his long fingers over it before the Jedi released him. Ben stared down at his closed fist. This was the only evidence that existed of his wife.

“Thank you.” He whispered, voice betraying his emotion.

“You will find a data pad in your quarters. It’s old, but it works.” Luke said, resuming their trek to his new room. It was only when he was inside the new room that he managed a small nod of thanks toward the man he’d once sworn to kill as the door slid shut between them, unlocked.

 

Poe was exhausted from his day. He’d had to help train new recruits on orders from Leia- to keep his mind off of Caru. Medics had given him a medication to help with the traumatic memory.

He slipped into his room- the last one on his hall, shocked to see that he had a new roommate.

Ben was hunched over at the table, one hand holding his head up, blank eyes staring at a hologram image of Caru and him when they were still with the First Order. He didn’t notice Poe enter the room.

Poe stared at him with the same blank expression that he was staring at the hologram. Ben had dark circles under his eyes and tearstains on his cheeks. His lips were pressed into a thin line and his shoulders were slumped in defeat. There was an air of sadness around him, so thick that it was nearly tangible.

_“Take care of Ben for me.”_

Caru’s words- her voice, echoed in the back of his mind. Her last thought had been of Ben.

Poe wondered if Caru knew that he was married.

“Ben.” He breathed, eyes still wide at the presence of the former Sith Lord.

Ben’s head shot up. He stared in surprise at Poe, who stared back. Their expressions were identical.

“Poe-“Ben gasped. “Luke didn’t tell me- I didn’t know- this is your room?”

The pilot’s features slipped into his trademark grin on reflex.

“Yeah, welcome to casa-de-Poe.” He said, practically able to watch the gears turning in Ben’s mind. “I guess Luke had an ulterior motive, huh?”

Ben nodded. He turned the projection off, cradling the small device in the palm of his hand. Poe frowned slightly. “What was that?”

The expression that crossed Ben’s face made the pilot take a step back. He’d seen that emotion before- when Leia was told Han had been killed- except this time, Caru wouldn’t come back.

“Nothing.” Ben murmured in response, refusing to meet Poe’s eyes. “Look- I’m really sorry for torturing you.” He confessed.

Poe’s eyes widened.

“Ehrm- it’s okay?” He replied, shocked. “I- I mean, it wasn’t you, it was the Storm troopers- and Caru- she made me forget about it for a while-“

“She what?” Ben asked. Poe was scared of the Force-user for a brief second before his brain went back over his tone and he realized that he was more curious than angry.

“It was after you left. She came in while I was unconscious and healed me, and then I woke up. She asked me a few questions, and then she put me to sleep, and when I woke up again, Finn was there, and I escaped.” He shrugged. “I still don’t remember much about what happened. I guess it’s better that way.”

Ben nodded, shrugged, and stared forlornly at the projector in his hand. A minute passed in awkward silence.

“I- ehrm, I’m going to go take a shower.” Poe eventually said. Ben nodded. The pilot shot one last glance at him before he disappeared into the bathroom.

When he was clean and dry, dressed in sweatpants for the night, he left the bathroom. The top bunk, which had been previously unused, now had a large, black lump in it. He paused for a minute, considering Luke’s motives for rooming the two together. Eventually he realized why; Poe was probably the only person on base who didn’t want Ben dead. Any other roommate was either dangerous or inappropriate.

With heavy thoughts in mind, Poe climbed into bed, drew the blanket over his face, and tried to tune out the soft sound of crying that came from above him.


	12. Two sides of the spectrum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I've had a busy weekend. My horse got her face impaled and needed veterinary help last night. A five-liter bag of saline, numbing shots, antibiotics, tetanus shot, three stitches, a drain tube and a whole helluvalot of gauze later, and she's back on her feet. Thankfully.  
> Poor girl's nearly 30. And still kicking.  
> Suffice to say that i'm exhausted. I was the one refilling syringes, which is a fuck ton harder than it sounds. It's like trying to lift a fifty pound weight, sideways, while simultaneously trying not to stab yourself and also avoiding the spray of blood right behind you.  
> Fun.  
> Anyway, here's a new chapter with a great description of what Aragon would look like to someone other than Caru. Because in her mind, he's a giant effing teddy bear.  
> Also, this chapter features a supremely life-changing advance to the story for those of you who can put two-and-two together and figure it out.   
> More coming soon!  
> Oh Force, please comment some more!!! it's my guilty pleasure.  
> -Kittani

Living in an underground cave was a lot more interesting that I’d thought it would be.

A month and a half in, and I’d read maybe three of the hundreds of books that lined the living room wall. I’d been too busy to read- working in the small alcove behind my room was more time-consuming. I’d built a droid with the scrap metals that the room had- it was a BB unit with three colors- a teal blue, silver, and some black.

At the moment, he was rolling around Aragon’s feet while the dragon stared down at him, amused.

I was on the couch, laughing my ass off.

 

The Trials were very hard on Ben. It didn’t take an idiot to see that.

After every one, Poe would come into their room to see him hunched over the hologram projector, replaying the message it contained. He didn’t have a doubt that he’d memorized the entire thing at that point. In the last month, there had been five trials. In each trial, Ben would have to stand before Leia Organa, Han Solo, Rey, Luke, and a few officials. They would eventually determine his sentence. Poe already knew what it was. Leia had told him after the last trial.

‘Kylo Ren is going to be sentenced to death.’ She’d said. ‘But Ben Solo will be accepted, so long as he doesn’t stray from the Light again.’

One day, a week before Ben’s final trial, Poe had an idea.

Ben was sitting at the table, like always, watching the hologram for what must’ve been the millionth time when Poe walked in, carrying two trays of food. He always brought the food to Ben because he knew all too well that the former Ren wasn’t welcome in the café. The last time had ended in disaster and a trip to the med wing.

Once the two were eating, Poe proposed his idea.

“I think you should get off base for a while. Get some clean air, you know? There’s a path through the woods that I always take- it leads to a little clearing with a pond.” Poe suggested. Ben glanced up at him.

“I guess.”

“Great!” Poe said, smiling at him. “We can go after lunch.”

Ben’s eyes widened and he almost choked. “Isn’t that- right now?”

“Uh, yeah.” Poe grinned. “Trust me, you need it.” He met Ben’s stare evenly, one eyebrow raised. After a second, Ben looked back down to his food and the two men ate in silence.

Once they were finished, Poe and Ben got dressed in their fatigues and headed out with the pilot in the lead.

The tarmac was crowded with pilots and mechanics. One x-wing was suspended in air on two jacks above a mechanic. The ship listed dangerously, but the mechanic didn’t notice. Other pilots were working with their mechanics to fix their ships or make small changes. All of them went silent and stared at Poe as he led Ben to the woods. Confusion was plain on their faces. They wanted to know why Poe was still protecting Ben.

At least things had improved slightly. While the rebels still held grudges against Ben and treated him like a diseased outcast, they weren’t violent toward him anymore. He still had a few large bruises from the first time a group of guys had caught him alone in a deserted hallway.

 

The woods were, like always, empty of other people as the two walked silently through the trees. Birds occasionally chirped, and the distant echoes of the market could be heard the further in they went, but other than that, it was peaceful.

It didn’t take long for the pair to reach Poe’s favorite spot.

Ben stared at his surroundings in shock. This place would be perfect for meditation. A small waterfall fed into a medium-sized pond with beautiful fish swimming gracefully around a flat, sun-warmed stone in the center. The pond was surrounded by lush grass and small flowers in assorted colors. There was a slight breeze that cooled the sweat on the back of his neck. He found himself moving toward the pond unconsciously, leaving Poe behind, smiling at the other man’s expression.

 _This was the happiest he’d been since the girl died,_ he thought.

Poe leaned against a tree as Ben did a Force-assisted jump to the stone in the middle. He landed on his feet, cat-like. Poe watched him sit down, facing the waterfall, long legs crossed, the backs of his hands resting on his knees. A minute passed. Ben took a few deep, even breaths and closed his eyes. Another minute and Poe noted the way the muscles just under the skin of Ben’s shoulder suddenly relaxed. The Force-sensitive took in another deep breath, releasing it slowly. The harsh lines that had started to form between his eyebrows and around his mouth relaxed. Poe wondered what he was thinking in that moment. He seemed so peaceful- free from the torment of the last month or so.

He thought Ben felt the same way he’d felt when Caru had made him sleep back on Starkiller Base.

 

Ben’s mind was blank. He rode the ebb and flow of the Force as it surrounded him, caressing his very soul like a lover, calming his emotions to a gentle tide of thought. The Force was the only thing holding him upright as it wound through every muscle, relaxing his body to the point that even his heart stopped. His soul rode the flow around him, reaching out to touch the consciousness of nature around him. Poe’s mind was a swirling expanse of colors and peace. Beyond him, he touched the minds of the rebels. Anger swelled in equal measure with joy. Somewhere deep in the infirmary, a mind went blank. A soul snuffed, like the wisps of smoke from a candle. Gone.

Further still. The glowing mass of a large creature drew his attention. The beast was calm, asleep, curled around what he could only describe as an empty void- and then a pinprick of light drew his attention.

The Force was bundled together. It was pressed, no, packed into a tiny space, probably no bigger than the very tip of a pencil. Still, the tiny fleck was so intricately wound with the Force that it baffled Ben’s understanding. He wondered what it could be- something so tiny couldn’t be a life- and yet, it seemed perfectly positioned in the black expanse of space that was blocked from him, wrapped up in the great consciousness of the massive beast that he wondered if it was something yet unborn.

 

Poe was trying his hardest to let Ben be in peace, but it was getting harder by the hour.

Yes, hour.

The sun had gone down now, and for a while, Poe had been entranced by the way the pond glowed. He could see every fish lazily making its way around Ben’s still form.

Now, he dozed off against a nearby tree, arms crossed over his chest, head lolling to the side.

Between Ben’s meditation and Poe’s exhaustion, neither noticed the dragon watching them in the tree line.

Aragon pushed his scaly snout out into the air, his sensitive nose scenting the hormones that the two males bore like a perfume. He knew neither would be aware of his presence, so he followed his snout with one large paw.

Ivory claws punctured the soil, parting blades of grass with their sharp, serrated edges. The pad of his paw created a slight dent under the weight of his body as he stepped out.

Half in and half out of the tree line, he sniffed the air again. Far away, Caru slept soundly, curled up in bed under a thick blanket with the BB unit powered down by her. Safe.

He sensed a flicker in Poe’s consciousness as the pilot let out a loud snort from his awkwardly pinched windpipe. A strand of dark hair fell into his face as he reflexively turned his head, allowing his lungs to draw in a full breath of air.

A back paw emerged from the brush. He stretched his neck and sniffed Ben’s shoulder. The deathly still man smelled like the other half of the mix that was in Caru at the moment. This was the reason why Aragon had come. This man had done something to _his_ rider that had altered her scent. He’d been able to smell the difference for at least a week now. A little over a moon cycle had passed since his girl was returned to him. During this moon cycle, her scent had changed. Aragon himself had changed, as well. He was more protective of her, just because of instincts. Something told him that she was weaker, in need of protection because of the new scent.

He slipped completely out of the forest, crouching on the bank beside the pond, watching through half-lidded eyes as the dark haired man Caru knew as Ben remained as still as a statue.

 

Poe didn’t know why he couldn’t move anything except his eyes. He could breathe, that much was certain, but beyond that, he was frozen.

And he soon knew why.

The massive, scaly, green beast from his nightmares sat not twenty feet in front of him.

A long, spiked, trident-tipped tail was curled around muscular legs and draped over deadly claws. A sinewy neck was arched, dark-as-night horns curled back from a long, green-scaled head. Gem-like green eyes blazed with inner fire from beneath a clear, third eyelid. Dark grey markings rimmed light eyes, streaking toward nostrils the shape of a horse’s. The beast’s muzzle was rounded, a three-foot long whisker extending from either side of its jaw. The skull of the beast was long and angular, probably twice the size of Poe’s torso. If he was forced to guess, he’d say the beast was the length of the tarmac from nose-to-tail, and that was saying something considering the damn thing could easily fit two hundred X-wings on a bad day.

Poe’s breathing hitched. The winged lizard twitched an ear in his direction. One great eye suddenly focused on him. Then, the beast turned his head to him.

He couldn’t remember how to breathe. The dragon’s tail uncurled and a massive paw lifted off the ground. Poe’s eyes widened the closer the beast came until his skull ached and his eyes couldn’t go any wider. His breathing stopped and then restarted, heart hammering like a jack rabbit. The green predator was close, then, so close that its breath fanned over Poe’s chest, warm and smelling of fire.

His mind was suddenly enveloped.

_I am not here to harm you, young one._

A voice echoed in Poe’s mind. He squeezed his eyes shut and begged the Force for a quick death.

A deep, vibrating sound echoed among the trees. It took a second, but Poe realized the beast was laughing.

At him, no doubt.

I am not here for you. The voice whispered again. It was deep and alluring, smooth and rich. Something about it made his heart stop speeding and his breathing even out despite the fact that the tip of the beasts’ muzzle was touching the tip of his nose.

_My name is Aragon. I am not the beast you think I am._

And somehow, Poe believed him.

Him, because now there was no denying that the dragon was male. His voice was enough to tell.

Poe’s eyes opened. Pearly fangs hovered mere inches from his face.

Then, _Darth Astra is dead. You would do well to forget her existence._

He couldn’t nod, in spite of the fact that the dragon had released him from paralysis.

Not with those teeth still so close. Razor-sharp. Intimidating. Ready to cut him open and gut him like he’d gut so many TIE fighters before. And with the same ease. The same skill.

He shuddered.

Massive wings unfurled from the dragon’s back. Poe’s eyes traced each finger- four in each wing, the membrane pulled taut over and around them as the dragon stretched.

Wings that were easily three times the dragon’s length suddenly drove toward the ground. Once. Twice. Poe was flattened against the tree behind him, hair whipping wildly in the heavy gusts that followed each down stroke.

Three times. Four.

The dragon was gone, nothing more than a speck on the horizon and an intimidating memory in the mind of a pilot.

And somehow, Ben hadn’t moved.


	13. Leia Organa's maternal instinct

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just an extra little bit i thought i would upload to take the edge off of the last chapter. A tender moment between Leia and Ben- that is, he doesn't really know it, but she does.   
> Anyway, enjoy, and please leave your thoughts in a comment, good or bad i don't care.   
> I promise not to bite.  
> -Kittani

The next morning, Leia herself went looking for Poe and Ben. She held a small tracker in one hand- it was wired to find the little tracking bead she’d put in Ben’s arm when he was out _just in case_. Turns out, this was that ‘case’. She’d thought that maybe Ben had gone insane and lured Poe out to the woods to kill him. That’s why, when she broke into the clearing and saw Poe lying on his side against a tree, she’d expected the worst.

“Poe!” She yelled, kneeling in front of him, her hands cupping his cheeks. Her fingers found a pulse and she breathed out in relief.

“Wha-What? Ugg, it’s too bright-“Poe’s eyes locked onto Leia’s worried face. He shot upright. “Leia? What happened? Are you alright?”

Leia grinned. “Of course, I’m alright. I thought the worst when I saw you lying there. Where have you been?” She glanced over her shoulder at Ben, who was still seated on the rock in the middle of the pond.

“I told Ben that he needed some fresh air, so we went out here. I showed him this place- it’s my secret hide out.” He shot a wink at Leia, who rolled her eyes and stood up, brushing off the knees of her uniform. “He gravitated toward that spot and just sat down. He hasn’t moved since. It’s kindof creepy.”

“He’s meditating.” Leia stated. “It’s something Luke used to do a lot. Only an explosion would snap him out of it unless he wants to move.”

Poe frowned. “So what do we do?”

“I’ll set up a hologram projector around here to keep an eye on him. For now, you need to go get some food. I’ll meet you back on base.”

“What about him? Shouldn’t he eat?” Poe questioned, motioning to Ben.

Leia shook her head. “The Force will sustain his body while he meditates. He doesn’t need anything when he’s like that.”

Poe’s eyes widened.

“That’s some creepy shit.” He muttered under his breath. Of course, All-knowing Leia Organa heard him and sent him a quick glare. She all but pushed him out of the clearing.

“Go on, get some food and rest. That’s an order, Dameron.”

“Yes ma’am.” He conceded, sending mother and son one last, parting glance before he started the trek back to the base on an empty stomach.

 

Leia breathed out a sigh of relief once Poe left. This was the first time she’d been alone with her son since before he was sent away to Luke.

Her eyes softened. She almost couldn’t look at him, he’d changed so much. The man that came back to her wasn’t the boy that had left. This man had blood on his hands. He was broken, war-torn and devastated. He’d been manipulated by Snoke, crushed by the Dark Side and obliterated by those around him.

He’d been poisoned by the Dark.

She hoped this meditation would help him get rid of that poison.

She hoped.

While her hands were busy with the hologram projector, her mind wandered. She didn’t know if she could reach him- the stone he sat on was too far for her old legs to jump, and the water was too deep. She couldn’t swim.

She’d settle for a hug once he’d returned to the land of the conscious.

Once the projector was set up and pointed at her son, she took the small tracker that had led her there and picked up her bag- she’d packed a blaster, the projector (because it had been part of her datapad, she’d just put it in the mix) and some food. She watched her son for another minute, her eyes taking in every detail of the face she knew but yet didn’t.

Ben’s back. For good, her soul whispered.

She knew it was right. Her Ben, her son was back with her. And he wouldn’t stray again.


	14. Journals that don't reveal and insights that don't make sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is kindof short, but it's also got alot to analyze... Idk.   
> What do you guys want? Longer chapters with more time inbetween that stick to one character, or shortish parts on each character that are updated regularly?  
> Thoughts are welcome...  
> I'm on the east coast, so i may have a snow day tomorrow, which means time to paint my black soul onto this laptop screen. I think you guys are going to hate me for what happens next.  
> Anyway, 200 reads!!! I'm going to explode with happiness!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU GUYS!!!!!!!  
> Please comment some more!!!! I'll reply to every single one, i promise. It really makes me so happy to see you guys be active.   
> -Kittani

Han was occupied in the cafeteria when Leia returned. She leaned against the door frame, watching the smuggler talk and laugh with a group of pilots that had swarmed his table. Her lips twitched upwards in (begrudging) amusement when he choked on a piece of food. Poe smacked his back a few times to help him out. He sent a grateful glance to the man while simultaneously glaring daggers at the men who laughed at him.

“General.” A rebel passed her, nodding respectfully. She smiled back at him, her eyes never straying from her husband. He slid down the seat from where he’d been- positioned carefully on the very top of the bench, and disappeared into the mayhem that was his table. Leia walked over to the line and picked up a tray just like everyone else, refusing any who offered to let her go in front of them, a small smile still gracing her lips.

She spent the rest of her lunch break laughing with the pilots at another of Han’s stories, not bothering to correct him when he exaggerated some aspects.

 

 

A moan passed my lips as I wiped my chin with a towel.

What had I eaten that had my stomach doing flips this early in the morning? I groaned and leaned over the toilet bowl again, my dinner making a re-entry.

“Ugh, fuck!”

Aragon was behind me then, his green eyes focused on my shaking form.

_Little one?_

_I’m alright. I think._

He pressed his snout against my back and huffed out a warm puff of air. I wiped my mouth again, flushed the toilet, and put a hand on his nose. He helped me get to my feet. I washed my face in the sink before I leaned against his shoulder on the way to the kitchen for food.

I ate with one hand pressed against my lower abdomen, angrily wiping away tears that threatened to leak. Why was I being so weird? I picked up the data pad from its customary spot on the couch and scrolled through the journal entries, finally finding the last one I’d read.

I scrolled past it. Most of the journal so far was very well picked-over. There weren’t any clues for me there- just a run-down of what ways my previous mentor had made me do that day. I still couldn’t remember anything more, but I figured the old me wanted it that way.

When I reached the first chapter that had sketches on it, I paused. This was the one where I’d written about meeting Ben. My journal was very vague about him, too. Sure, there were little things, like how many freckles he had, or what scars I’d known about, but I was still in the dark about his personality, and for me to run away from him and everything I had without the option of looking back, I knew I must’ve been desperate.

Nobody just ran away from their spouse for no good reason.

 _He loved you, and you loved him,_ Aragon’s voice reassured me. He created a small puff of flame that ignited the logs in the fire pit. The fire caught quickly, spreading a warm orange-ish glow over everything, including his scales. The effect of fire on scales was a disco-ball show- the entirety of the roof lit up in brilliant, rainbow colors. Aragon snorted at my amusement, glad that he was able to make my thoughts stray. Eventually, when my eyes strayed back to the datapad, I started reading.

My fingers skimmed over a sketch of Ben enduring Force-training blindfolded and bare chested, a round training droid firing at him.

_Ben is progressing well. Master sent us on our first mission yesterday- it was just a-----_

The paragraph cut off. At this point, I was used to that. These entries skipped a lot more the closer to today I got. This one had been from almost ten years before.

_He showed me his favorite spot; it’s on the roof, above his quarters and has a view of the whole galaxy. We spent the night there. I don’t think he’s aware of my feelings for him. I’ve blocked them well enough, and I can’t sense his thoughts when he looks at me. It’s frustrating._

_Last night, when he’d noticed me shivering though, instead of poking a jab at me that--------he just slid an arm around my shoulders and pulled me against his chest. He was warm, and I wasn’t exactly complaining. I think I fell asleep like that, because when I woke up, I was on his bed and he was on the couch._

_Master lets us get close. He always says that-------_

_Ben’s been the best thing about this whole ordeal. He’s sweet and listens to me when I vent to him about how unfair------ and I listen to him in return. Sometimes he gets- but I’m always there and he doesn’t------ as much as he used to. I’m a bit worried about those---- though._

_Does that as*hole know how much I like him? Force, he’s difficult to read. I can’t think too much into it, because if I do, then it could break my heart. Besides, --------_

I skipped to the next entry. More wondering, more skipped sentences, more blanks that I couldn’t fill in.

Another twinge in my stomach. Another ache in my back. I read on.

The day Ben took old me out to a field for a picnic. He confessed that he liked me that day- he was fifteen and I was thirteen.

A month later, he’d asked me to be his girlfriend. There was something in that entry about how ‘Master didn’t know. He couldn’t find out.’

There was a lot of shared moments and cuddling after that. Nearly every entry was stuffed full of teenage gushing love for Ben. It almost made me puke.

Had I really gone over all of this, editing out the things I didn’t want my memory-wiped mind to know? Why did I erase the memories of Ben, only to leave the journal entries and the sketches?

What the hell? I knew that the entries would create an intense longing in my heart for this man I didn’t know. I knew that I would never have a chance with him again- at love again, and yet I’d decided to torture myself?

So many questions and still no answers.

_Seventeen years. I missed a cycle last month. Ben freaked. I’m going to get surgery on Coruscant to prevent any more pregnancy scares. It’s not like we’re that bad- just the occasional tryst on special days. Still, Master can’t know._

There aren’t any more entries for another year. Finally, I find one.

_Nineteen years. I don’t know how much longer I can----------. It’s getting harder and harder to resist------------. I still don’t know Ben’s feelings on--------. What did it feel like for him to-----------? Was it hard, leaving----------? Does he still--------? Does he have these ---------- like I do? Whenever I wake up, he’s there. He always knows what to say. Maybe he has them too._

_Master is working us to the brink of exhaustion. He’s got massive ideas that I fear I will never fulfill. Ben might, though. He’s strong where I’m weak. He’s smart enough, fast enough… I’m never going to live up to be as great of a ------ as he is._

I turned off the datapad and threw it aside. It had been two full months since I’d woken up in this place.

Somehow, I was starting to get fat. Maybe that was why I was throwing up every morning. Aragon was acting strange too. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night because he was sniffing my stomach, or something equally as weird. Other times, he’d sit stock still while I meditated on a stone in the center of this pond I’d found. He wouldn’t move except for his ears and nose.

No matter how much I pestered him, whenever I was outside of my home, he would wrap himself around me- especially when I meditated. He’d sit behind me, my body nestled in the curve of his abdomen, caged in by his front legs and blocked on either side by his back legs. He would then wrap his long tail over his front paws and extend his wings to cocoon me into a warm, green-tinted cave. Every now and then, he’d let out a loud, menacing growl that I was barely aware of through the meditation. My mind would be focused on the Force, not on my physical surroundings. This was only possible because of my guardian dragon.

Other times, we would near the pond and Aragon would suddenly go rigid before he turned around. On those times, I wasn’t allowed out for at least a week. He’d snap at me if I tried while refusing to answer any of my questions, no matter how hard I pressed.

Luckily, today wasn’t one of those days. Aragon lifted me onto his back as I headed to the pond. I draped my arms over his neck as he walked, his wings raised to shield me from view. This was something I’d given up on fighting him over. He was paranoid. Period. There wasn’t anyone out here to see me.

When we reached the pond, he crouched on the stone in the middle while I slid off. His wing tip brushed my shoulder in a comforting reassurance- probably more for him than for me. I sat down in my customary spot and crossed my legs, sinking into the peace inside of me and letting my soul fly free with the Force.


	15. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO SORRY GUYS

Ben wasn’t feeling too good. He staggered through the halls of the rebel base, head swimming, vision blinking in and out. There was a group of guys gathered at the other end of the deserted pathway- all staring at him, laughing and shouting. It was nearing midnight. No one was awake except for the men who’d poisoned his food earlier and waited for him.

They had been patient. Ben had been living on the base for two months at that point, his wounds from the battle on Starkiller Base healed. He had been cleared to live peacefully among the rebels- Kylo Ren was dead. Ben Solo was alive.

But still, these men hated him. He needed to pay for what he’d done. And they were going to make him.

One man grabbed the collar of his shirt and threw him into the opposite wall. The back of his head smacked painfully against metal, sending black spots scattering over his field of vision. A fist connected with his stomach. He doubled over, wheezing for breath. Someone pushed him sideways and he fell, his skull banging onto the metal floor. There was a sharp kick to his stomach followed by a loud crack as three of his ribs broke. He yelled, voice breaking half way through. Another kick shattered another rib. He coughed up blood.

A foot came down on his forearm, shattering the two fragile bones hidden within. A hand tore at the chain around his neck. He watched through blurred vision as course, blood-coated fingers touched the silver ring on the end of the chain before there was a tug at the back of his neck and the chain broke. He let out a pitiful cry of protest. A sneering face appeared before him before pain exploded across the right side of his face. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t beg for help. He was weak in that moment, utterly exposed to the harsh beating. There was nothing he could do. There was no one to help him.

Someone kicked his head. He found it suddenly very hard to breathe as one rib punctured his lung. Darkness crept into his vision. The Force cradled him, drawing his soul from his body in an attempt to shield him from the pain. It whispered to him to fight back, show them his real power- the power of Kylo Ren. Still, he refused. He curled in on himself, trying to protect what little of his body wasn’t battered and broken, trying to avoid the blade that appeared by his face, the tip of it tracing over his scar.

Searing pain- worse than his ribs and worse than his aching skull lanced through his body from the blade in his side. It retracted and then came again, harder, drawing more blood.

There was a yell, just as his vision went black.

 

Rey turned the hall only to stumble across a horrible scene.

There was a crowd of men at the other end of the hall, moving and writhing around a prone form on the ground. Blood soaked the ground. Vicious yells permeated the air. She could barely make out several horrible words.

She ran towards the mess. Nobody budged when she pushed against the very outer men. Frustrated, she drew upon the Force and shoved the violent mob _away_ \- into the far walls where they collapsed to the ground, unmoving.

Ben lay on the ground before her, his eyes closed, blood flowing from stab wounds on his side, his chest crumpled in on itself, face covered in bruises and lacerations. She hardly recognized him. If it hadn’t been for the nasty scar on his face, she wouldn’t’ve.

His body was battered and broken. If someone had told her three months ago that Kylo Freaking Ren would’ve been lying before her, his life in her hands, she would’ve laughed.

But yet, here he was, wheezing for breath even in unconsciousness.

She was afraid to touch him for fear of further injuring his fragile form. Instead, she focused on the Force, coercing it to find the least injured parts of his body and lift him into the air. The Force wove itself into his muscles, finding every break, every slashed organ, every injury. It pressed in, keeping his broken body together, fighting his exhausted heart for every beat. She rushed him to the med bay. Several med droids raced over. She put him gently down onto a cot as medics swarmed him.

Rey sat down a few feet away, giving the medics space for their work. She focused on the Force again, meditating to find his soul and bring it back to him.

When she did find the poor, withered mess, emotions flooded her. She couldn’t find it in her to hate him anymore. His soul begged her to just let him go- to kill him. She felt his desperation, his constant struggle with himself to keep living every day in a place where everyone hated him and everything had fallen apart. She realized with a start that the girl who’d killed herself was his wife, and that he didn’t want to live without her.

It took a huge amount of energy to force his soul back into his body. Even when it settled back into the broken form, Rey had to fight to keep it from further damaging her careful work. The medics were frantic- one of them held his heart in her hands, gently squeezing to keep it beating. Another forced air into his lungs while a third removed the piece of bone that had punctured it. Blood was gushing from his body at inhuman rates. He’d already been infused with five bags. There was a brace on his neck, padding beneath his head. Med droids buzzed over his face, repairing damaged skin with new cells.

Guilt ran rampant through Rey. She’d been one of the people who made him feel like this. She’d been harassing him, unwilling to forgive and forget. Even Poe had forgiven him. And yet she couldn’t. So she focused on keeping his soul inside of him- until something much stronger than her ripped him from her grasp just seconds before the medics lost him.


	16. Agony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm STILL SO SORRY

Ben’s soul was floating along with the Force. He felt a presence near him- a presence he recognized.

And that was how he knew he was dead.

Caru’s spirit enveloped him, cradling him in her arms, his head against her chest, his brokenness being made whole in her embrace. His soul was crying. Never ending tears streaked down his face, collected under his chin and dripped onto Caru’s clothes. Her spirit didn’t care. She just held him tighter.

He lost himself to her embrace. Under his fingers, her soft skin warmed to his touch. He pulled her closer, closer, until their two souls became one.

If this was the afterlife, then he never wanted to leave.

“It’s not your time.” Caru whispered in his ear, her warm breath tickling him. He refused to let go. She put a gentle hand on his shoulder and released him, pushing him toward a blindingly bright light. He reached out to her. She shook her head, a small smile gracing her lips.

 

The light was all he could see. He was drifting again, before he finally settled into a body that ached- steadily ached. Everything hurt. He longed for Caru’s warm embrace, the feeling of peace that had been his for such a short time. He didn’t want this. If he could move, he would’ve ripped out the IV and let his body die. He wanted so badly to be back with his love.

 

Rey sat beside Ben’s still form. There were bandages covering nearly every inch of his body, making him look like a mummy. The medics had done their best, under her careful eye, to replace all of his broken parts with new, healthy tissue. Even now, the new cells bonded to his body, becoming a part of him and multiplying to fill in the swiss cheese-like holes that covered him. She’d refused to let them use robotics- he would’ve been mostly machine then.

An air mask covered his nose and mouth, breathing for him. He was hooked up to quite a few machines that each had a different job.

Rey’s fingers slid through his. His hand was cold to the touch. He was as still as death.

The door to his private chambers opened. Rey turned when she heard a quiet gasp followed by a whimper of pain. Leia stood, half bent over, one hand covering her mouth, the other on her heart, her eyes locked on the still form of her son.

“Ben.” She cried, taking a stumbling step forward. Rey shot up and caught her arm, guiding her to his bed side. She reached out tentative fingers to his face, brushing along the line of his jaw. He didn’t react.

“What happened?” She whimpered.

“He was attacked by several men. They ganged up on him and beat him within an inch of life. I showed up and used the Force to shove them away, but by then I was almost too late. He was comatose. The medics did their best, but he crashed six times during the restorative procedures.”

Leia let out another whimper. She sat down where Rey hand been, her hand clenched around Bens.

“Is he going to survive?”

Rey bit her lip.

“I don’t know.”

Leia let out a sob. She bent over, kissed her son’s hand, and leaned her head gently on his chest.

 

It took a while, but eventually Leia turned back to Rey, her two hands firmly clasped around one of Bens.

“Where are the men who did this to him?” She demanded, a fire blazing in her eyes.

Without pause, Rey answered. “They are all rotting in isolation cells for now. I made sure of that.”

“I want them to appear in court- tomorrow. They will pay for this.”

“He didn’t fight back.” Rey mentioned. “I saw the tapes. He let them beat him without so much as raising a hand to stop them.”

Tears pooled at the edges of Leia’s vision again. The door to the private room slid open. Both women looked up to see Poe’s eyes locked on his roommate. He held a thin metal chain in one hand.

“Ben?” He whispered, shocked. His eyes drifted to Rey. “I heard he got roughed up, but I had no idea it was this bad.” The pilot extended his hand to the scavenger. “I found this in the hall way. It’s his- someone must’ve ripped it off of him.”

Rey took the chain carefully between two fingers, her eyes widening when she realized what it was.

His wedding band.


	17. Dragon's fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Third? update for today. This one is a bit more happy at the end. Kindof bittersweet, i guess. I love it anyway.   
> Please keep it up with the comments. I love seeing them, and they make me want to write more. I love feedback. So much.   
> -Kittani

Rey was there, three months later, when Ben woke up from his coma. He was weak, but his body was healed. The best doctors in the galaxy had been called in as per Leia’s request, and now he was left with no scars, just fresh skin. All of the bandages had been removed for quite some time at that point, leaving the last steps of recovery up to him.

Caru’s name was the first thing he’d said.

It nearly broke Rey’s heart. She’d felt his soul before- back when she was trying to keep him alive- and she understood he depth of his emotions for the girl.

“Ben?” His dark eyes drifted over to her. She offered him a weak smile and squeezed his hand. “Do you need anything?”

“Water?” He asked, voice hoarse from disuse. She nodded and shot up to get him a drink.

She had to help him sit up to drink it. His body was warm, she realized. After all that time.

“How do you feel?” She murmured once he was able to speak without his throat cracking.

“Sore.” He muttered. “Tired.” He met her gaze. “How long has it been?”

Rey had to look away.

“Three months.”

 

 

I couldn’t deny it any more.

The morning sickness. The headaches. The back pain.

The baby bump.

I’m pregnant.

And I can’t remember anything about the father.

Aragon was there for me, at least. He kept me sane through bouts of sickness, through cranky days and through the times I’d just break down and cry for no apparent reason. It was hard, but there was something inside of me that loved it. I loved the little human growing inside of me already and every day I just loved it more. There was no way to tell the gender, but I couldn’t care less. This was my child. I was going to be a mother.

 _How long have you known?_ I asked Aragon one day while I was curled up next to him, my hands resting on my stomach.

 _Five months._ He replied, warm breath fanning over my hair. His tail curled around my body and his wing draped over my side.

_And you didn’t tell me?_

_Tell you that you have something growing inside of you? Yeah right._ He snorted. I rolled my eyes at him. He fixed me with his gem-like stare. _I love you, little one._ He whispered in my mind. His nose touched my stomach. _And the little, little one._

I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

 

The next morning, my sickness had let up. I rolled out of bed and waddled over to the door, ignoring Aragon’s grunt of protest. There was a long strip of cloth tacked next to the door frame. I took it down and wrapped it around my belly, marking it with a new line where it met the end. This was my routine. Every seven days, I would measure the progress of my pregnancy with this cloth. The bigger my baby bump, the longer the length between the end of the cloth and the line.

I made myself breakfast. Chocolate and bananas on raisin bread, because why not? Aragon left to hunt while I sat plopped down on the couch with the datapad, as had become my custom. I’d nearly caught up to the last journal entry. There were even more drawings of Ben. I’d tried my hardest to remember him, but all I got were flashes- images of his face, or a smile, or bright skies and a warm embrace. None of my other memories came back. I imagined that if something had the power to take me from Ben, then I didn’t want to know.

 

Aragon was getting worried. Ben was nowhere. He didn’t come to meditate, he wasn’t trudging around the woods, and when Aragon finally snapped and flew laps over the tarmac, Ben wasn’t there either.

He didn’t want the father of his rider’s child to be dead.

So that’s why he’d told Caru that he was going out to hunt the second he felt Poe’s mind enter the woods.

 

Poe had too many thoughts running through his mind. He’d watched Ben meditate plenty of times before the incident, so he’d decided to try it. He figured it would be easy enough. Sit down and let his mind wander? ~~He did that during plenty of meetings.~~ So how hard could it be?

He’d just taken his first step into the clearing when glistening white teeth and an angry growl stopped him in his tracks.

There was a presence in his mind. Even the non-Force user could tell that much.

 _Where is he?_ The dragon’s deep voice boomed, echoing around in Poe’s skull.

“Who?” He asked out loud, his voice no more than a quiet whimper.

_Damnit Poe, breathe!_

_You know who._ Aragon growled, lips curling back to expose more of his teeth. Poe’s eyes widened at the sight. _The Force-user. The tall one. Ben._

“Why-“

_Don’t question me, just answer!_

Poe bit his tongue. Impatient, the dragon forced himself into the pilot’s brain, willing to take the answers if need be.

He was angry.

Poe stumbled backwards as flames spouted from between the dragon’s jaws. There was an ear-splitting growl and he was thrown backwards by two angry flaps of the beasts’ wings.

He watched the dragon leave in stunned silence. It took a minute for his brain to process that the giant fire-breathing lizard was headed to the base.

He’d never run so fast in his life.

 

 

Pilots and mechanics ran through the halls, away from the tarmac, screaming for their lives. She pushed past them, the scavenger in her warring with the Jedi- part of her wanted to run, because if something could scare that many battle-hardened rebels, then something was very, _very_ wrong.

On the other hand, she was curious.

Against all reason, the curious part of her gained control of her legs and arms and made her move toward the double doors, headed for the danger instead of away. She pushed past people, making slow but steady progress.

Bright light blinded her. She put a hand up to shield her eyes, blinking as her vision cleared. The last few stragglers ran clear past her into the relative safety of the base.

Then, she saw what had them all running in fear.

A massive, winged, fire-spitting beast.

Somehow, it had dug up sixteen holding cells- the isolation units, Rey realized with a start.

The units that contained the men who had nearly beaten Ben to death.

And the dragon tore into the first one. There was a scream from inside before the beast clamped his jaws on the man, shaking his head viciously. Rey couldn’t tear her eyes away from the scene. Blood sprayed from between pearly white teeth. The body was sent flying through the air, only to crash against the metal of the base and slump to the ground, still bleeding.

She was horrified, and yet some part of her had to admit that those men had it coming, even as the dragon ripped into the second unit.

Another man dead. The third one came next. The dragon’s claws rent the cell in half. There was a flash of light and fire poured from the beast’s maw, igniting the man, who ran screaming from the scene. He collapsed, convulsing on the ground, body burning from the inside out.

Rey turned and puked.

Her feet were rooted to the ground as she bore witness to sixteen very different deaths.

As the head of the last man rolled to a stop beside his reproductive organs by her feet, the dragon’s crystal gaze fell on her form. She was shaking. Her eyes were wide, and the mantra of _not today, not today, not today_ was on constant repeat in her mind.

One massive paw lifted and fell with the sharp _click_ of claws on tar. The dragon slipped toward her, body long and lithe, tail whipping from side to side, wings raised in anger. Its lips curled, exposing blood-covered teeth and a rippling growl shook the very air. Furious green eyes froze her feet to the heat of the airstrip. She shook in place, unable to move any more than a centimeter in any direction.

Flames drifted into the air from nostrils that expanded and contracted with every breath, sending smoke in her direction; smoke that clogged her airways and had her retching again from the stench of burnt flesh and sulfur.

A voice overpowered her thoughts and drove all rational ideas from her brain, leaving her in shattered pieces, the only remnant of the beast’s anger.

 _Is he alive?_ The dragon demanded.

She knew who _exactly_ he was talking about- his tone left no room for error. She stared at the blood that dripped from his lips, her own lips quivering as she attempted to force the word past vocal cords that were frozen and a tongue that felt thick and heavy.

 _Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes_ , her mind supplied.

The dragon blew out a breath. Her eyes closed as smoke rushed past her eyelids. She held a breath in, shocked into silence. When was he going to kill her? How was she going to die? Following one of those other sixteen? Or would he come up with something different? Something more violent?

“Aragon.”

The voice came from behind her.

_Run. Run, run, run, run._

The dragon’s head snapped up. Blood dripped onto the top of Rey’s head. She flinched, but couldn’t make another move.

A voice echoed across her mind again.

 _Ben._ This time, the voice was calm, peaceful even. It held warmth in it that shouldn’t be present after the cold-blooded _murder_ of sixteen ~~people~~ \- _criminals._

She shuddered. Ben appeared beside her. The dragon’s head moved down to his height, his teeth hidden once again.

“Release the girl.” Ben demanded, his voice uncharacteristically soft. “She was the one who saved me.”

One green eye fixed on Rey’s trembling form.

_My thanks, youngling._

Rey gulped back her fear. The second she could move her feet, she ran back to the double doors, nearly falling multiple times.

Ben reached out a hand to the dragon. He placed his nose against Ben’s palm, his eyes closing.

“Why are you here?” Ben murmured into the space between them. There was a thud as Aragon dropped his haunches onto the warm tarmac. His wings relaxed, tail curled over his front paws, nose still pressed against Ben’s palm.

Neither of them was conscious of Poe, standing on the very edge of the tarmac, scared out of his skin but yet unable to move, just like Rey had been.

 _I was worried about you._ The dragon conceded. _You weren’t around. I couldn’t feel your presence._

“I was in a coma.” Ben said.

 _You are sad._ Aragon murmured. His eyes opened as he stared into Ben’s dark eyes.

“I miss her.” Ben confessed, averting his gaze. Images flew across his vision.

Caru’s gorgeous bi-colored eyes; one a light blue and the other a hazel, crinkled at the edges as she grinned broadly at Aragon. Her smile, her lips- those same lips that drove him insane in public. She was happy in that memory. She laughed, and it was music to his ears.

Caru, tucking a strand of black hair behind her ear, shyly avoiding Aragon’s eyes, a light blush coating her cheeks and her lips turned up, reluctantly, at the corners.

Caru, sleeping. Her soft lips parted, breathing smooth and even, strands of wavy hair falling into her face, her eyelashes fluttering gently against her cheeks.

Caru, her arms wrapped around one of Aragon’s front legs as he looked down at the top of her head.

Caru, lying on a grassy field, staring up at the stars.

His knees went weak. Tears ran thick, dripping from his face to the tarmac beneath him. Aragon’s nose was still pressed to his palm, even as he turned his head away.

Caru’s soft voice, whispering calming words to him. _My love, be strong._ He let out a quiet gasp. He remembered that time- so long ago. He was seventeen again, holding Caru’s fifteen-year-old body in his arms, his chest aching from Snoke’s call. He had been torn between the light and the dark. Do what your heart tells you. In the end, everything will be alright.

He’d buried his face in the crook of her neck then, breathed in the scent that was uniquely Caru, and she’d calmed him. Her fingers had run through his hair, massaging his scalp.

He pulled away from Aragon, both hands on his face as he tried to steady his breathing. The dragon bent his head over Ben, tugging him gently against his belly, where the fire inside of him seeped into his bones, warming him from the inside out and healing the last traces of the beating he’d received.

 _It’s okay to let go._ Aragon murmured against Ben’s mind. _She would want you to be happy._


	18. Mess. Mistakes and a giant mess.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been so busy. Between my horse- she needed thirteen stitches and lost alot of blood, and my new room- we had to paint and move my furniture (my old room wasn't any bigger than a cubicle), i haven't had time to write, or post.  
> I'm so sorry for the next chapter. It nearly killed me to write. Oh man, i'm a horrible person.  
> -Kittani

Nobody dared to tell a _dragon_ that he had to move. As clean-up began on the tarmac, Aragon remained curled around Ben.

Night fell. Ships came and went around the pair. It was only once Caru’s mind brushed Aragon’s, questioning why he’d taken so long that he uncurled, woke Ben up, and sent him on his way to bed- where Poe was waiting, demanding an explanation as to why the hell he’d just spent the last twelve hours curled up with a dragon.

Hunting was easy. Aragon finished off three mutated rabbits easily- he’d found their den. He returned to Caru then, once his teeth were clean of blood. She was already in a fitful sleep, but when he curled his body around her, her fists relaxed and she sank into a deep, dreamless sleep.

He checked on the heartbeat of her baby, making sure that he would be born safely. Four months, he sensed, was the time it would take for the child to emerge into the world. Four months to prepare his rider for motherhood- something he knew nothing about.

 

Morning came. Ben had slept better than he had in quite a while. His body was healed, thanks to Aragon and the medics. He had fresh images of Caru bouncing around his head, and word had spread of the dragon’s revenge on the sixteen who had attacked him three months ago. Poe was watching him with a weird look in his eye as he entered the cafeteria for the first time in five months.

Nobody dared throw a jab at him. Between Leia’s stern (to say the least) words and Aragon’s looming threat, he had a feeling that the incident wouldn’t be recurring. It was a good feeling.

He sat down with Rey and Finn, who had finally come to terms with his new allegiance and, although reluctantly, had allowed his presence in their trio- which was now a quartet.

Poe sat down next to Finn while Rey was beside Ben, opposite the two. It didn’t go unnoticed by either Rey or Ben when Poe’s shoulder moved slightly toward Finn, his hand on the ex-stormtrooper’s thigh under the table. Finn’s slight blush was their second indicator. Rey raised her eyebrows at Ben, who smirked back, darting his eyes between the two. Rey laughed, covering it with a cough when Poe shot a glare at her. Ben held his hands up in surrender when the pilot’s icy glare turned on him. Finn nervously shoved a forkful of food into his mouth, head ducked to avoid attention.

Ben smirked. If this was how life was going to be, then he could deal with it. Caru was gone, and she wasn’t coming back. That didn’t mean that he couldn’t remember her how she was.

He was going to be happy, because that’s what she would’ve wanted.

 

 

 

The next day brought an entirely unwelcome surprise.

Ben was taking a leisurely stroll through the woods when he heard screaming. He didn’t hesitate. Half way to the sound, it was cut off- he ran faster, breaking into the clearing just in time to see Aragon flashing his teeth at a teenage girl dressed in the Resistance’s uniform. She held a dagger in a trembling fist, poised over the tiny- what was that? There was a small bundle between them- the girl turned tail and ran. Ben took a step forward, his eyes focused on the bundle before he realized what it was- a newborn baby.

Aragon’s head swiveled toward him. Emerald green eyes narrowed and a puff of smoke escaped wide nostrils.

_Tell Leia Organa that one of her own has abandoned a hatchling to die._

With that, the dragon turned and picked up the child by a fold in the cloth surrounding it and slipped back into the forest.

Only a second passed before Ben followed. He raced after the dragon until somehow, he lost him- near a massive pond. He turned slow circles, staring up at the huge trees around him. Their roots created intricate weaved paths beneath his feet that he could easily turn an ankle on if he wasn’t careful. There were scratch marks on some of the roots; evidence of Aragon’s comings and goings, but they disappeared into thin air.

He let out a frustrated breath and started the long walk back to the base, his mind replaying the image of the girl’s face. He’d seen her before. She was a communications officer in the control hub- she ran errands for superior officers.

Nobody knew that she was pregnant. Apparently, she’d wanted it that way.

He only hoped that, wherever the child was now, they would be safe.

 

“What? Aragon- I’m five months pregnant, and you want me to take on a newborn?”

The dragon huffed. I stared at the baby’s face, torn between wanting to help and already being stretched too thin.

_If you won’t, then I will._

With that Aragon turned away from me, heading to the living room. He set the little bundle down gently on the couch and started digging a new room out.

“How do you expect to change its diapers?” I questioned him. “Or feed it?” He ignored me. “You don’t even know what gender it is!”

He flicked a piece of mud at me without looking. It stuck to my forehead, making me flinch. I glared at his scaly rump.

 _She’s a female._ He grunted. _And her name will be Illy’ana._

With that, he returned to his job.

 

Once Illy’ana’s room was completed- the walls and floor fire-hardened with enough space for Aragon’s full-grown form to fit comfortably inside, the dragon finally emerged, only to piss me off some more. I sat on the couch, opposite the sleeping newborn, wondering just how I’d gotten into this predicament.

He craned his neck over the back of the couch and picked the child up by the same fold in her blanket as before, sending me an icy glare. I huffed at him in response.

I watched him disappear into the new room with our new addition. A few seconds passed before I decided to follow him.

Aragon sat back on his haunches, his eyes closed, facing the newborn. A minute passed in silence as I waited for him to do something.

Sure enough, something happened. It wasn’t exactly the something I was expecting, though.

The air around Aragon’s body shimmered. He seemed to shrink in on himself, wings de-forming and slipping into his back, tail shortening, face and body becoming vaguely more human- when the air cleared, he still resembled a dragon, but now he stood around six feet tall, on two legs.

Jade green eyes set into a human face focused on me. His skin was a dark green, like a Twi’lek almost. When he reached out a hand to me, his fingers were clawed, the skin between them webbing, his palms made of tiny, circular scales. He was covered, neck-to-toe in green scales identical to his typical; two large plates covered his chest. Eight smaller plates comprised his abdomen, giving way to smaller scales along his muscular legs and wrapping around his back.

I nearly screamed.

“When did you find out you could do that?” First words out of my mouth. Followed closely by, “And why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know” was his smart reply. He stared at his hands, turning them over and over, trying to figure out this new form. My pregnant brain couldn’t take it.

“I’m going back to bed.” I huffed, turning my back to him.


	19. Drunk.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GUYS IM SOOOOO SORRY  
> -Kittani

Six months.   
Six months without her.   
This was the crash he’d feared throughout the last month. For him, no good time came without the bad, and most of the time, that bad far outweighed the good.  
He was contemplating just giving up when his eyes landed on Poe’s two hidden bottles of Sarshilian vodka.   
The first bottle found its way to his hands as he perched carefully on the edge of Poe’s bed. The pilot was out training his boyfriend the ‘art of flying’, and wouldn’t be back until at least the next day. Ben wasn’t blind. The two were fucking.  
Rey was flirting with another Force-sensitive Luke had picked up somewhere on Naboo.   
Leia and Han were closer than ever.   
Ben had no one.  
He flicked the cap off of the bottle with the pad of his thumb and took a swig, wincing as the alcohol burned a line of fire down his throat. He coughed into the crook of his arm and took another swig to wash the first down. He wondered, just briefly, if Poe would miss him.  
Another taste of fire. Another searing trail of heat. Caru’s face drifted to the forefront of his mind. He took a large gulp, forced himself to swallow.   
His dark gaze landed on the liquid through the lip of the bottle. A flick of his wrist, and the alcohol swirled.  
Swish. Swish. Swish.   
The bottle was too heavy.   
He hadn’t slept in a week.   
That’s better- much lighter. He blinked away tears at the potency. His vision swam. He leaned against the bed post.   
How long had it been again? He stared at the clock on the wall- five minutes. Why was he so- already? He took another swig, trying to forget the last time he’d had vodka. Suffice to say it had ended badly.   
Snoke. Hux. Hux’s damn cat-  
He gulped down more vodka. The bottle was half empty now. He swirled it around, captivated by the sheen of the waves, his wrist moving automatically as he kept the liquid moving, the rest of his body frozen. A bitter, emotionless laugh escaped his parted lips. He just barely managed to set the bottle down on the ground before he was doubled over, laughing.   
Poe hadn’t told him that he’d spiked the two bottles with a potent, fast-acting chemical that magnified the effects of the vodka.   
He ran to the bathroom, puked, then washed his mouth out with more vodka.   
He stumbled back to the bed.   
The heat from the drink curled in his chest, slowly moving throughout his body. He wasn’t aware that he was using the Force until the bottle floated before him.   
He giggled, took another swig, and giggled some more.  
What was so funny? He didn’t know. Suddenly, the memories of walking along the tarmac the other day came to him. He remembered hearing two mechanics talking, unaware that he was standing not two feet away.  
‘No, I swear. If Kylo finds out, Ian is screwed. What kind of fuck-brain nerfherder calls it Sithkiller Cliff? That’s just fucked, man.’  
He let out a strangled sob, his hand smacking over his mouth clumsily.   
No, don’t think of her, just drink-  
He did. He chugged the bottle, threw it to the side, and flipped the top off of the second.  
Serving size, one ounce.  
Screw that, he thought. What if he wanted to get fucked up- so much that he couldn’t remember his own name, much less hers?  
Contains: 64 fluid ounces  
He laughed again. Beside his feet, the broken bottle lay, a visual embodiment of his broken thoughts, twisted soul.   
He was drunk, but he could hardly tell. The room spun. His vision blurred in and out of focus.   
No, stay awake- if you want to end it, drink some more.  
Drink. Kill yourself.  
He wasn’t aware that Snoke had suddenly entered his mind, angry at him for his complete transformation and utter betrayal. The Supreme Leader thought him a broken toy. Beyond repair.   
He was right. The only confirmation he needed sat before him.   
Ben was drunk. More drunk than anything he’d ever seen. It was a good thing the man could hold his alcohol- Snoke needed him to drink more to die.   
He paused, lips on the edge of the bottle, trying not to laugh. Nothing was funny. That, in and of itself, was absurd to him.   
Nothing is funny, he repeated, words lost to the alcohol swirling both in the bottle and in his system. He glanced over at the clock as he took another sip, unable to comprehend that more than two hours had passed.   
Snoke guided his drunken hands to the shattered glass, trying to get him to slice his skin open, to bleed out, to do anything that would kill him faster, but with alcohol as his guiding force, his body didn’t obey and he just sagged some more against the bed post. He let the half-empty bottle fall from limp fingers. It too, shattered, spilling vodka over his feet. He cursed, words not distinguishable, eyes slowly falling shut. Something inside of him drove him forward and he pushed himself to his feet, swaying in place. Snoke withdrew from his mind, knowing that he was a dead man walking.   
Stumbling, really.   
He was conscious of two steps. Two steps, before one foot caught the other and he was falling, falling, falling.   
One single word dropped from parted lips. One single word eliminated the silence, caught on a shallow breath that reeked of alcohol.   
One word, before his world went black.  
One, coherent word.  
“Caru-“


	20. Purr.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1,444 words. I swear, i'm going to have longer chapters soon. Please don't kill me.  
> I guess the last chapter was met with stunned silence.   
> This one is beginning to look up. I promise, no more nasty surprises for Ben after that last... yeah.  
> Caru will be in the next chapter.   
> BTW- we reached 300+ reads!!! I'm really excited about that. Thanks so much, you guys. It really means alot that my work is being greeted positively.   
> -Kittani
> 
> PS> maybe i'll do some Poe/Finn fluff for valentines day. Thoughts?

Finn was the one who found him, initially. He had walked into Poe’s room intending to leave a present on his pillow- a single, cornellian flower. Poe had said it was his favorite.

The flower dropped to the ground with a soft sound when Finn’s eyes caught the still form of his once-superior. Unsure of what to do, he ran to get help in the form of Rey, who was across the hall.

Rey opened her door to see Finn panicking, wringing his hands, eyes darting back and forth.

“What’s up?” She asked, casually leaning against the door frame.

“It’s Ben- he’s-“Rey’s eyes widened and she pushed past him, darting into Poe’s shared room. She knew that any news of Ben was bad news.

She crouched over him, her fingers under his jaw, trying to find a pulse. It was faint, but it was there, and as long as he was alive, she had hope. She could smell the alcohol and knew what he’d done.

First things first- she rolled him onto his back and listened for a heartbeat. His breathing was shallow and ragged, his heart beating much too slow. With a curse, she pushed herself up and tried to lift him, but he was too heavy and awkward. Finn joined her. He grabbed Ben’s left arm and pulled while Rey wrapped her arms around his chest. The two of them combined managed to get his arms draped over their shoulders. They dragged him down the deserted hallway to the med bay- a place he seemed to frequent.

The nurses weren’t surprised to see him again, in a life-threatening situation. Rey and Finn let him down onto a bed. His head lolled to the side. Rey moved him so that he could breathe without too much trouble while nurses started analyzing.

“He had at least one bottle of Shesharilian vodka.” Rey told a medic. The man’s eyes widened, his lips parted in surprise.

“We’ll do what we can, but that’s a lot. Even for someone as big as him.” With that, he turned to stick an IV into Ben’s arm. Rey did what she could. Mostly that was calm the panic-stricken Finn, whose pacing was getting on the nerves of the medics.

Two hours later, a droid was hooked up to Ben, filtering his blood in its inner mechanisms, removing the alcohol and pumping the clean blood back into him. Rey sat by his right hand, idly running her fingers over the sheets. The medics had put him in a medically-induced coma to allow his body time to heal from the poison he’d given himself.

Rey’s mind drifted over his. She wasn’t surprised to find that even in the brain-dead state of a coma, his remaining conscious thoughts were of Caru. Her hand drifted to his chest, feeling his heart beat under her palm. The droid was doing its job- he was stable, and that was about all she could ask for.

Somehow, she felt like it was her fault. She was the one who’d fought him that day on Starkiller Base. She’d given him the scar that her fingertips traced over, her face becoming unconsciously closer to his.

She was the one who’d refused to kill him when she’d had him on his knees, staring up the shaft of her lightsaber. He’d been practically begging.

She was too weak to kill him then, but now she was too strong to let him die.

Luke had given her memories of her life before Jakku. It hadn’t been her parents who’d abandoned her there. It had been young Ben Solo. He’d stolen the Millennium Falcon right out from his father’s hands. He was the one who put her on board just before he’d killed the remaining Jedi.

He was the one who left her in the hands of a rations trader. He was the one who’d flown off in a smaller craft, leaving her on the desolate planet.

He was the one who’d saved her life by erasing her memories and burying her Force-sensitivity somewhere deep inside her young body.

And now she’d been the one to save him.

She leaned in closer and kissed his forehead, trying to ignore the way his skin was too cold. Then, she left the room, leaving her ex-friend-turned-enemy-turned-friend lying on a hospital bed that wasn’t long enough.

 

A week later, Ben was still restrained to bed rest and absolutely no more alcohol. He was back in his room, though, which was a step in the right direction. Poe had switched their beds so that he didn’t have to climb the ladder up to the top bunk.

Rey adjusted her grip on the Loth cat she’d adopted from the rescue. She punched in the access code to Ben’s room and let herself in, taking a brief moment to adjust to the sight of him curled up in the corner of his bunk, knees-to-chest, reading a book that was awkwardly sprawled before him, though not as awkward as he was. He glanced up when she cleared her throat. Her heart fell at the sight of his face; dark circles lined his eyes. His skin was even more pale than usual, and his pre-suicide-attempt happiness was gone. Strike that, utterly obliterated. Ben was a shell of who he used to be, reduced by Fate’s cruel hand.

She held out the cat in offering.

“I thought you might want some company.” She murmured, suddenly feeling really awkward. The lump if black and brindle fur in her hands shifted. She squealed in surprise as she dropped him. The cat landed on four silent paws and padded over to Ben. Rey watched, gauging Ben’s reaction as the fur ball curled itself on the open pages of the book, front paws curled under his chest, shoulders leaning against Ben’s shins. She heard the loud purr, even from the door as Ben tentatively stretched out a hand and brushed his fingers along the cat’s spine. A tiny flicker of a smile lifted the corners of his lips, if only for a second.

Rey crossed the room and curled herself into the opposite corner of his bed, mirroring his posture. Her eyes never left him as he pet the cat, scratching lightly around its head, eliciting louder and louder purring. This was the most alive she’d seen him since the incident.

“How do you feel?” She asked after a moment’s silence. A heavy sigh was her response. The cat stood, stretched, and placed itself in his lap, demanding attention. He murmured something to it in a language she didn’t recognize as he let it settle before going back to stroking its fur.

“Fine, I guess. Not so weak.”

“That’s- good.” She didn’t know what else to say. How did she tell him that she meant mentally, not physically? How did she confront him about the attempt he’d taken on his life?

Should she confront him? Or should she just let it be in the past.

She fidgeted.

“I think he likes you.”

It was true. The cat, who’d been the most bitter toward her at the rescue, was rubbing its head against his jaw, his neck, his throat, purring and lifting its tail to the sky, paws kneading his thighs. He winced as sharp claws punctured the thin fabric of his sweatpants and entered his skin.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Another fidget. “Ben, I just… I don’t know how to say this. I’m worried about you.” She inhaled a sharp breath. “I’m sorry for what happened between us back on Starkiller, and I want to move on… Maybe we can be… friends?”

He didn’t speak for a minute. She nervously glanced around the room- at anything except him. Her chest tightened with anxiety and she felt her fingers go cold. Had she overstepped an invisible line by talking about the past? What was he thinking about? She’d _kill_ if she could just read his thoughts then, get past the walls he had up. But she couldn’t.

So she bit her lip and stayed silent.

“Okay.” He murmured, his gaze finally lifting to her face. She released her lip and stared at him, blinking slowly.

“…Okay?”

“Okay.” He repeated, eyes dropping once more to the cat on his lap. She nearly freaked out when he moved. He crossed his legs, allowed the cat to settle in the new space, and started petting him again.

“Do you… like him?” She asked, her voice hesitant and awkward.

“I guess.” Another non-committal. ~~Of course.~~

“Well good, because I got him for you.”

His wide eyes stared at her, trying to figure out if she was serious or not. She was. Eventually, he conceded a small smile. She grinned in victory.

“Okay.”


	21. Born

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's been so long, guys. My birthday is on Wednesday, and i've been busy all weekend; snowtubing and visiting wolves. Hopefully i'll be able to write some more soon.  
> Update on my horsie; she got her stitches out today, and its healing up pretty well, but her face is still swollen. The vet is going to come back in a few weeks.   
> My kitty has been very cuddly, so he's the inspiration for the next chapter- more Ben.  
> Love you all!  
> ~Kittani

“Sir, the medics have confirmed that the blood found on Kylo Ren’s robes three months ago was in fact, his. They stated in the official report that blood loss of that amount is fatal. Snoke himself confirmed that Kylo Ren is dead.”

The officer clicked his heels together, right hand raised to his brow in a stiff salute. He stared straight ahead, lips pressed in a thin line, back so straight that his spine ached from the pressure. Even when pale eyes met his face and the ginger General stood not centimeters away, he maintained form.

“Do they have the body?” Hux growled, low in his throat, eyes blazing. “So they have proof?”

The officer flinched, regained composure, and managed to squeak- “Sir, all due respect sir, but Snoke-“

One glove made contact with his cheek. The officer turned his face to the ground, hand dropping from the salute, unable to meet his superior’s eyes. He saw the way Hux’s fist curled around the glove- pale skin against pitch black cloth, knuckles white with tension.

“Leave.” Hux growled out. The officer snapped to attention and turned on his heel, nearly tripping over the pal ginger cat that padded onto his path in his haste to get away.

Millicent leapt into her owner’s arms, purring and mewing, pawing at his neck. He smiled at her, turning back to the observation deck, knowing that nobody dared stare.

Hux had reached a level of fear among the First Order that Kylo had never obtained. Ren’s outbursts had been with little warning, but once they occurred, it was easy to stay away. Hux, however, lashed out in a way that no one could shy from; when he found two traitors among the troopers, he’d taken a blaster and shot their backs open in the cafeteria- sideways, so as to prolong the pain.

The two men still had horizontal scars on their backs, reminders of their torture. Both were rotting in the cells, isolated and starved, on the brink of death.

After that incident, crossing the General was not an option. He was a killer shot and he fought dirty.

He stroked Millicent’s back as she purred in his ear, her face nuzzled in his neck.

A holographic map of D’Qar spun lazily before him.

 _One day,_ he promised himself. _One day,_ he would do what Ren failed to do; **_Kill Leia Organa._**

 

Agonizing pain. Blood, sweat, tears and screaming.

Aragon crouched, positioning himself so that he was nearly between Caru’s legs as her back arched and she screamed again. He focused on healing her insides, even as the child emerged, bloody, with eyes wide open. After Seven horrible hours, he was born.

Bi-colored eyes stared at him. A quiet whimper passed between a child’s lips as Aragon waved his hand over the newborn, using the Force to clean off the birthing fluids and blood. He wrapped him gently in a black cloth, the whole time healing Caru’s body in the way that only he could- with the warm, harmless (to her) fire from his belly. He cradled the child in the crook of one arm, using the other to support Caru. She needed his help to crawl to the edge of the rock, where she slipped into the fire-heated water of the pond. After she was clean and dry, which only took a few minutes, he placed the child in her arms and shifted back to his natural state, curling around her and offering support for her exhausted body.

“His name is Hayden.” She murmured eventually, brushing a strand of her son’s hair from his face. He’d been born with long (for a baby), dark hair and her eyes, but from what she could tell of his chubby little face, he resembled his father- the man she’d only read about through her old journals and seen through drawings.

Her heart swelled with pride as she looked down on the human _she’d_ created. He was _her_ son, and always would be. The last nine months had been worth it to her.

Aragon let out a low rumble as his eyes closed. He was exhausted too. Helping his rider give birth while simultaneously trying to calm Ily’ana was a torturous task. As it was, the four-month-old infant was sleeping soundly, cradled in the space between his front legs and neck, her body resting against the warmth of his chest. He soon fell asleep listening to Caru singing softly to her newborn.

 

An hour later, there was a rustle in the brushes as Ben emerged, his Loth cat padding loyally at his heels. His body went rigid at the sight of the blood that surrounded the massive green dragon. The water was tinted pink and he was sure that the stone would be too, if Aragon didn’t do something about it.

He stared at the dragon for another, long minute, noticing the way his left wing was extended while his right wing was still pinned to his back. Ben took careful, slow steps around the sleeping dragon, trying to see what he was hiding. His eyes locked onto the baby that he remembered.

 _So it’s still alive,_ he thought. He wondered how Aragon had managed to care for it for what- four months? At that point, he’d conceded to the fact that he would just have to go back to base to meditate. Rey would notice his absence soon, since she’d appointed herself as his official babysitter, and he didn’t want her stumbling on a sleeping dragon when he wasn’t there to explain. He picked up the cat and snuck back into the cover of the trees, jogging back to base once he was out of earshot.

 

I knew someone was there. I could hear the rustling of the tree branches. That was what had stopped my voice in my throat and made my body go rigid, protectively hugging Hayden to my chest. He was asleep, tiny hands curling and uncurling into tiny fists around my pinky finger, and I knew it was a good thing. A squeal, or a cry from him would alert the person to my presence.

However, as the person snuck around, getting slowly closer to Aragon’s front, I caught a glimpse over his back leg. My eyes widened.

It was the first time I’d seen him- and it was quite a shock.

He looked tired, worn down. There were noticeable bags under his eyes and he looked a bit too thin, but that wasn’t what shocked me to my core.

It was the thin, shaky-looking scar that traced from his jaw to the bridge of his nose.

My jaw dropped open. I couldn’t remember anything about him, but I knew that the scar definitely hadn’t been there before. _Before what?_ My mind raced over the last journal entries. There was _nothing-_ no sign anywhere of what could’ve caused it.

As soon as he’d come, he was gone, leaving me with a lonely feeling caged in my chest and a child he knew nothing about in my arms.

It was in that moment that I decided life wasn’t fair.

But when Hayden’s eyes opened just a minute later, the right a pale green and the left dark brown, I forgot all about my worries, too caught up in the idea of actually being a new mother to care.

 

Aragon sat beside me, in his humanoid form, cradling me against his chest while I shook. Something inside of me had snapped when I saw Ben. Something that had my hands shaking, my heart freezing, and sent my brain into panic mode. I was afraid. I was afraid that after the last nine months of isolation, I would be found and dragged back into society. Despite the fact that my body was still exhausted from birth, and despite the sleeping newborn in my arms, I had adrenaline slamming through my veins, but I didn’t have an outlet. I needed to get out and run, but I couldn’t. Not with the crippling fear of being found. I jumped with every spark the fire let out. I nearly screamed at every shifting shadow on the walls. The slight creak of the tree above me nearly pushed me to the brink.

I couldn’t tell what was wrong with me, and that was what scared me most.

These were feelings I’d had for the last nine months, but now they were coming to a head.

Sleeplessness had disrupted me for the last month. I was high-strung all day, but simultaneously exhausted. I jumped at every shadow.

I was afraid.

And now, that fear had another form. I was afraid for Hayden. Ily’ana, safe in her cradle beside Aragon, wasn’t my concern, but I was still afraid for her, too. She would be Hayden’s playmate, once the two had grown up. Aragon and I had already decided not to tell them about the age gap unless we were asked to. That was another thing I was afraid of. How would they take it? Knowing that the child they grew up with and thought of as a sibling, actually wasn’t related to the other- at all? Ily’ana was adopted. Aragon was her caregiver. Not me. I was Hayden’s mother, and only Hayden’s mother.

Then, another fear hit me. What if they fell in love with each other?

Aragon’s hand moved up and down my arm. I buried my face in his chest and sniffled.

 _Caru, calm your mind._ His mental voice caressed and calmed my consciousness. I felt my body relax. _You think too much_. Hayden’s eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks as he slept. I brushed a strand of silky black hair away from his face. My body was finally calm. I leaned my head against Aragon’s muscular shoulder, smiling. His very presence was soothing. Aragon, I could trust. He was the dragon I’d raised in secret. He was the dragon I grew up with. His humanoid form, although it took some getting used to, was still him. _I love you little one._

_I love you too._


	22. Mending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HEY!   
> sorry that i haven't posted in what feels like forever. I just turned 16, and things have been crazy.   
> I'm going to be editing what i have so far and adding alot to the previous chapters, so be on the look out for that!  
> Also, I HAVE 500+ reads!!!!!!!! OMFG  
> you guys are amazing.   
> WARNING there's a bit of.. er... notfluff in the beginning of this one. I was in the mood to write that stuff, so i wrote it, and BAM now its on here. oops? sorrynotsorry.   
> ~Kittani

Ben stared at the ceiling of his bunk, stroking the cat that lay across his bare chest. He was bored, quite honestly. Bed rest? Still? Luckily, Leia had thought that fresh air would be good for him, and the doctor had agreed. That’s why he was let out before. Rey had been behind him, but he’d managed to keep her away from Aragon- and the bloody scene that he still wondered about.

His datapad sat a few feet away, screen taunting him- but he had the cat on his chest, and he couldn’t move. And, he’d promised Leia in front of the court that he wouldn’t use the Force again. Not directly, anyway.

He scowled at the datapad until the door to his new room opened and Rey stepped in. “Please hand me that datapad.” He said, motioning to the object. She laughed at the pleading look on his face, but walked over, bent down, and handed him the datapad. “Thanks.” He grinned at her as she took a seat by his thighs, reaching to pet his cat.

“How are you feeling?” Rey asked.

“Better, now that I was able to go outside.” He answered, putting the datapad beside his head and going back to petting his cat when the tom grabbed his wrist and all but _told_ him to pet him. Rey giggled at the cat, scratching him behind the ears. Ben could feel the purr vibrate through _his_ chest. The cat loved Rey. Well, maybe he just loved attention. But that purr was so powerful that Ben could feel it. The two lapsed into a comfortable silence: one of many over the last month. Rey was always the one who came to check on him. Always. He was actually beginning to enjoy her company.

It wasn’t nearly the same way he had enjoyed Caru’s company. It could never be the same way he’d enjoyed Caru’s company. He was sure that the two of them had been as close to soul mates as you could possibly get. No, Rey was just a friend, no doubt about that. And while the young scavenger had feelings of her own (very confused feelings, but feelings nonetheless,) the two would never happen.

Not like Ben even noticed. Like most men, he was oblivious. It wasn’t that way with Caru. He could always tell the slight nuances of her emotions- even back before they were together. Back in the time of the Jedi academy, before Snoke had destroyed most of the good inside of him, back when he first met her- the Force had drawn them together. Somehow, he’d been able to read her. He always had.

And he had always been intrigued by her.

Always.

 

 

 

_His hands moved over my knees, trailing heat up my thighs and over my hips, fingers tugging on the straps of my lace panties. My vision was black as I stared at the back of my eyelids, small explosions erupting in the darkness as my back arched of its own accord. The Force-grip on my wrists tightened as his hands guided my panties down, lace against skin as my knees bent and my hips lifted, allowing him to toss the cloth to the side. Weight pressed down over me. An arm braced on either side of my head. A quiet whimper escaped parted lips as he latched onto my neck with bruising force. Back arched. Rough fabric against bare skin. Tender points. Rough marks. The Force, used most inappropriately. Moaning that ended in soft whines. Calloused fingers on sensitive skin._

_Pleasure._

_My legs went weak. I was shaking, my body all too aware of him. Pressure in all the right places. An overwhelming sense of fulfillment._

_Hidden, locked away in our bedroom, secret, limbs tangled, sweat coalescing on heated skin. I was prone, forced into place by his powers, all too willing to loose myself in him. His lips moved from the mark on my neck, up, up, teeth grazing over my pulse, trailing over the line of my jaw, pressed against my lips, finally._

_He could kill me._

_The Force tightened on my wrists. My arms were tugged further up. Fingertips met wood. My hands clenched around the posts of the bedframe just as euphoria slammed through my body in tune with his body._

_I let out a groan into the space between us. Our breath mingled, hot and sweet, and everything that the Dark Side wasn’t, everything that we only found in each other._

_Release._

_Collapse._

_Buried under him, the heat radiating off of my body mingling with his heat, barely able to breath for the weight pressing on my chest, but no less aroused, I buried my face in his shoulder as he buried his face in the side of my head, his breath fanning over my neck. I was spent, but he wasn’t._

_Round two. He took advantage of my tiredness to awaken multiple waves of pleasure in me. I moaned his name, head tilted back, hands wrapped firmly around the bed posts, his hands pressing into my hips. My body arched against him and he pushed me back down. A soft moan left my lips before he covered my mouth with his own._

_‘We can’t be caught, love. They may hear you.’_

_A strangled groan. His arm wrapped around me, perfectly placed in the center of my back, pinning my abdomen against his. Hot skin against hot skin._

_Another mark made its presence known on the pale skin of my throat. He peppered kisses against my raised collarbones, mouth trailing down, between the valley of my breasts, over my stomach, on my hips. The gentle nip of teeth, soft hair tangled between fingers, more intense waves of pleasure-_

I woke up with a start to the sound of a crying child, completely unable to remember what I’d been dreaming of and yet wholly convinced that I’d been dreaming and utterly perplexed as to why I was covered in sweat.

Hayden lay quietly in his hand-woven basket beside me. My tired, sleepy eyes squinted at the door. Aragon had left the door cracked, just enough to let in a sliver of bright light from the living room. I sensed him pacing, cradling Ily’ana against his shoulder, calming the colicing four-month old with a gentle pressure against her back. Unlike Hayden, the girl didn’t have a Force signature. The unseen power flowed around her, passing by without so much as a blip, while my son was the opposite. The Force was channeled straight through him, powerful and present, unable to be ignored. I knew he would be stronger than I was, one day.

My fear of discovery was what had me cloaking his signature the second I’d known I was pregnant. With a presence that strong, I feared the worst; that someone had already noticed and come looking.

 

Luke Skywalker opened his eyes to the darkness of his room. He couldn’t feel that supreme Force signature anymore. It was gone. Extinguished. Obliterated. It had been focused through a tiny speck, and then that speck grew into something the size of his fist before he lost it.

But what had it been?

Floating in the middle of another, bigger being, one that he couldn’t sense. What did that? In all of his years, he’d never seen the like of it.

Rey sat opposite him, her eyes closed, hands resting, palms up, on her knees. Ben was beside her, his hands together in his lap, fingers and thumbs forming a triangle. His posture was perfect, well-practiced, while Rey’s form was sloppy.

Luke stood up with a groan and the creak of an old body. He reached out with the Force, straightening the girl’s spine. She took in a deep breath, her lungs expanding to capacity as her meditation deepened. He spared a glance for Ben, who still hadn’t forgiven himself for his past. The dark haired man looked to be at peace when meditating. His aura pulsed with calm energy, but Luke could sense the darkness still reaching out. Ben was lost without the girl. Even Luke knew that. And while he would never again turn to the dark side or the First Order, he was a man without direction, without a weight to keep him firmly on the ground.  

Quite honestly, Luke felt sorry for him. A loss like that would be hard for anyone to take. Rey had told him about Ben’s reckless behavior and selflessness aboard base. He’d taken all of the jobs the sane people didn’t want. He’d saved at least six from a sure death on the tarmac when a ship broke the repair lift- on separate occasions. He was the one who charged into the kitchens to save the cook’s teenage daughter when the whole area had burst into flames. He’d been slowly gaining the begrudging approval of the rebels through this reckless, self-destructive behavior. The problem was that with one misstep, he could die.

Not only that, but in between these heroic acts, he would spend a week locked in his room, alone except for the Loth cat Rey gave him, reportedly curled into the fetal position facing the wall on his bed. During these times, he was completely unresponsive to any of them. Even Leia couldn’t break through to him during those episodes.

Luckily, the man sitting beside Luke’s padawan was completely healthy. He hadn’t had an episode in over a month. He seemed happier, calmer, more relaxed.

Finally on the mend, Luke hoped. He wanted his nephew back.


	23. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4000 WORDS!!!!!!! i feel awesome!  
> Loving this chapter.   
> I hope you will too.   
> Thoughts on Hayden?  
> ~Kittani

Ben’s muscles burned. Rey wasn’t taking it easy on him, that was for sure. He ducked her next blow and countered, raising his staff to attack, but her staff hit his. She threw her weight against their crossed staffs, pushing him back a step. His knuckles turned white with his intense grip on the wood as he spun away and slammed the staff back, catching the backs of Rey’s knees. In the next second, when his motion stopped, he had his staff level with her chin, staring down at her, the two of them breathing hard. Rey lashed out with one foot, catching his ankle and sending him sprawling. He blinked, staring up at her from the ground, her foot in the center of his chest, pressing down, bow staff balanced in the hollow of his neck.

“Well done, Rey. Never give up, even if your opponent has you on your knees.” Luke’s voice boomed over them. The ex-scavenger released Ben and held a hand out. He accepted, fingers wrapping around her slender wrist as she tugged him to his feet.

“Good fight.” He huffed. “Your form is getting better.”

“Better?” She scoffed, playfully punching his shoulder. “I’ve beaten you six times in a row now.”

He rolled his eyes, but the slight grin playing at his lips told Rey everything she needed to know. She was getting better, alright. Soon, Luke may even send her on a mission. Her heart raced in anticipation at the prospect.

Rey, the scavenger girl from Jakku, going on a mission for the Resistance.

Ben could sense her excitement through their Force-bond. He had no idea what had her heart beating wildly, but he figured it was probably the fact that she’d bested him in single combat not six, _seven_ times in a row. He watched her as she picked up her water bottle, already gulping down most of his. Luke took their bow staffs and leaned them against a nearby tree while they recovered.

They’d been at it for almost six months now. He would be worried if Rey’s already advanced skills weren’t improving. He was learning a lot from her, too.

“Ben.” A sudden whisper drew him from his silence. “Ben, don’t move. There’s someone watching us.”

Of course, being the idiot he was, he spun around, eyes narrowing on the crouched figure hidden in the tree line. He was sprinting before his mind even caught up with his body, doing a Force-assisted jump over the pond without meaning to, his feet slamming down on the grass as he barreled full-speed toward the intruder. He saw their shoulders tense before they were running too.

He reached out with the Force, but couldn’t sense any being- sensitive or not, and that was how he knew the intruder was a Force-sensitive. And a strong one at that. His legs were burning already- both from his sparring matches with Rey and from running, but he kept going, slamming branches aside, chest heaving, palms stinging, face burning. He was getting cut up by the strong whip of branches, but still he ran, chasing the intruder through the woods, catching glimpses of their dark cape.

Ben ran faster. He got a split-second view of pale skin as the intruder checked the distance between them, but just as quickly as they’d turned, they were gone. He slowed, staring around him for any hint of the person until- there! The chase began again when he saw the slightest scrap of moving black fabric.

He was gaining on them. They were getting tired, he could tell.

Rey darted out from behind a tree and caught the person in the chest with the length of her staff, sending them flying backwards into the ground, all air gone from their lungs. Ben fought to catch up before the person got back to their feet and escaped, because Rey wasn’t moving. The scavenger was frozen, still in attack position, her eyes glued to the face of the person that Ben couldn’t yet see.

The person pushed themselves to their feet, sent a glance at Ben, and ran off, clutching a hand to their chest. Ben screamed in frustration. He reached Rey and roughly grabbed her shoulders, shaking her until she snapped back to attention.

“What was that? We had them! You just-“

“Froze.” She growled. “I know.” Her gaze cut back to the broken twigs and branches that marked the beginning of the person’s shaky escape. “You would’ve too if you saw the dead walking.”

“What?” He muttered, dropping his grip on her shoulders and analyzing the glazed expression on her face. “Who was it?” He demanded, growing frustrated. Adrenaline was still pumping through his veins, but he was beginning to be able to feel the sting in his face, arms, and chest from the branches.

Rey’s dark eyes focused on his face suddenly, with intense emotion swirling just beneath them.

“Caru.”

 

“You’re sure?” Luke questioned, once Rey had managed to convince Ben to go back to the clearing.

“Positive.” Rey nodded, sending a nervous glance over her shoulder to Ben, who was pacing anxiously.

“If you aren’t, he’s all worked up for nothing.” Luke commented. “The past fifteen months have been hard on him. If you have even the slightest doubt-“

“I know what I saw,” Rey growled. “It was her. Exactly as I remembered. Bi-color eyes. Black hair. Very pretty. I would know her face anywhere. She’s kindof hard to mistake for someone else. Luke, it was her. I know it.”

Rey flinched when she heard Ben yell in frustration again, yet neither of them moved to help him. The ex-Sith had already dug a ditch along his path from pacing. Finally, he dropped to the ground, curled his knees to his chest, and started sobbing. Luke stared at him in distress, incapable of even thinking of helping. Rey hesitated. He was unstable. This was the non-violent version of one of his past ‘episodes’ that Finn had described to her. She didn’t want it to become violent- both for her own safety and for his. If the base found out that he’d harmed her in any way, they’d rip him apart. So, she just watched him from a safe distance as he seemed to curl in on himself, face buried in his arms, sitting upright in an almost fetal position. Every thirty seconds or so, he would let out a broken whimper, or a hiccupping breath, or some other heart-wrenching sound that made Rey want to make him stop. It physically hurt her to see him like this.

He had been just starting to get better; to get over the major loss, and now this happened. It wasn’t fair. Even Kylo Ren didn’t deserve this. She knew that.

“What do I do?” She muttered, both to herself and to Luke.

 

I was hyperventilating. Aragon’s warmth surrounded me, healing my body, but I was still breathing too hard. Even as I watched, the long bruise on my chest turned colors and faded until it disappeared completely. Still, I couldn’t catch my breath. His magic healed my bruised ribs, but it couldn’t take away the fear. _What if they had followed me here?_

_They didn’t._

_Why did I run?_

_You were scared. He was chasing you, and you went into fight or flight. It was a natural response._

_The girl saw me._

Aragon uncurled and stepped gingerly onto the floor. I flopped onto my back and stared at the ceiling for a minute before I followed him out of my bedroom door. He nosed at the sleeping form of Illy’ana. I picked up Hayden, cradling him in my arms while I fixed some solid food for my six-month old. Aragon’s adopted daughter was nearing a year old now. She was teaching Hayden to walk just by strutting around in front of him. He could already hold himself up with my support.

My son had become my driving force in life. I lived and breathed for him. He was my motivation to get up in the mornings.

Aragon’s head lifted.

_Something’s wrong. Very wrong. Get your lightsaber._

“What?” I whisper-yelled. He turned his head to my room and sniffed. I put Hayden in his cradle and ran into my room, quickly changing into dark robes that were just loose enough to move easily in, but not so big that they would make me awkward in the woods. My lightsaber got strapped to my thigh, exactly where it was very often these days. After all, I wasn’t just protecting myself anymore. “Are you going to tell me what it is?” I demanded of Aragon, once we were outside. He shook off the water from his lake exit just before I crawled into the space between his shoulder blades. With two powerful surges of his wings, we were airborne, my legs tight around his back, holding onto a spike in front of me, my body flat against his for aerodynamics.

 _Ben’s in trouble._ He growled. Flames slipped out of his open maw and trailed on either side of us.

On the horizon, I saw a black, easily recognizable ship descending through the clouds.

 _The Finalizer,_ my mind supplied. I had no idea how I knew of it, or why, but it was there. Aragon strained to go faster. We passed over the meditation clearing where I’d given birth. It was nothing more than a blur beneath us. _The Finalizer_ got closer, sinking onto the tarmac of the Resistance’s airstrip. A growing sense of dread clawed at my stomach. I pressed closer to Aragon as he began his descent, wings tucked.

The landing platform dropped as Aragon held us far enough above that I had to use our bond to see with his heightened eyes. A figure clad in a flowing coat with striking orange hair and pale skin stepped off first, flanked by hundreds of Storm troopers who emerged from several carry ships. General Leia Organa stood, feet firmly planted in the door to the base, hundreds of pilots and crew behind and beside her. Han Solo held her hand, his stance firm, one hand on the hilt of his blaster. I saw the ginger’s eyes widen at the sight of the ex-smuggler, but I couldn’t tell why. Aragon’s sensitive hearing picked up the conversation easily; as well as a slight rustling in the forest behind the ships. His head swiveled, affording me a view of Luke, Ben and Rey crouched in the underbrush, silently creeping up the hill toward the tarmac. Only Ben was without a lightsaber.

“General Leia Organa, I have come to issue a peace treaty with the Resistance.” The orange hared man stated, his face eternally stern.

 _Drop lower,_ I said to Aragon. He dropped a good two hundred feet.

“You come with hundreds of troops to sign a peace treaty?” Organa snipped, cocking her head to the side. “I don’t think you are here for peace.”

She was right. The dark figure’s hand shot out from beneath his coat and drew a sleek, hand-held blaster. He aimed and fired, but was tackled by a dark-haired blur. Chaos ensued. Aragon tried to drop to a safe height, but blaster shots were suddenly in the air, not aimed at us, but misfired. I saw Leia crumple to the ground, Han crouched over her, assessing and protecting. The Storm troopers were cut down by pilots, who had jumped into their crafts. I was focused on the edge, where the dark haired figure grappled with the shooter. The two were at the other’s throats. I watched horrified as a blaster shot skimmed Ben’s bicep and turned the tide of their fight- the ginger landed a low kick between Ben’s legs and threw the taller man off of him, suddenly with a foot on his chest.

I threw myself off of the side of Aragon, falling gracefully and angrily toward the fight, spurred on by the need to protect a man who I couldn’t remember knowing. My lightsaber was in my hand the second I landed, crouched, glaring up at the ginger man from beneath a hood. His pale eyes widened and he raised the blaster again, forgetting Ben for a second.

It was all I needed. With one swift spin, I blocked his shot and threw one hand out, directing the Force through my fingertips and towards him. It caught him in the chest, sending him flying backwards. He landed, skidded, bounced, once, twice until he finally came to a groaning halt, pushing himself up on shaking arms. I was breathing heavily, my chest rising and falling with a heavy rhythm, heart beating in staccato. My lightsaber purred beneath my touch, red blade spitting with my hatred toward the man that dared fight dirty against an unarmed opponent.

“You!” The man shouted, now on his feet but bent over, one arm pressed to his abdomen. “This has nothing to do with you.”

Aragon landed behind me, directly over Ben, protecting him with his body. The massive green beast extended his wings and let out a loud, flame-tinged roar that shook the tarmac beneath my feet. The man’s eyes widened and he took stumbling steps backwards. Another roar joined Aragon’s- a Wookie’s roar. A second later, there was a blast of red and the man fell flat on his face, surrounded by a growing pool of red. I was stunned.

The Storm troopers stared at their fallen leader. All movement ceased. For a brief second, I was confused as to why they were even there- and then I saw it. Rey was held by an arm around her neck, a blaster to her head, by a Stormtrooper in the ramp of the Finalizer. Luke knelt beside her, a black-gloved hand heavy on his shoulder, a blaster to his back.

You could hear a pin drop in the ensuing silence. There was a quiet whir of gears and the ramp lifted. I managed to move, Force-grabbing Luke and tearing him from the grip of the Stormtrooper. While he rolled out of the way of the rising ship, I tried to get Rey, but I was too slow.

Luke stared at me in shock as he got slowly to his feet. I turned, taking in the expressions of the crowd. It was then that I realized that my hood had fallen off.

Behind me, Ben got to his feet, one hand pressed to the bleeding, cauterized wound on his arm.

“Caru?”

I ran. I ran like hell, like the devil was on my heels, down the hill beside the tarmac, every stride jarring my back. I ran, as fast as I could, until I disappeared into the forest, knowing that he was just a few feet behind me.

“Caru!” Heavy footfalls. The panicked sound of my heavy breathing. Twigs snapped underfoot. A sharp cry as a particularly sharp branch caught my sleeve and ripped, straight through skin. Thighs and lungs burning from exertion, I pushed myself faster. He was fast, but I was small and lithe where he was tall and clumsy, but he had single-minded determination while I was overrun by fear, my heart going a mile a minute but unable to pump blood efficiently.

I ran for what felt like forever, but was probably only twenty minutes. The whole time, Ben was close behind. Finally, I reached the lake and dove in without hesitation, knowing that Ben couldn’t swim. I held my breath and opened my eyes, searching for Aragon’s hidden entrance. I’d just reached the mouth of the underground cave when there was a splash- a disturbance on the surface as Ben struggled to catch me. My eyes widened. He was going to die if he tried.

I saw him kick at the water, trying to go under and look for me, but all he managed to do was sink. I swam back toward him. He saw me, eyes squinting against the salty water, and his struggling increased. I shook my head vehemently at him, motioning toward the surface while still trying to reach him, but he was running out of air and quickly sinking further and further. I was still thirty seconds away when he went limp. I watched in horror as his eyes closed and he floated down, my lungs just starting to tingle- I’d forced myself to endure breath training.

There was a flash of green. Black claws curled around Ben’s midsection and dragged him further under. I pinned my arms against my sides. A second later, Aragon clutched me to his chest and dove, pulling both of us into the pressurized underwater cave. We broke through the water screen easily. He dropped Ben onto the ground allowing me to crawl over to his prone form.

He lay on the ground, one arm draped over his chest, unmoving. I straddled his hips, ran my fingers under his jaw and pushed his head up, opening his throat. Then, I formed a two-handed fist and pumped, hard, on his chest. There was a gurgle of water and his back arched underneath me. His eyes shot open at the same time as water spilled from his mouth. He coughed, once, twice, spitting up more water. I turned him onto his side, watching him carefully. His dark, pain filled eyes met mine for a split second before he went limp again.

“No, no, no!” I slammed a weak fist into his uninjured shoulder. “Ben, wake up!” Even if I didn’t know him, my past self had loved him, and that was something that just couldn’t be overlooked. Aragon sniffed at Ben’s back.

 _He’s alive._ He commented, gently taking the backs of Ben’s robes between his teeth and lifting him into the air. The dragon fixed me with one brilliant eye. _He almost died for you. This is the man you used to love. Do not let that go._

With that, he padded into the living room with Ben in his grip. I heard the sudden roar of a fire and walked numbly after him. The dragon shifted, carefully arranging Ben to a good distance away from the flames so that he lay on his side, his back to the heat. My eyes traced his form. He was still limp, still awkward, but there was a certain peace to his features that had me remembering soft times with him; picnics under the broad expanse of the galaxy, secret kisses, private dances to soft, melodious music, wrapped in the other’s arms, giggling and grinning and kissing- I found myself kneeling by his side.

His robes were cold to the touch, and I quickly realized mine were too. I stood up and went into my bedroom, picking out new, comfortable clothes and throwing mine over a rack to dry. I grabbed a cloak on my way out and sat beside Ben, trying to figure out how to take off his top layer. When I eventually got it, I used the Force to help lift him, so that he wouldn’t be bothered too much. His chest was bare then, making me blush even though I knew that I’d seen more before. I dried him off as best as I could and draped the cloak over his shoulders, setting to work on drying his hair. Once that was done, Hayden was hungry, so I fed him and then found myself curled up next to Ben on the ground, my son in my arms, sharing my body heat to keep them both warm. Aragon came over and curled around the three of us, leaving Illy’ana in her bed.

A few hours later, Hayden was hungry again. After feeding him, he kept mewling softly, so I hummed a song to him until he fell asleep, bouncing lightly on the balls of my feet and swaying to calm him down.

 

A soft, musical voice was what finally drew Ben out of unconsciousness. He blearily opened his eyes to see flickering light on the back of a feminine shape.

_“Under the shade of a willow, I still love you…”_

He recognized the tune. It was something he’d always listened to back when he was still under Luke- something that had always reminded him of her. Something he’d eventually confessed to her. It had become their song.

_“And when the whispering wind blows, I still love you, so don’t leave me, don’t leave me, alone…”_

He pushed himself up on one arm, stretching out his sore back, eyes glued to her back. Her Force Signature wasn’t hidden from him anymore. She’d let the guise slip. He could sense her calm aura.

_“Love, I don’t want to be alone,”_

He didn’t know how to react now that she was there- in front of him. The thought briefly crossed his mind as to why she was singing that particular song so softly- and swaying, her arms out of view. A moment later, his unsaid question was answered as she turned just enough to afford him a view of the bundle in her arms that she beamed at, a gentle warmth radiating from her features. Her soft, dark hair fell in waves down to her mid-back, and she was more lean and muscular than he remembered, but as her surprised, two-toned eyes flickered up in surprise to meet his as he sat cross legged, watching her, he knew that the woman before him was still the one he fell in love with so many years ago.

“You’re awake?” She murmured, still swaying to keep the child in her arms asleep. He nodded and got to his feet, taking awkward, long strides to be face-to-face with her. Unable to meet her eyes, he stared down at the baby.

The child had long, dark lashes that fluttered gently against his cheeks. His mouth opened and closed in sleep, with one tiny fist half in and half out. He was drooling against his fingers with a look of concentration on his face. Ben noticed that he had a full head of dark hair. Jealousy and sadness flared inside of him at the thought of _his_ Caru with another man; carrying another man’s child.

“Whose is it?” He asked. Caru didn’t look up, she just kept her eyes on the baby. His heart softened at the look on her face.

“His name is Hayden. He’s my son.”

Ben almost took a step back. While he was prepared to hear her say it, he didn’t realize the effect it would have on him. In her arms was living proof that she’d moved on. She looked up at him, smiling gently.

“How are you feeling?” The question was so abrupt after the revelation he’d just had that he didn’t quite know what to say.

“Who-“he whispered. “Who’s the father?” He asked. Caru looked up at him in genuine shock. She was surprised that he didn’t realize it _the big doof,_ but she quickly looked away. Who was she to place judgement? She couldn’t even remember being with him.

He took her look as meaning the opposite of what it was.

 _Maybe you should sit down._ Aragon’s voice whispered in the back of his mind. As if in a trance, his hands sought the couch behind him and he plopped down, not too gently. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Caru, his heart shattering into pieces with the feeling of betrayal.

“Ben,” Caru sighed, leaning her weight against the side table, casually moving to cradle the baby in one arm. She finally looked up at him, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. “Before I tell you, I need you to realize that I don’t remember _anything_ about who I was before I came here. All I have is a journal that the past me wrote. That’s it. That’s how I know you.” She looked down. He closed his eyes, preparing for the mental blow he knew he was about to receive.

_A name, please! Just a name…_

He needed to know who it was that had stolen his wife from him.

Caru paused, her mouth unable to form the words. Her eyes darted to Aragon, who nodded.

_Ben, you’re the father._

His world skidded to a stop. He didn’t know how to react- and he didn’t think that he’d comprehended what had just been said.

“What?” He stated, thinking he’d heard her wrong.

“Hayden is your son, Ben.”

He stood so suddenly that Caru took a scared step back, true, pure fear flashing across her face. He reached out to her tentatively, trying to reassure her but not sure how, trying to reconcile his racing thoughts about the child in her arms- his child. The woman who’d been so sure that she wouldn’t be able to conceive; so scared of what Snoke would do to her if he found out that she was carrying _Kylo Ren’s_ child, so scared of what would become of the child should Snoke lay claim to it- this was the same woman who now held _his child_ in her arms.

His world went black.


	24. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about how long it took me to write this, but i promise more is coming soon! I'm going through a period of editing and adding to previous chapters, so i'm going to be posting those maybe in a month or two? I'll let you guys know when they are up. The plot won't change, but new things will be added and i may change the wording a bit. If you like this story, then it may be worth checking out. Thank you guys for the continuous support, comments, and kudos.  
> (if anyone knows of amazing authors to check out, PLEASE tell me in the comments below with a brief description of their style/what they write about. Thanks!)  
> -Kittani

Ben woke up staring at the ceiling of an unfamiliar room. There was the sound of steady, slow breathing beside him and he turned his head to see Caru, lying on her side and facing away from him. His breath caught in his throat and for a split second, he was fifteen again, waking up next to her for the first time in his life. He had just been accepted as Snoke’s full apprentice, and she wasn’t that far behind. He blinked, dragging his mind back to the present.

Aragon’s clear green eyes stared straight through him. His body stilled in momentary fear. The dragon had an almost predatory gleam in his eyes. Ben didn’t move when Aragon stretched his neck and placed his snout against Caru’s belly, pushing her gently toward him. Even when his fingertips brushed against her back, he still didn’t move. Her arms were wrapped around the woven cradle that held Hayden. She let out a quiet moan and curled around the child, beginning to shiver now that her body was exposed and denied her blanket.

Ben glanced at Aragon, as if asking for permission. The dragon huffed and closed his eyes, resting his head on his claws. Ben took that as permission and slipped his arms gently around Caru’s slight waist. She cuddled closer to the heat of his body. He buried his face in the crook of her shoulder, finally happy for the first time since she’d left. She smelled warm, like spices and crisp air. His eyes closed in bliss, and he quickly fell asleep, still drowsy from passing out _twice_ in one day.

In her sleep, Caru curled herself into Ben’s arms, her child cradled between them. She let out a quiet snore and buried her nose in the hollow of his neck, her forehead pressed against his chin. His arms tightened around her waist, drawing her hips closer to his body. Her right leg moved up, hooked onto his thigh, and stayed there while her left leg slipped between his legs. He drifted slightly toward consciousness, just enough to be vaguely aware of the world around him and the two beings in his arms. His eyelashes fluttered and he let out a low hum of happiness before sinking back into a deep sleep.

 

I woke up to the warm cage of someone’s arms- and immediately backpedaled off of the edge of the bed. I hit the floor with a loud thump, waking up all three males in the room. Hayden led out a sharp cry for his mother. Aragon hissed in surprise, and Ben poked his head over the edge of the bed, staring at me with wide eyes.

“What happened?” He asked, shocked. I flushed scarlet and quickly stood up, wincing when my tailbone protested. Ben moved back as I reached for Hayden. I could feel his dark eyes on me as I carefully took my child out of his cradle and wrapped my arms around him. His cries turned softer, and within two minutes, he was asleep again. I glanced up at Ben, who was watching me with a small smile on his face. He caught my eyes and looked away.

I sucked a breath in between my teeth and made a fast decision.

“Come here.” I murmured. Ben kicked off the blankets and stood up, still wearing his sweatpants from the night before. I stared down at my son, bit my lip, and moved to give the baby to Ben. His eyes widened and he sent me a shocked glance before he stared at the child in my arms and let out a breath.

“Are you sure?”

“He’s your son, Ben. I’m sure.” Hesitantly, he held his arms out, trying to mimic my position. I adjusted his arms a few times before I carefully slid our son into his care. Instinctually, he started swaying just a little bit, enough to calm Hayden from the move. I watched as his eyes softened and his lips quirked into a smile.

“He’s so-“Ben fought to find the right word, but when he did, it came out in one breath. “Perfect.”

I smiled, watching him as he watched the child in his arms. He stared at me after a second.

“Come back with me.” He murmured, taking a step closer. I took a step back. “Come to the base- everyone’s there- we can be a family.”

“Ben- I- I can’t.” I whispered, frowning when I saw the sudden shift in his expression. I stared at Hayden’s sleeping face as I choked out an explanation. “I can’t just show up out of nowhere! I don’t remember anything before I woke up here, and I can’t remember you-“

“Please, Caru.” He begged. “I can help.”

I glanced to Aragon, who had been reading my thoughts. He blinked, slowly.

_Are you sure?_

_Yes. It’s our only chance._

I breathed out a sigh. Biting my lip, I looked to Ben and nodded, holding my arms out for Hayden. Once my child was safe against my chest, I reached out a hand and brushed it against Ben’s cheek, my fingertips glancing against his temple, and just like that, he fell backwards onto the bed, unconscious.

I let out a sob and turned away. Aragon brushed his nose over my shoulder and moved toward Ben. I couldn’t watch as the dragon took away Ben’s memories of our encounter- just like I’d asked him to. When Ben woke up, near the edge of the forest, he wouldn’t remember the lake, or catching up to me. He wouldn’t remember that he had a son, or where we were. I was safe. We were safe.

There was a rustle behind me as Aragon picked Ben up. He strode past me, moving toward the lake entrance.

 

Luke could sense Ben’s Force-signature. He wasn’t alone. The Jedi’s eyes opened and he shot up, wincing when his back protested. He grabbed Rey by the wrist and explained to her the situation as they rushed toward the forest. The duo gained a tag-along when Poe saw them moving across the tarmac.

Slipping and sliding down the hill toward the forest, Luke’s eyes were restless, searching the dense foliage for any signs of the two life forces he’d sensed. Suddenly, a branch snapped to his right and the trio turned to see the head of the green dragon sticking out from between two trees. Rey shrank in fear. Poe took a shocked step forward, and Luke remained calm.

Aragon moved toward the trio. Ben was limp on his back, the man’s face pressed against the scales of his shoulder. He was awkward to carry- long legs and arms hit his legs when he walked, and the space between his wings wasn’t large enough, which left Ben lying on the (now tingling) membranes. The green-scaled dragon slipped out of the woods and bent his head to Luke, sensing the wise aura around the older man. His wings unfurled, revealing the slumped figure on his back and there was silence for a second.

Poe was the first to move. The pilot gave an apprehensive nod to Aragon as he moved closer. His hand circled Ben’s wrist, and with Rey’s help and Luke manipulating the Force, the trio managed to remove him from the precarious position he’d occupied before.

“Is he okay?” Rey asked, breaking the tentative silence after they’d managed to get Ben between her and Poe. Aragon breathed a puff of smoke in Rey’s face, insulted.

 _He lives._ Aragon surprised her by brushing his mind against her. _I returned him to you unharmed, despite the fact that he intruded on my territory._ An emerald eye focused on her. _See to it that this does not happen again._

With that, he slipped back into the forest, leaving the four behind.


	25. Loved and Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edit~ sorry about the recap that was in the front of this one, idk what happened but it's fixed now, so enjoy!  
> A/N sorry for the long wait, to those of you who actually like this story. I broke my left index finger... on a hole punch machine. Anyway, more should be up soon (At least by May 15th) please yell at me if i haven't updated by then.  
> Comments and kudos are amazing and always inspire me to keep going. Maybe i'll give you guys a special treat... bonus chapter? Some fluff? It's up to you guys. If you want a tiny one-shot of Caru x Kylo/Ben, i might just see what i can do.  
> Okay! Love you guys!  
> ~Kittani

 

Ben’s eyes opened to see five faces all staring at him expectantly. He let out a startled yelp and shot upright. As one, the five people leaned back, giving him a bit of space. Then, five voices tumbled over each other in unison, worried, relieved, angry, yelling- his head swam and he groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“Stop-“He moaned, drawing out the word. Thankfully, they stopped talking, voices trailing off.

It was Leia who spoke then. “Are you okay?” Short, sweet, to the point. A complete contrast from her mother-hen babbling of the minute before. Ben moved his fingers to stare at her.

“What happened?” He asked, sending the question out to the group for anyone to answer. There was an obvious, awkward glance between Rey and Poe, Luke and Leia- and Finn shut his eyes, frowning. He bit back a growl of frustration. Rey and Poe both glanced up at him, and then both started talking quickly. They blushed and stopped talking, staring at each other for a second before Rey caught Finn’s glance and started again.

“Master Luke felt your signature, and we ran down to the forest, where that massive dragon thing had you on its back. We pulled you off and the dragon warned me that he was being nice by knocking you unconscious and said that he _won’t be so nice next time you get on his territory_ or something like that-“ She inhaled sharply then released the breath in a rush of words. “Are you okay? I tried to run after you but you were too fast, and I couldn’t keep up and-“

“Why was I running?” Ben frowned, trying to piece together fragmented images in his mind. Her eyebrows drew together and she mimicked his frown.

“You don’t remember?” Luke cut in. Ben shook his head.

“All I remember is sparring, and then something cold, and that’s it.”

The five shot worried looks at each other.

“Maybe it was that scaly thing that took your memories, or something.” Finn muttered, more to himself than anyone else. Rey’s eyes lit up and she started babbling about how _was that even possible_ and _‘great idea, Finn!’_ Ben face-palmed and started to rub his temples. There was a snatch of something- cold, wet, suffocating- and just as quickly as it had come, it was gone again.

“Let’s give him some space.” Luke suggested. Rey nodded and grabbed Finn’s- Poe’s jacket and led him out of the room, followed by Poe who was shaking his head at her rambling. Leia patted his hand and left quietly. He was alone in the room with Luke.

“You really don’t remember?” Luke asked as Ben sat up. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed before answering.

“I don’t remember anything. Is there something you need to tell me?” He glanced up in time to see the serious look on the Jedi’s weathered features. “This can’t be good,” He growled, stretching out his back and arms.

“Before I tell you, I need you to swear that you won’t go running out anywhere, and that you’ll be rational.” The older man said as blue eyes locked onto Ben’s dark, troubled gaze. When Ben nodded, Luke spoke. “It’s Caru.” He took in Ben’s shocked expression. “Rey swears that she was the one you were chasing. She thinks she saw Caru’s face when the girl ran from her. She’s alive, Ben. I don’t know how, but somehow she’s out there, alive and well.”

Ben’s jaw dropped. His fingers moved instinctually to the ring around his neck. Absent-mindedly, he rubbed it between his forefinger and thumb, gaze locked on the wall, mind far, far away. “She’s okay,” He whispered. A long-forgotten flare of hope ignited in his chest. Somewhere out there, the love of his life was alive. He had a chance at happiness- true happiness again. This was his opportunity to make up for everything he hadn’t been able to give her before. It wasn’t the universe, but to him, she was the universe. She was the sun he revolved around. She was the gravity that held him on solid ground.

She was alive.


	26. New beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guys, i'm so sorry that it's been so long since i've updated. Life is crazy. I'm a college student now. I've got ten million other things going on, my hearts obsession has divided to add the X Men (but only Peter/pietro maximoff and Warren Worthington iii as well as Bucky Barnes from the Marvel universe) and my cat fathered kittens.   
> Its a shitstorm.   
> send help.

Luke had called out to Rey and Ben for them to meet him in their secluded meditating spot- what had come to be called blood lake. Although the blood was long gone, what Ben saw had stuck in his memory, and had struck a chord in both the scavenger and the Jedi master.

 

When Ben and Rey arrived, Luke was standing on the rock in the middle of the lake, a datapad in his hands and R2-D2 beside him, projecting a holo-image of the old Jedi Temple. Rey kept moving as if it was nothing important, but Ben was stuck in the spot, his brain bringing up images of the old padawans and wanton distraction that he brought down upon Luke and their families. It wasn't fair, he thought, that after all of that he was still living and they weren't. Luke turned at the sound of Rey's voice, and his eyes were glued to Ben, who still stood in shock. With a welcoming gesture, The old Jedi master beckoned them over.

"Why are we here?" Rey asked. Luke smiled.

"I want to rebuild the Jedi Order." He stated, looking at both of them in turn. "And I want you two to help me."

 

Three years later, the temple was complete. A year after that, Luke had his first students. The class was twenty children between the ages of four and twelve- all force-sensitives from different parts of the galaxy. Three weeks had passed when a new student showed up at the doorstep. Rey came into the training area, where Luke was meditating with the padawans while I sat off to the side. She pulled me into a side room, still with the boy on her hip, and started babbling while the boy stared at me and I stared at him.

He had bi-colored eyes and dark hair. I was struck with a sense of longing for Caru, whom I still hadn’t given up on.

“Ben, this is Hayden. He’s our newest student. He’s got Heterochromia, just like Caru did!”

“Does.” I corrected. Unaffected, she kept rambling.

“I already talked to Master Luke, and he said it’s time you take on a padawan. He wants you to train Hayden in the Force.”

“I’m not allowed to use the Force anymore, remember?”

“He said you can to train Hayden.”

“What-“

“Ben.” Luke’s voice cut in. “I see you’ve met your new padawan.”

With a smile, Rey put the boy down. He stared up at me from the floor, where he stood with the most calm expression I’d seen on a child’s face. I was still trying to move past his eyes, which reminded me too much of what I’d lost.

 

A year passed since Hayden had started disappearing each day, only to come back at night, exhausted. Soon, he only left every other day. When we spent time together, I taught him the ways of the Grey Jedi. He was incredibly strong with the Force, and easily picked up every new topic. He and I had found a spot on a tree branch that overlooked D’qar’s scenery. We meditated there as often as possible. I sensed the twenty new Force-sensitives when they landed, but since they stayed in the newly erected temple, I didn’t worry about them. Besides, none were as strong as Hayden and I.

Life was lonely, I’d admit, just being on my own with Aragon and Hayden. While my son was very intelligent and well-spoken, I longed for something more. Aragon could sense it. He often gave me pitying looks that I hated.

It all changed one day. Everything I’d worked so hard for had collapsed the second she’d shown up in my house.

 

“Who are you?” I demanded, my lightsaber already in hand, off, but ready to go. The woman turned to face me. Her hair was done in three buns and she had an athletic build. There was a lightsaber clipped to her belt.

“Caru.” She breathed. I frowned and took a wary step back. Did I know her?

“Get out of here.” I growled, knowing that I was alone. Hayden was off somewhere, and Aragon was hunting. Neither would be back until nightfall.

The woman’s eyes flickered to my lightsaber, and before I could blink, she’d unclipped hers. It hummed to life. On instinct, I tightened my grip on my saber and mirrored her stance, my own lightsaber purring as it ignited. She pointed her saber at me.

“Caru, I don’t want to fight you. Come back with me to the base. Ben’s been looking for you.”

_DO NOT LET THEM TAKE YOU TO THE REBEL BASE_

I assumed a defensive position. “Who are you and why are you here?” I demanded, the Force surrounding me and probing out towards her. She deflected me and smiled.

“My name is Rey. Don’t you remember?”

“Remember what?” I demanded. She hesitated.

“Ben? Please, just come back to the base with us.”

“Us?”

She faltered. I whipped around, just in time to see a flash of orange, and then something slammed into my head and I fell like a sack of potatoes.

 

I woke up to see bright sky overhead. The Force was around me, and I was moving. Except it wasn’t of my own will.

I fought back. The woman was there, and so was the guy in orange, who I recognized in a flash of memory. The curly haired pilot. Around us were several x-wings, all with mechanics. We were on a tarmac, the sun beating down on the black surface.

My saber was in the pilot’s hand. I reached out with the force and drew it to me. It ignited in air and I crouched, my saber facing the woman who’d invaded my home. Around us, the hustle and bustle of the tarmac fell silent.

I reached up, touching my fingertips to my temple. They came away bloody. With a growl, I launched myself at the woman. She managed to bring her saber up in time to deflect me, and we entered into the dance of fighting. She parried, dodged, blocked. I twisted, flipped, attacked, relentless. I had to get out of there, and fast.

We were sweating all too soon. My head was swimming, still fuzzy from the heavy blow that had knocked me out. I didn’t see the tall, dark haired man who came up behind me. The woman rolled out of the way and my saber struck the tarmac before I could stop the blow. A pair of strong arms wrapped around my waist, and my saber went flying. It turned off in air, and I knew the person behind me was a force-sensitive.

I drew my legs forward and kicked back, but the person used my momentum and easily pinned me down, one hand gripping my wrists and keeping my hands against the hot tarmac, their legs on either side of my hips. I hissed in pain as the black tar burned my exposed legs and arms, but as I looked up into the face of my attacker, that was soon forgotten.

The name tumbled from my lips before I could stop it.

“Ben?”

He drew me against his chest, holding so tight that I couldn’t breathe. My face was buried in his shirt, my arms pinned to my sides. He had his face buried in the crook of my neck, and I soon realized that he was crying.

Memories flashed through my mind of him and I. His arms loosened and I slipped my own arms up, around his neck. My fingers carded through the soft hair at the base of his neck and I inhaled his scent. On instinct, my legs wrapped around his waist, and then I knew.

I was home.

His arms slipped to my lower back and he squeezed me against him, obliterating the space between us. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, copying his actions. His shoulders shook as he cried into my shoulder. We stayed there for a while, him crying and me fighting sobs as memories flew past my eyes.

How could I have forgotten him? How could I have forgotten this?

“Ben.” I eventually whispered. Then, louder. “Ben.”

“Caru, don’t you dare leave me again.” He growled, pulling back. His dark eyes met mine, and I took in the sight of the bags under his eyes and the thin scar that cut his face.

“I won’t, love. I won’t.” I promised him, one hand sliding to cup his cheek. He leaned into my touch, his eyes closing. I leaned forward and brushed my lips against his. He let me pull away, but then he followed, his mouth crashing against mine in a way that was almost painful in its desperation.

I felt every person turn away.

I didn’t care. For the moment, the world was gone and it was just him and I, just like it should’ve been five years ago.

We broke apart when everyone started screaming. He stood, tucking me behind him.

Aragon was landing on the tarmac, a black-clad child on his back.

“Mom!” Hayden yelled, slipping off of Aragon. I rushed forward to grab him.

“Hayden, what are you doing here?” I asked, scooping him into my arms.

An incredulous voice from behind me questioned, “Hayden?”

“Master Ben!”

“Master?” I squeaked, turning to face Ben. His dark eyes flicked between my son and I before a look of sheer terror crossed his face.

“You have a son?”

“Well so do you!” I quipped, biting my lower lip when I realized what I’d said. “Uh, I can explain.”

He looked hurt. Then, in a whisper I barely heard, “Who’s the father?”

I settled Hayden on my hip, huffing at how heavy he was getting. Where was the little baby I had not that long ago?

“You, smart one.”

Ben blinked. Again, the tarmac fell silent. Rey glanced between us. So did the pilot. The mechanics gave Aragon the side-eye as they slowly got back to work.

“But- Ben, you’re married!” The pilot exclaimed. Rey’s eyes widened to saucers. A quiet exclamation of disbelief dropped like a stone from her lips.

Ben didn’t hear them. He took two giant steps, and then I found myself cocooned in his embrace, safe from everything else.

We were together at last; Ben, Hayden and me.

Family.


	27. Update~

Hey, previous me? That shitstorm got worse. Whoops.   
About this book(?), i'm working on a (final?) chapter. I'm cringing at how long it's been since I updated last. My only excuse is that i've been trying to adult and i need to child some more before my time comes to evolve into full adult™  
I promise the chapter by the end of this week. Pinky promise.   
Like, you guys can come beat me up if I don't post by Sunday.   
Actually, please do. 

 

If you care, these are the actual reasons why I haven't updated.   
-Pookie died. 8-1-16. I miss you, beautiful girl. -   
-finals at college.-  
-Drivers ed-  
-dude who hit me with his car when i was walking to the bus stop is saying its my fault. Court date pending.-  
-senior year got rough, quick-  
-i've got school projects out the wazoo-  
-getting in my hours for driving-  
-working with Moon on manners and training, trying to make his trot less bouncy and getting his canter to round out and have a longer stride.-  
-only one of Pvris' kittens survived. Junior. Baby boy <3-  
-shadowing my vet-  
-associates in biology-  
And more........  
Anyway, I'll have that wittle chappie out soon enough. Thank you guys for the beautiful comments, they are literally what inspired me to write again.   
Ciao, bella!


	28. Home

Illy’ana had also been with Aragon when he’d landed. She slipped off after Hayden had, following us like a lost puppy down the halls after I’d introduced her to Ben, explaining through our Force-bond that had snapped back into place that she wasn’t my daughter- she was Aragon’s adopted child. Ben had understood, remembering the baby he’d come across in the woods five years ago- the one Aragon had taken under his wing. The four of us followed Finn, Poe and Rey to Leia’s quarters where, they’d explained, the General wanted to meet her grandchild. Aragon was lurking in my mind, alert for any signs of danger to our family while he lay curled up on the tarmac, sunbathing.  
Hayden was holding Ben’s hand, walking between the two of us when Aragon suddenly barreled past us in his humanoid form. Finn, Rey and Poe all screamed, rushing after him. Ben and I exchanged glances before I picked up Hayden and followed the group, Ben beside me.  
Stay out of the room, Aragon warned me just as my fingers touched the access pad beside it. I flinched, feeling him temporarily slam restraints on our bond- I could no longer see or hear what he did, leaving me swaying on my feet in an attempt to adjust to the sudden shift in senses. From the other side of the door came Aragon’s booming voice, muffled just enough. Leia’s voice registered next, familiar from the incident on the tarmac, followed by Poe and Finn.  
“I will rip his cock off with my bare hands and shove it down his throat- so help me Force-“ Beside me, Ben gulped, his hands steadying my shoulders as my vision stopped crossing itself.  
“Who…?” I murmured, frowning and pressing closer to the door, letting Hayden stand on his own. Stomping footsteps came closer and the door shuddered. I hissed and pulled back, holding my burning nose.  
“Caru, I said stay out of it!” When I turned to look at Ben, he was just as shocked as I was. More angry, indecipherable yelling came from behind the door. Something shattered, and then the door flew open, exposing Aragon whose chest was heaving with every breath, smoke drifting from his mouth with every exhale. His blazing eyes locked on me and one single word was uttered, accompanied by a finger firmly pointed at me. “Stay.”  
And then he was stomping off down the hall, leaving the seven of us staring after him.  
Rey ran after him, trailed by Finn and Poe. Leia took a moment to collect herself before smiling at Ben, Hayden and I. “So this is my grandson,” she said, looking at Hayden who stared up at her quietly. I gave him a nudge and he stepped forward.  
“Mom, this is Hayden. He was my padawan before I knew that he was our son,” Ben explained, his arm sliding around my waist. His eyes were focused on the interaction between woman and child, watching as Leia crouched awkwardly, flinching with the stiffness of her joints. She had bandages under her clothes from the altercation a week before from the ginger general who was locked in a cell with Aragon, but never the less she embraced her grandson. 

 

“Hayden! Illy’ana! Dinner!”  
I laughed, watching Ben run back to me just as two set of feet came barreling down the stairs. Ben picked me up and carried me out of the way, both of us laughing.  
“What’s for dinner?” Illy’ana asked, already sitting down at the table. She snatched a roll from the basket before Hayden had a chance, but just as she went to take a bite, the roll came flying out of her hand and into Hayden’s. “Hey!” She yelled, trying to get the food back, but Hayden shied out of her reach, sending a smug grin over his shoulder.  
“Food?” The teenager questioned, slipping his arms around my waist, looking at me with pleading eyes.  
“Hayden, not fair.” Illy’ana complained, crossing her arms over her chest.  
I rolled my eyes, shoving my son off. “No stealing food with the Force-“  
“But dad does it all the time!” He interrupts. I give a pointed glare to Ben, who leans casually against the counter, chewing on the stolen roll.  
“Don’t look at me-“he protests.  
“Well, your dad is not supposed to. He’s being a bad role model. Where are the twins?”  
From the table, Illy’ana answers. She has half of a roll in her mouth, the other half poised at her lips. “Aragon took them to see Uncle Luke and Aunt Leia two hours ago.”  
“More for me!” Hayden cheers, kissing me on the cheek. I roll my eyes, taking Ben’s hand.  
“Why doesn’t anyone tell me these things?” I complain, placing the pot of food in reaching distance of everyone.  
“We do, you were just too focused on dad to listen.” Hayden quips. Ben kicks his shin under the table, frowning at him.  
A few seconds later, everyone’s plates are piled high with a home cooked meal. Outside, one of the planet’s two suns touches the horizon. There’s friendly banter at our dinner table, three empty seats where the rest of my children usually are, but that’s okay, because Ben is by my side, Hayden and Illy’ana are here, and we are safe. Oliver, Serena, and Shae are with their grandparents, Aragon is with them, and our family is content.  
I look over at Ben as he laughs at one of Hayden’s many jokes, my heart filling with joy. After everything we’ve been through, after all of the things that I can’t remember and all of the trials that came after, we are here. We have five beautiful, healthy children, a peaceful home on a remote planet, and the galaxy is at peace.  
We have each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA! The Final Chapter!!!!!!!!  
> I told yall i would do it!  
> ...forever ago...  
> but in my defense no one came to beat me up over it so...  
> I'm just psyched that I finally finished a book!  
> 85 pages in a word doc!  
> Caru and Ben's documented journey may be at an end, but I have ideas remaining for this family. Maybe I will write them, and if I do, i will share them. Who knows? I do need some motivation, though, so please comment. It literally means everything to see a comment on here. I live for it.  
> I'm sitting here, typing this, my pathetically sick ass busting this out for you because not too long ago someone liked this story and i got an email saying that and i couldn't stop grinning. Thats how bad i crave attention for this story. Pathetic, I know.  
> I have mono right now, so I've got nothing to do but mope and sleep, so if yall give me the validation to write some more, I will. Nothing else to do lmao.  
> when I started writing this story, it was based on a dream. I was dealing with some terrible shit, I was actively suicidal and self-destructive. I hated myself and I hated everyone else more for not being able to see that I was hurting. So I wrote out this dream I had, and I kept having that dream every night until I wrote more- and more. And it kept me going.  
> So here I am now, a few years later (has it really been that long?). I'm stronger for what I've been through, and now I know how to cope with the demons that I carry. I'm not perfect, but no one is. I still try, though, and that's all anyone can do.  
> Caru and Ben have helped me see that there is always a darkness to your light, but there is also always a light in the darkness- and nothing can change that. even when you're beaten down and given a shit hand and it seems that everything is lost, it's not. You're still alive, you're still breathing, and as long as you are, you're still fighting.  
> I'm still fighting.  
> A new day will rise and wash away the old. One day you will look back and know that everything that happened has made you who you are. Maybe it wasn't pleasant, but it will help you. Geodes cannot be shown as beautiful without first being broken. we aren't rocks, but we all have something beautiful inside. To anyone who reads this, it get better.  
> thank you for reading this. I can't tell you how much it means to me that my voice has been heard. I give my all to these characters and I feel that they deserve to be known.  
> So thank you, reader, for knowing them.  
> ~Kitten


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